Supporting someone in grief

Ardo09

Hi. Question for anyone who maybe has ideas. My friend recently lost someone. This person's life was taken from them. It was not an accident or natural. How can I help him? He tells me that he is fine. I don't think so. He's not himself. Instead of grieving and going through the emotional side of grief he has built himself an emotional fortress. I don't know how to help him. Any ideas are greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Yaowen

That is a very tough question to answer for a couple of reasons.

There is some lack of consensus among psychotherapists on what is helpful in assisting the grieving. This lack of consensus is based on disagreements among the various schools of psychology on questions such as: Is there one or many healthy ways to grieve? How "ought" a person grieve in order for that person to have the best life outcome?

Do people who grieve in non-traditional ways, ways considered unhealthy have worse outcomes than those who grieve according to the models proposed by the various schools of psychology, schools such as cognitive behavior therapy, existential therapy, depth therapy, and so on?

If there is some lack of consensus among professionals who devote their entire lives and careers to this work, I think that should give us as non-professionals a certain humility when it comes to helping our grieving friends and relatives.

Intellectual humility is almost certainly a virtue here. And so is prudence I think. The first principle of medicine is something that not everyone knows about. The first principle of medicine is: first, do no harm.

Not doing harm in helping a grieving person is using humility and prudence carefully so as not to cross that line between being helpful and being intrusive.

There are things we can do as friends that professionals cannot do. And there are things professionals can do that we are not really qualified to do.

And it takes a lot of insight and wisdom to know how in the unique situations that are always cropping up in friendships, what is truly helpful and what perhaps does harm even if that harm is innocently done.

I think one area where there is consensus among psychologists on how friends and relations can be helpful to a person grieving is just in being available to the person.

Being "available" is kind of midpoint between doing nothing and being intrusive. Being "available" may sound like nothing but is actually something quite important.

You are clearly a good friend and your concern springs from and is engendered in a very heartfelt way.

I wish you only the best in being truly helpful to your friend. I also hope that others here on the Forum, the many others with more knowledge, experience, insight and heart will see your post today and respond with better words than my poor words!

Best to luck to you and please lean on us for moral support as your navigate this situation day to day. So sorry I could not be helpful to you in this.

CANDC

@Ardo09 welcome to MSF. I am sorry your friend has experienced a loss that was totally unexpected. Those kind of losses can be difficult to face and can often elicit denial or postponing.

Everyone grieves differently. Some people are sobbing on the casket and some people postpone grief into the future until they can manage grief or when the crises slow down.

I have tried helping people in the way that I think they need help. What I finally figured out is they need me to stop trying to fix them and work on why I feel so compelled to help others. I am not totally clear on why that is but when someone is not open, I do not try to press them. I listen and see if there are little openings not to solve the problem but maybe to start to warm up that iceberg that resists grieving now but may some day be ready.

It is like the old saying, "you can lead the horse to water but you cannot make it drink." When the horse is thirsty it will drink if there is water around.

So if you stop trying to get them to grieve, how can you relate to them? If you can answer that question, you may be able to reinvent your role in that relationship to a concerned friend that is happy to be their friend. Sorry if this is not what you wanted to hear, but I have tried fixing a number of people and it has been a total failure so I am not in the Fixit camp anymore

Hope you get the support you are looking for. @CANDC

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"Things Take Time"

Ardo09

All excellent suggestions. Thank you. I appreciate you. I would do the little emoji messages to do hugs and thank you, but I don't know how.

I do not understand grief, not completely. What I do know is it comes in stages.

The best advice I heard was "Grieve for as long as you need to." I told him that. I don't want him to grieve in any specific way. I don't want him to feel like he's alone. I listened. We looked at old photos. Remembered with him as if I were there too and cried with him. Then it all stopped. I don't understand why the tears stopped. It was as if someone flipped a switch and turn the tear drops off. I get the feeling that this process will start over as new details come through.