[planejane13]

I am a 27 year old female. At 15 I had rod placement surgery for scoliosis. I was in the hospital for 3 days, had 3 drainage tubes in my back, a tube in my nose and down my throat to stop me from vomiting, numerous i.v's, an oxygen tube and a catheter. At 16 I was diagnosed with osteoarthritis in my spine. At 20 a hard lump formed on my back scar and eventually turned soft and ruptured. After waiting for 2 years with a draining hole in my back I finally had exploratory surgery. The rods were removed and I was told I had osteomyelitis which is mrsa in the bone. I developed anemia in the hospital and had a picc line (i.v. at home) for 6 weeks and had to hook up to it twice a day. I developed red man syndrome which is a sensitivity reaction from the antibiotic (vancomycin) and had to stop early. My entire body was red and itchy.* I now have a rib hump (my ribs are different sizes, when I bend over my right ribs stick up about 4 inches higher than my left ribs), my spine is curved in the thoracic area where my ribs are connected. My right shoulder slumps forward causing pain and complete numbness in my right arm, right shoulder blade and right back of my leg. I have a leg descrepancy and wear a cork in my shoe and i have a lot of pain in my spine. With all of this I have also developed sebhorreic dermatitis on my scalp and face (similar to scoriasis), oral allergy syndrome (allergy to uncooked fruits and vegetables), polymorphic light eruption (allergy to the sun's uv rays), polycystic ovarian syndrome (cycts on my ovaries), adenomyosis (similar to endometriosis), postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome (blood rushes to my feet and legs when standing, causing fatigue and fainting), I have had mrsa in my right armpit, mrsa on my scalp numerous times and now have mrsa in my groin. My lymphnodes all over my body (total of 19) have been swollen for 7 months- i had lymphnode removal surgery in my groin in january, they were reactive which is normal but they are still swollen all over the rest of my body, I have recurrent (monthly) vaginal bacterial infections and when I take the antibiotics they cause a yeast infection, have had a miscarriage, abnormal menses if I dont take birth control- I wouldnt get my period for 3 months sometimes and when I did, it would last for up to 47 days.* Now I have to have a colonoscopy because of severe constipation and I lost 20 lbs for no reason, my stomach hurts when I eat. Ive had so much blood work in my life time, had a sleep study for my severe fatigue, had multiple mri's, ultrasounds and x-rays. I can barely drink alcohol without getting extremely tired or sick feeling. I think I got everything. On top of these I have depression and anxiety, especially social anxiety. Ive tried all kinds of medications but my body just seems to have bad reactions from them. Its like they do the opposite of what they are supposed to and make me more depressed. I do take xanex when I absolutely need it, Im afraid Ill become dependant. I'm not able to work a full time job due to my fatigue and constant medical problems but Im not able to get even partial disbability. I grew up in a trailer filled with parties constantly. I had alcoholic parents. My father was* abusive and tried shooting my mother and his future girlfriends numerous times, beat my brother and mother, broke his girlfriends ribs, etc. I was molested by my brother. I quit my most recent job because of sexual harassment from my boss, I did press charges.*I am at my wits end. Daily I struggle just to get through the day, to get out of bed, to keep moving. I walk around in a trance, trying to get out of it. Normally I was a pretty happy person, I didnt let anything bring me down because I knew to be thankful for what I do have but time and again its like Im being challenged and I cant get a break. I recently starting seeing a therpist who is great. Does anyone have a similar life? Is there hope for me? I just dont have the strength to pick myself up anymore. No motivation, inspiration, no self worth, I actually loath myself sometimes. It sounds weird saying that for strangers to read but I have to say it and accept it and thats what these threads are for right? I see pictures of pretty girls and compare myself, pick myself apart. I can barely watch television or movies because of sex scenes. I get really uncomfortable. I cant stand loud noises like gun shots, video games or when people yell, I have a severe fear of spiders.* I feel like everything I do and everywhere I go there's a trigger. Any thoughts or advice would be so appreciated. I feel like I dwell on the negative and Im not quite sure how to stop. I guess just talking with anyone who's had similar experiences would help. Atleast I think it would.
Thank you so much in advance.

[Leed]

Bless your sweet heart! You have been thru hell. I applaud you for how well you're doing!!! After going thru all that, and still going strong? You're just great!

I'm sorry you've had to endure all that. I know how it can get you down tho. I have severe spinal problems myself. I've had 2 open spinal surgeries -- not those nice "micro" surgeries they can do now. Nope, they opened me wide! And not only that, but I WOKE UP on the darn operating room table during surgery! And they didn't know it of course, cause I was face down in those lovely spinal tables, where they can't see your face!!! And they give you that stuff so you can't move during spinal surgery, so how was I supposed to tell them I was awake?? Talk about being SCARED!!! I don't know how long I was awake before they realized it, but it seemed like forever! And I've done that 3 times total during surgeries! They can't keep me asleep. LOL

Plus I also have osteoarthritis, osteporosis, herniations, stenosis, compression fractures, scar tissue wrapped around nerve roots, I also have Fibromyalgia, and I've had a heart attack.

I'm so glad you started seeing a therapist! Believe me, you'll be glad you did. Just remember that the key to therapy is to be OPEN AND HONEST. If you aren't, then therapy won't work. I've been thru therapy and I'm so glad I did, as it really and truly was the best gift I ever gave myself. I needed it badly and it worked! I have "major depression" or cliinical depression and I'll be on medication the rest of my life according to 2 psychiatrists. I feel great ON medication. I have tried going OFF medication, and each time I've fallen into the pit of hell -- and I never want to do that again.

Posting here is good too "Jane" as it is a good place to vent. And you also make some good friends here too. So perhaps you'd feel comfortable in the Depression forum, or the Anxiety and Panic forum. These would be great forums for you to join. Give them a try, okay?

I'm glad you're here. I hope you'll stay too. I'll look for your posts on other forums. God bless and please take care Jane. Hugs, Lee

[planejane13]

Originally Posted by Leed

Bless your sweet heart! You have been thru hell. I applaud you for how well you're doing!!! After going thru all that, and still going strong? You're just great!

I'm sorry you've had to endure all that. I know how it can get you down tho. I have severe spinal problems myself. I've had 2 open spinal surgeries -- not those nice "micro" surgeries they can do now. Nope, they opened me wide! And not only that, but I WOKE UP on the darn operating room table during surgery! And they didn't know it of course, cause I was face down in those lovely spinal tables, where they can't see your face!!! And they give you that stuff so you can't move during spinal surgery, so how was I supposed to tell them I was awake?? Talk about being SCARED!!! I don't know how long I was awake before they realized it, but it seemed like forever! And I've done that 3 times total during surgeries! They can't keep me asleep. LOL

Plus I also have osteoarthritis, osteporosis, herniations, stenosis, compression fractures, scar tissue wrapped around nerve roots, I also have Fibromyalgia, and I've had a heart attack.

I'm so glad you started seeing a therapist! Believe me, you'll be glad you did. Just remember that the key to therapy is to be OPEN AND HONEST. If you aren't, then therapy won't work. I've been thru therapy and I'm so glad I did, as it really and truly was the best gift I ever gave myself. I needed it badly and it worked! I have "major depression" or cliinical depression and I'll be on medication the rest of my life according to 2 psychiatrists. I feel great ON medication. I have tried going OFF medication, and each time I've fallen into the pit of hell -- and I never want to do that again.

Posting here is good too "Jane" as it is a good place to vent. And you also make some good friends here too. So perhaps you'd feel comfortable in the Depression forum, or the Anxiety and Panic forum. These would be great forums for you to join. Give them a try, okay?

I'm glad you're here. I hope you'll stay too. I'll look for your posts on other forums. God bless and please take care Jane. Hugs, Lee

Thanks so much for your reply and support Lee! You have been through a lot yourself, I cannot believe you wake up during surgery!!! How scary! Talk about strong! I think of everything Ive been through, back surgery was the worst. I was opened up wide as well. My scar goes from my lower neck down to my hipline. Also a scar over my right hip where they took for a graft. Walking for the first time made me cry like a little baby! Lol. Both times the therapist had to be stern with me and MAKE me walk. It felt like my back was going to pop open. I feel for anyone who's had back problems, they affect your entire body. So major kudos to you! Especially knowing you might wake up during and doing it anyways
Well I had my colonoscopy and woke up during! Lol. After 5 procedures and Ive never woke up, I did with this one. Hahaha. They found and removed a polyp, it was sent for testing. Also found a tortous colon which means its longer and bends and twists more than normal. Also I have irritable bowel syndrome. So there are a few things to add to my list;-) I do love therapy and the hardest thing is opening up all the way. I sometimes dont admit just how depressed I am or how bad my anxiety attacks are. And they are getting worse. I just made a major change in my home life. I left an abusive relationship and Im feeling very light and free so that is good news!! I will definitely check out the other forums and Im sorry it took so long to get back to you. Great to meet you
"Jane"
Oh, and I hope Im posting this right... we shall see!

[Leed]

Oh gosh Jane ~ You have a scar from the neck down to your hipline? HOLY COW! I thought MINE was long! LOL You're the champion! I bow to you!

Sweetie, you've got a boatload of problems and I'm so sorry. I wonder if it IS really true that if we put all our troubles in a pile with everyone else's that we'd take all of ours back??? lol I guess it's probably true, but sometimes I wonder.

I AM VERY PROUD OF YOU for leaving the abusive partner! I know that took a lot of guts to do. I also left my abusive husband after 26 years of marriage, and I KNOW I should have done it much sooner, but he threatened me with taking my kids to a place where I'd never see them again, and I KNOW he would have done it. He would have done it just to hurt ME. So I had to wait until the youngest was 18. I was just too scared. After I left him, he stalked me, called me at all hours of the night - just a total #$#%$$@%. Finally I moved out of town where he couldn't find me, and my kids wouldn't tell him where I was. Boy it feels good to be free, doesn't it? WHEW!!!

Please keep in touch will you? You can private message me too! God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee