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Default Jul 03, 2024 at 02:55 PM
My mother's health is failing. She's now in a care home and I know that at 89, she may not be around for much longer.

Something I've started to think about recently is what I want to do when she passes. I know it's solely my decision and perhaps I'm wrongly anticipating pressure from relatives to "do the right thing". I don't know whether I could visit my mother at rest before her funeral, to say goodbye.

I've not had a happy life, although recognising how difficult it was for her to bring up 2 children on her own for 6 years. I was 5 and my brother 18 months old when our father died.

Am I wrong in just wanting to go and sit either in a church or open space to remember her instead....
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Default Jul 03, 2024 at 03:05 PM
In the US, the immediate family gets time alone with the loved one if you so desire, so you are not always under the eyes of relatives. If that is what you are asking.

Otherwise, i think your role is to serve as hostess.
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Default Jul 03, 2024 at 05:42 PM
Just my 2 cents but a private visit before the funeral might be wise.
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Default Jul 06, 2024 at 11:23 AM
These days it’s my experience that just about anything goes when it comes to funerals. I’ve noticed a big shift the last 10 years or so. More and more people are either doing direct cremation or family only. What ‘others’ think or expect is being given less weight.

My uncle had a traditional funeral but afterwards my cousin disappeared, he wasn’t at the wake afterwards. He’d gone to a special place he and my uncle had liked to visit.

No, you’re not wrong, and if anyone thinks you are who are they to judge?
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Default Jul 09, 2024 at 10:43 AM
@poshgirl it is difficult when other relatives want a big funeral. It is not an easy choice. In my parent's case they both specified what they wanted: graveside service and 5-6 people attending. It was fairly easy but in US barebones was many thousands of dollars. If they to not have the money to cover that then I would not go in debt to fund a big funeral. If money is not an issue then what will be emotionally easy for you and others that are close to your mother.

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