[katebabe622]

so my uncle died 5 years ago. he was my godfather, my uncle and my best friend. my doctor says that i'm not grieving correctly, even though it's been 5 years. i don't like to talk about him and i hate when other people talk about him. sometimes i feel like i just want to block him out all together, kind of like: he's gone and there's nothing you can do about it, so just drop it. i blocked most of his funeral and the days before he died out, and doc says that's no good either. well i was 10 what was i supposed to do? so basically what i want to know is .. is it normal to want to just block the dead out and basically pretend they never existed? i love my uncle a lot, but i feel like i still can't deal with it all, even after 5 years.

[Locust]

Kate-

Normal? Well, it's probably not the most common response you're having. Healthy? Prob. not healthy, either. But you aren't alone. I have done similar things, I think.

Here's the thing. Your grief doesn't just go away. It's there whether you deal with it or not. If you supress it, it can surface in all kinds of odd, annoying, confusing, and distressing ways and take forever to properly heal. There is an old saying someone said to me once- dunno where it originated from- "You have to feel it, to heal it." I think it's true. But feeling it isn't always pleasant or easy.

I don't think you really want to forget your uncle. You loved him and you love him still. You said that much yourself- that you loved and love him. Surely you want to keep that feeling of love for him. And surely you want to remember how it felt to be loved back by him, remember him, what he was like, what it felt like to be with him, and all the good times you had? All the stories you shared, etc.? But you just want to forget he is gone. And it is hard to remember someone was here, but forget they are gone, too, right? The two just don't logically go together. I understand that.

I block things out like this somewhat myself, but I don't literally forget. Have you actually surpressed memories? I supress the emotions, not the memories. But I do try to go on as if things are the same as they have always been. As if nothing is different even though people I am used to seeing regularly aren't there anymore. Almost, as you said, as if they were never there. Logically I know better. I know they were there and they are gone. But my heart doesn't want to admit what has happened. I still remember them, but on some level my heart rejects the reality of things. So, I do get somewhat where you are coming from and wanted to let you know.

Grief may seem easier to deal with in small bits like this, but it does lengthen the process. It is also important that you try to deal with it to some degree. The wound won't heal just because you ignore it. So maybe gently and slowly try to feel it, examine it, release it, and heal it? Also, if you get in the habit of trying to consciously supress stuff, you may start supressing emotions or memories subconsciously (without choice). This isn't necessarily a good thing, and while you can correct conscious actions you don't like (change your mind and choose to address a feeling), if this becomes a subconscious habit (supress emotion without choice), it will be harder for you to change it (and release the emotion) if it causes you probs. later. So before this becomes an ingrained automatic reaction, maybe you should try to deal with this a bit now.

I know it is hard to lose someone you love. You can feel free to PM me if you want.

~Locust

[katebabe622]

right ... i understand. thank you locust. you have no idea how much i appreciate people on this website like you. no matter what i'm going through i know i can come here and discuss it with people who care, even though they don't know me. thank you

[Locust]

You are most welcome Kate. I hope you find some peace. Again, you are free to talk to me anytime you need someone to listen.

~Locust