Visiting Jon's family, some questions...

At Jon's funeral, I promised his mother that I wouldn't be a stranger, that I would keep in touch. He died September 17, and I haven't been able to bring myself to go back and see his family yet. I want to, and I know that I should. I just hurts so much to think about going to his house, and not seeing him there.

I also have this wish that I could have something of Jon's. Just something of his to hold while I cry about him, and to him. While I'm missing him. An old t-shirt or one of his jackets. I want to ask his mom for something, just one thing. But I don't know if that would be appropriate. Do you think it would be wrong of me to ask that? I don't want to take away from her, but I really could use something to hang on to.

How do I get up the courage to just go there? I'm trying to write about my memories of and feelings for Jon, and I thought I would share some of that with his parents. But it's hard to even write it. It breaks my heart in two.

Please, some advice and opinions if anyone has them...

Angela

Christmas would be a great excuse to "drop in" if you feel ready. Take them some cookies or or something of that nature. Even if you don't stay long, make the effort. It sounds like his mom would appreciate it. It will probably be sad, so anticipate that. But if you go a few times it will get easier. I would think his parents would like to see you. I would recommend calling first...but you may not need to, that is your judgement call.

As far as asking for something of his...I know the feeling. When my grandmother died my grandfather let all the grandkids pick one thing to remember her by. I actually got 2 because they were a set. When my grandfather died I was heartbroken...still am. I told my mom I wanted one thing of his...I didn't care what. Nothing was ever really said after that...but as it turns out. I got their house. Technically it's my mom's, but she put it in a trust for me for when she passes. So now, even if my cousins and brother were to take every piece of furniture and other stuff out of here (and one would if she could), I would still have memories. Sometimes I walk in the door and it smells like grandpa's house. But I digress...

I don't know what kind of a time crunch you are under with school. But I wouldn't ask the first time you go see his parents. Mainly because it could be constued that you are just there for that. You know? Plus, they may bring it up and save you the trouble. You just never know. I would wait until the 2nd or 3rd time you see them (unless you just plan to see them once) to ask for anything.

Another idea...which would probably be really hard would be to offer to help his parents go through his room. I don't know if they're at that place yet or if you are, but you could easily say, "oh I remember this shirt...or this jacket and ask to keep it."

I hope this helped. It's a sticky situation no matter how you look at it. Do what you think is right and take comfort in that.

Okay Angela, I have not been able to even comprehend your situation due to BEING THERE! However, as a parent who has lost a child I cherished the memories that others shared. Write some down, copy pics if you have them, and bring it with cookies etc. It it feels right then ask for a keepsake. You are sensitive so you will know. I would have asked you what you wanted and been happy to give it to you with love. Please do see them and share with them. Do not be afraid to show your feelings. Read over some things from Compassionate friends, it helps to understand where the parents are at. Good luck.

Thanks for the input, you two. I'm going to try to pop in on his parents this weekend. I'm so afraid...

It will be okay Angela

You will do great. Take it one step at a time. Moment to moment if need be. It sounds like were friends for a while. His parents will probably appreciate anything you say/do. And ww is right, take some mementos you have. They might not have seen them.

At my grandfather's funeral people kept telling me how lucky I was to have such a wonderful man as my grandpa. That short phrase made me feel so much better. Other people knew how special he was.

(((((SC))))) I'll be thinking of you.

Thanks.

I already have copies of my pictures to this mutual friend of ours, who gave them to Jon's parents as if they were from her. So I don't have any pictures to give them that they don't already have But I will try so hard to write about him for them.

I know they are dying to see me. It's just so hard. It's admitting he's gone. It's seeing his house- minus him. Ouch.

I just called Jon's dad and made plans to go up and see the family on Sunday...

Guess I better get busy on writing that letter to them, about my memories of him.

Angela, I wish I could show you the book we made when our Nicole died. It had different people's memories and pictures. I love having it. By the way, my Jane died Sept 16th, but I didn't know for about 6 weeks. Grief is a hard road and yet life is destined to be full of it. I don't understand that. If I were Jon's mom, If I lost my baby boy, I would want you to tell me every detail. I would want you to look me in the eyes while speaking and I would want you to show me your sadness and validate mine. Oh man, this is hard, I hope I never loose another child. PEACE my dear friend.

I don't know if I could do that. I'm not very emotionally brave. But I was a mess at his services. She could see my pain. She ended up comforting me, actually. She didn't show her own pain very much. I figured, well we all cope differently. For some it's easier to comfort others than it is to cry yourself.

We'll see how it goes this time around. I hope it's a nice visit for all involved.

You will do fine Angela, the honesty is all you need.