[ne1410s]

Few triggers thrown in here, for the caveat.
I really just have a lot of things to throw out there. Maybe it'll help if I vent a bit. Who knows. I don't really know much right now.


My father wasn't a good man. At all actually. He was an angry, violent, petty monster. He never knew how to express himself correctly. He never understood the meaning of anything somebody said about him. He always had to be right, and he would always make it right even if it so badly wasn't. I never got along with my father. We never spoke, and when we did, it wasn't a normal father-daughter conversation. They were conversations that I never wanted to have with anyone, ever. We didn't play games together. We didn't go places together. The things we did "together" were things I never wanted to do with anyone, ever. Our relationship was built off of abuse. It was the only standard. It was the only way for him. He never knew anything else.

Through all of the abuse, trauma, and everything he put me through; I miss him very much. Why? Because he is my father. Without all of the things he did to me as a child, without all of the things he forced me to witness as a child; I would be a better person today. I can't dwell on the past because it isn't changing. But, without my father at all, I wouldn't be here.

I would rather be alive and tortured, abused, and beaten halfway to hell than not ever have existed at all.

It really makes you think. Even if it's only for a second.


My father committed suicide this past Monday.

You weren't the best Dad.. but you sure as hell left a mark.

[sabby]

((((((( ne1410s ))))))))

I can only imagine being pulled in different directions with the death of your father. In one sense, grieving his passing, in another sense possibly some relief?

I would also imagine he was a tortured soul. Yes, he was your father, for all that he was or wasn't. Please accept my condolences on his passing. And I hope you can find some peace and understanding to help your heart and mind.


sabby