[AmynAz]

Hello - I lost my father , grandmother - which was his mother and my nana -my
mothers mom this year. When my father died I had not been talking to him
for four years because of his drug addiction and a huge fight over his stealing
from me. I was his oldest child and only child until I was 12. Then he had a son
with his second wife - I only saw him as an infant because my dad had gone to
prison shortly after his birth for embezzlement(spelling?) for a year and a half
then after he got out he and wife had seperated for years finally to divorce
after he had fought with her and was sent back to prison to finish remaining time
on the first crime and was found guilty on new charges of assault , kidnapping and burglary all against his wife. The judge had sentenced him to serve both sentences consecutively and both full - which would have been 8 years. The
papers were lost and he miraculously was let out after only serving 2 years
on first sentence. I always asked how and he would say he didnt know what
happened it was Gods work - which he found on last stay in prison after being
an atheist. He got remarried and had another little girl when I was in early twenties - and all seemed well. This lasted for about 4 years then he divorced
again - after he had a huge trial sueing for his freedom from the State of Az.
This was a widely publicized case in which he finally won at the third and final
appealet court. Then had went through a series of jobs and apartments - had a heart attack last year I was still talking to him and seeing him. I lived with
my mother until she remarried when I was 12 - and her life and mine was the
opposite of his. So in a sense I lived in two seperate worlds growing up but I
adored my father when I was young and it always broke my heart when he
would get into trouble. I finally had enough though when he came to my house
stole money and my car (never proven it was him for sure) and it had a huge and
direct effect on my then 7 yr old son. And he stole some tools from a friend of
his mothers (my Grandma) and had tried to blame and frame me which didnt
work out but he clearly tried. And was spending a lot of time with my exhusband
which was abusive to me - and I had to say enough was enough. So I told him
to stay away - and broke all ties with his family as well. I missed him always
but my Nana would ask me when I would say that I was sad and missed him -
"What is it going to take for you to get it - and stay away from him - does he
have to kill you or put you in jail for you to finally stop loving him ?" And then she would bring up my son and ask if I was willing to let my Dad ruin his life too?
So I stayed away and then my aunt (his sister) called to tell me he had a stroke
in his apartment alone on Thanksgiving Day. When he didnt show at his mothers
the family sent police to do well check and found him. I went to his services - none of his other children were present - and I cant tell you how terrible it was
and still is for me. I wasnt close to his mother - but I went to her services when she passed 5 months after him. I have two aunts left in that family - one I was
always close to until break with Dad - and have reconnected with. There is a
huge estate left that I was written out of in trust as was my Dad- I am ok with
that. Now last week my mothers mom - my Nana died unexpectly. She and I were
always close - my mother and her werent because of differences over me from the day I was born. So my mother hadnt talked to Nana in 14 yrs since the day I
had my son. But I still remained close to both. Nana went in last week for a follow up with cardiologist - her numbers were very bad (we knew she was needing surgery) the doctor told my grandfather she had to go to hospital next door immediatly for surgery - they gave her a shot of morphine as she was having
some chest pain - then took her to hospital. The last place he saw her was office as she went into major cardiac arrest then died in two hours. I went to services and am still in shock- my mother did not come. Only family was there about 15 of us - my uncle did eulogy. I had never been to a funeral before my Dads this last year and now have been to three. I am 39 and this has been soooo hard for me
and scary as well. When my father had had his first heart attack and we were
talking still- I had a feeling that I would lose them (him, mom , grandma and nana) in less than one year. At time it was sooo strong this feeling that I had told him how scared I was and that a song "How do I live without you" was exactly how
I was feeling about this. I was so sure of this I started to cry daily for about two weeks or so - until I had to tell myself to stop and this took a few days to do -
and it went away. I did it because it wasnt healthy for me or my son to be sooo
sad just because of a feeling - but now I cant help but wonder if it was right.
My mother is still here - and I am terrified to think about it any other way. If I lose her I know I will never be happy again and am already afraid of this feeling like I have lost such a big part of me that I dont know who I am - is this normal? Amy

[bebop]

I am very sorry for your losses. words are never enough hon.
as for your mother still being alive, there is time now to make amends there. I know my mom died mad at me 15 yrs ago and it has been hard to deal with. I think you have been thru enough already. maybe try to give her a call. the past is past hon.

[BlueFaith]

((( Amy ))) I'm sorry you've had to endure such loss. I think bebop is right. Try to make ammends with your mother while there is still time left. It's never too late. I pray for peace for you. Take care of yourself.