I Don't Think it Ever Gets Easier

I lost my Dad in 2021 and my Mom in 2023. They were both 80 when they died and both were in a bad way. Honestly, as hard as it was I prayed for both their deaths as they were suffering so. It wasn't that I wanted them to go but I no longer wanted them to suffer. I did get to have them to old age, but I don't think it makes it any easier. They were my Mom and Dad. They were always there when I needed them. Sometimes they helped make life make sense when I was lost. I will never forget my Daddy telling me, "A Raines never gives up." I wish I could hear those words again. When times are rough, it is hard because I am on my own. No-one loves me like my Mom and Dad. I can't really say there has been something extraordinary I would miss them not being there for since they have been gone. Although I am sure they would loved to hold my young grand-niece. I do miss their presence and the time we shared. Sometimes I am ok and other times it hurts so bad that they are gone. I heard it gets better over time. Do you think less of them? Cause that is the only way I see the grief going away. I will always miss them in every moment of every hour. But sometimes, it just gets really hard. It is like a gaping hole in my chest. The knowing that I will never wrap my arms around them again in this life. I will never hear their voices or see there smiling faces. My best support group is gone. I am afraid of forgetting their faces in my mind or the unconditional love they showed. I don't feel like I will ever stop needing my Mom and Dad. What do you do during those times? The times you miss them so bad you can't breathe and the tears roll down your face. The times no-one else could be in that space, as if a void sets before you. Maybe it gets fewer and farther between, but in those moments, I can't see it getting any easier.

I'm sorry for your losses.


Have you done a Griefshare class? Churches and hospices offer them. They do have a Christian component but it can be ignored and I imagine hospices don't emphasize that part.

It really helped me when I lost my dad.

@BeyondtheRainbow I have never heard of a grief share class. Does it really lessen the pain when you are really missing them? Most of the time I am ok, but there are those times when it feels like a hole in my space.

Sorry it took a few days. I've been overwhelmed.

Yes, it helped. Nothing will make the grief go away (and nothing should; it's normal to feel grief) but it can help make sense of the feelings. I did it immediately after my loss but it's actually better to do it a little later and there were people in there who were further out.

I agree with waiting and not doing it right away. I once did this and was overwhelmed with the "intake" process of filling out forms, answering their invasive questions, my privacy and what they collect, etc.

Personally I use a physical wound as an analogy. It heals, but a scar remains. Time definitely helps, and I mean YEARS not months. That void is always there, it doesn't go away. This time of the year is especially BRUTAL with the media's talk of "family and friends." Stick in a knife in me, that would hurt less.

I've had so many losses (both expected and unexpected), I've lost count. There's no time frame, there's no "supposed to". Even those stages of grief aren't linear, and not everyone experiences all of those stages. And since each person is unique, so is the process for each loss.

It's okay if you don't feel much or don't know what to call it. Or if things like your concentration is off. Writing things down might help. Books on it might help.

Just wanted to say I've been there, and I wish our culture (America) allowed for the open expression of grief. There's a denial of death (and aging) here, and I think it's so soul crushing and unhealthy. People are full of platitudes, and heaven help the person who says "Thing happen for a reason."

I lost both my parents in 2019, @Frog4Life, they passed within six weeks of each other. Mum had just had enough of an 18 month struggle with cancer, and Dad’s aged body just gave up.

Your post really resonated with me. I think it’s very misleading to think that “time heals all things”. I don’t think it does, as such. That said, I no longer see it as a bad thing. It’s not unusual for a memory to crop up now, of my Mum, that can really make me cry. However, it reminds me how much I loved my Mum, and how much I miss her, and in a strange way I embrace that now. I don’t care if I cry, or if someone sees me cry - emotions are important, and shouldn’t be suppressed. Usually within a few minutes I focus on the fact that we had a lot of happy times. My Mum’s positivity was incredible - it had to be, she had to put up with my Dad, which could be very challenging at times.

I often talk of my Mum with family and friends, sometimes it’s tearful, but more often than not it’s laughter at some of the crazy things she used to do and say. In that way, I keep her alive in my mind, and I often ask myself, what would my Mum do in this situation, what would she advise, and more often than not I can hear her voice in my mind.

I would say don’t be afraid of the grief. I appreciate this might sound a bit crazy. Think of it like a wave washing over you as you walk into the sea from the beach, let it wash over you and pass, and when it does think of the love you experienced, and relive a truly joyful moment. Focus on those, and remember that by doing this you are in a way keeping your parents alive.

Your parents will have played a massive role in your life. It’s important to remember them. I once heard a lady talking about grief, and she commented that people die twice. They die once in the physical sense, and then for a second time when their name is spoken by someone for the very last time. When I sat and thought about this, it really stopped me in my tracks. For many of us we will fade away as an obscurity in history, and so it’s important that we keep people’s memories alive as long as we can.

I hope my comments don’t upset you, or make your grief worse, it’s just that this is how I have dealt with it successfully.

I’m not saying time heals all wounds for me, just makes it less painful. I found out things about my parents many years after their deaths. Some ugly truths. I don’t think that will EVER heal, regardless of time.

But with other deaths, I think of them often. Memories come up. I visit the grave of one of these people as often as I can. And “talk” as if they can hear me.

I agree with Nova about not avoiding it. If so it will suddenly hit you like a ton of bricks one day.

———
Sent from my iPhone

I am sorry for your loss @Frog4Life - losing parents is a shock to the system. It must be a challenge to try and accept that they are gone.

When my parents died I felt like an orphan. I did not know how much I emotionally depended on them being there. I have had to find ways to lessen the pain. I feel gratitude for all the kindness they gave me. I stopped holding onto the expectations that someday they would be just like me. They were unique and I am unique and so now that they are gone I can accept that more. I also wonder if they felt the way I feel sometimes as they got closer to the end of life.

CANDC

[If you want me to see your reply to this post please include @CANDC in your message - not in requoting my message and not the first word of your message]