How to help my grieving boyfriend (or ex-boyfriend?)

My boyfriend lost his mum in August/08, and I think he didn't have a proper grief, he was always trying to make his dad and brother feel well forgetting about himself. He relied on me, we started dating only 2 months before his mum died, and have been there for him since. He's been always saying how much he appreciates my support, and says I am very important for him. Unfortunately I had to travel for work reasons and was away for 2 months, with few opportunities of communication. Now I am back, and found that he fell in a profound depression while i was away; he is so cheerful and positive, but now he is like a whole new person, he doesn't enjoy or gets enthusiastic about anything, he has constant nightmares begging his mum not to die, he says he sees her on the streets, and he says he feels detached from everyone and everything. He is so sad, and asked me to have a time on his own, which I find absolutely reasonable, but at the same time he asked me not to get lost. I have no idea of how to help him, it is very sad to see him like this, and I don't really understand what he is going through. He wouldn't let me see him, and I don't know how else to express I am there for him without disrespecting his will of time and space, but having into account he asked me not to leave him alone. He says he wants to see me, but not now, just soon. I know I shouldn't take this personally, and I am willing to be here for him, but I am afraid he just doesn't want to tell me that he's not interested in me anymore. What can I do?

Hi Massara ,

I haven't been in this particular forum for a few weeks and saw your post with no repsonses.

What I would do is tell him that you care for him and want to be there for him but you have contacted him several times and he keeps saying he's not ready. So tell him when he is ready to give you a call, you can't promise to still be available as his girlfriend but you certainly would be there as a friend for him. Then just start getting on with your own life.

When I lost my mom in 2003, I went through alot and put my husband through alot. It's not that he's afraid to tell you he's not intrested, he really does need time to adjust to not having his mom anymore. It really is a strange reality when you lose someone you were so close to. It's really hard imagining a world in which they no longer exist. The best thing you can do right now is be his best friend. Someone he can trust with his emotions and be open with. He might not be ready for that at this moment but he will be. He's probably still in a state of shock. I know I was for a very long time. He should see a doctor and talk about his depression so he can be helped with his grieving if it is too much for him to handle.

You let him do his grieving. It's a process and it takes as long as it takes. Be a friend for now and let him be who he is. There is nothing you can do about the grieving process so you can relax about that. He needs whatever time he needs; this is about him and the most profound loss any of us have to grieve.