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Veteran Member
Member Since Sep 2018
Location: Birmingham UK
Posts: 605
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Jul 03, 2024 at 02:55 PM
#1
My mother's health is failing. She's now in a care home and I know that at 89, she may not be around for much longer.
Something I've started to think about recently is what I want to do when she passes. I know it's solely my decision and perhaps I'm wrongly anticipating pressure from relatives to "do the right thing". I don't know whether I could visit my mother at rest before her funeral, to say goodbye. I've not had a happy life, although recognising how difficult it was for her to bring up 2 children on her own for 6 years. I was 5 and my brother 18 months old when our father died. Am I wrong in just wanting to go and sit either in a church or open space to remember her instead.... |
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 Discombobulated, FloatThruThis, nonightowl
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Elder Harridan x-hankster
Member Since Jun 2011
Location: Milan/Michigan
Posts: 40,959
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Jul 03, 2024 at 03:05 PM
#2
In the US, the immediate family gets time alone with the loved one if you so desire, so you are not always under the eyes of relatives. If that is what you are asking.
Otherwise, i think your role is to serve as hostess. |
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Member
Member Since Jul 2021
Location: virginia
Posts: 323
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Jul 03, 2024 at 05:42 PM
#3
Just my 2 cents but a private visit before the funeral might be wise.
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Elder
Member Since Oct 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 5,239
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Jul 06, 2024 at 11:23 AM
#4
These days it’s my experience that just about anything goes when it comes to funerals. I’ve noticed a big shift the last 10 years or so. More and more people are either doing direct cremation or family only. What ‘others’ think or expect is being given less weight.
My uncle had a traditional funeral but afterwards my cousin disappeared, he wasn’t at the wake afterwards. He’d gone to a special place he and my uncle had liked to visit. No, you’re not wrong, and if anyone thinks you are who are they to judge? |
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 nonightowl
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Super Moderator
Community Support Team Community Liaison
Chat Leader 
Member Since May 2014
Location: Northeast USA New England
Posts: 17,831
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Jul 09, 2024 at 10:43 AM
#5
@poshgirl it is difficult when other relatives want a big funeral. It is not an easy choice. In my parent's case they both specified what they wanted: graveside service and 5-6 people attending. It was fairly easy but in US barebones was many thousands of dollars. If they to not have the money to cover that then I would not go in debt to fund a big funeral. If money is not an issue then what will be emotionally easy for you and others that are close to your mother.
cc @Discombobulated CANDC [If you want me to see your reply to this post please include @CANDC in your message - not in requoting my message] __________________ Super Moderator Community Support Team "Things Take Time" |
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Magnate
Member Since Apr 2016
Location: Somewhere in South America
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Jul 29, 2024 at 06:34 PM
#6
I'm hashing these things in my head. My mother is younger than yours, but has dementia. We never had a good relationship. I think she has always had some sort of personality disorder. I live abroad and have processed the scenario of her death many times. I think the most I can handle is participating online.
Do what feels best for you. Everyone handles these situations differently. |
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nonightowl
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Desert Kitty hates titles
Member Since Jul 2008
Location: TARDIS
Posts: 10,510
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Aug 07, 2024 at 10:37 AM
#7
Quote:
 I think my mother had some kind of disorder too but in those days they didn’t have as much knowledge about it. And it was more stigmatized; I doubt she got diagnosed with anything.Doing what one feels is best for them is the way to go. If someone has a problem with it, it can be pointed out that we are individuals. Societal expectations are just too much at times. And the reason we have a mental health crisis in many places, in my opinion. ——— Sent from my iPhone __________________  Call me "owl" for short!  Hmmm....looks like some good tips in here. "Okay, enough photos. I'm a very BUSY Business Kitty, so make an appointment next time." |
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