I have a sister who was formerly a bright, witty, well organized person. Now she is none of those things. Losing someone when they die is bad enough. Losing someone while they are still alive is a whole different thing.
And now another sibling has discovered that a conservative political group has been pumping our sister for money every month. Some of you can imagine how that sits with me.

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by George H.

Losing someone when they die is bad enough. Losing someone while they are still alive is a whole different thing.

I hear you. I've said the same thing re my dear relative.

[Kate King]

George, I don't really have anything to contribute, I just wanted you to know that I hear you, and I am sorry. That must be horrible for everyone to go through. ((hugs))

[lizardlady]

George, my Mom had dementia the last couple years of her life. You are right. You lose the person you loved before their body dies.

As for the group that is fleecing your sister out of money. Does anyone in the family have a durable power of attorney? If not, would your sister be willing to give one of you POA? That way whoever has the POA can take over paying her bills and managing her money.

Actually, now that I think of it you don't have to have a POA. If one of you is on the signature card for her checking account you can take over paying the bills. You would have to persuade your sister to hand over her checkbook though.

I like to think there is a special place in hell for people who take advantage of people like your sister.

[lynn P.]

I'm sorry to hear about your sisters dementia George and agree with lizardlady. I hope there's someone who's close enough and trustworthy who she would agree to POA. Better if it could be voluntary rather than legally enforced.

My older brother was in the early stages of alcohol related dementia. Unfortunately he ended his life. Its must be very difficult seeing a loved one lose themselves and forget family members. I went though a slightly similar feeling of having a strong mother one minute to where she was completely helpless from a stroke and wearing diapers. You end up mourning the person before they actually die. Maybe this website might be helpful:

Forgetfulness: Knowing When To Ask For Help | National Institute on Aging

I am sorrowed to hear this George, isn't this illegal? My aunt has full-blown schizophrenia, and her caretakers will not allow her funds to be dispersed to others (she watches tv and wants to donate to every tom, **** and harry) I hate those stations that take advantage of well-meaning altruistic individuals. There should be regulations or perhaps checks and balances to prevent this abuse. So sorry George.

[IowaFarmGal]

I'm sorry to hear this George. It must be very hard. I hope your family can find a way to protect her. It's hard enough when it's an elderly person. I worry about someone taking advantage of Mom when I'm at work too.

Hi George,
Are you fighting the conservatives to leave
your Sister alone! Why do people take advantage
of someone especially when they have a debilitating
disease?
George I'm so sorry about your Sister.
My Grandfather suffered from the same thing back in the 80's.
I used to visit him in the nursing home and it was so hard because he would
just stare into space. We were close when I was a little girl 5,6 years old I could ask him anything & he would explain things. We often bonded over TV it was so fun.
I'm so sorry.
Kick those conservative peoples butt will you.
That just infuriates me.

I appreciate all the kind words and thoughtful suggestions. I've been through something like this before so I kind of have an idea of how it could be a little further down the road.
I was the caregiver for my mother when she was struck by vascular dementia. That was very hard but it didn't have the complications this situation will present. My sister has a grown daughter and I think that if she doesn't step forward and take charge of things then there will be a lot of strife within the family. My niece is a great person but I think she is in denial. She has to be aware that something is wrong with her mother but she is being very slow to accept it. I can't really blame her. A total stranger told me that something was wrong with my mother long before I saw and accepted it. The big difference here is that while my mother was a very meek and dependent person my sister is very independent. She was one of the most capable, responsible, TCB type people I've ever known. She was married to an abusive husband. She stood up to him and divorced him when her daughter was a toddler. She raised my niece alone and did a very good job. Saved her money and bought a home... sent my niece to college. She's never asked anyone for help. She knows there is something wrong with her and I'm afraid that it secretly bothers her a great deal. She drives and that is scary but how do you take the keys away from a grown woman... your older sister.
And the change is the hardest thing to accept. She was a very nice person... she wasn't overly political but her outlook was pretty liberal. Supported civil rights, concerned about the environment, admired and respected people who deserved it... MLK, the Kennedys, Paul Newman. Now she listens to talk radio and gives money to the frikking tea party and rants about the damned immigrants and the socialist president and the whole nine yards. But you can tell it really isn't her deep down.
Anyway I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know what I can do. I don't think I have the stamina and energy I had when I took care of my mom. Caregiver to someone with dementia is a tough job. You don't sleep much and when you do it's with one eye open because you never know what they are going to do. I know she is only going t get worse though. I just hope she doesn't lose herself entirely. And I don't want to see her in a nursing home or any institutional care situation. I hope my niece wakes up to this soon and has some good ideas. I know she is capable but she has three children of her own.
Yes, I'm thinking out loud or textually

[Nammu]

Oh this really makes me YR$#&grh....I believe groups and individuals who do that should be convicted of a felony & serve mandatory prison terms-no fines and slaps on the wrist.

My grandmother had dementia but fortunately she had my grandfather there to protect her, but during the last few months she had to move in with my parents as it was too much for him. It does take a great deal of stamina to deal with. I too hope your sister will be able to remain at home for as long as possible. I used to work in geriatrics and the last year I worked in a specialized unit for dementia. It was a really great place, they had ankle monitors that would go off if anyone made it off the unit. That unit faced a courtyard so there was a safe place for them to get outside but still, they knew it was not home. It is hard to accept that parents can be lost to such a horrible illness. Has your sister been officially diagnosed? If so maybe getting your nice to talk to a specialist would be the first step in addressing her denial. The sooner it is addressed the better & more effective the treatment. If your sister hasn't yet seen anyone for this that would be the first step. There are some things that can help but they need to be done on a daily bases for best results and someone with memory problems would have a hard time doing that if they live alone. A visiting aid or nurse that specializes in this area could help w/ that if it was too much for your niece.

[winter4me]

Originally Posted by George H.

I appreciate all the kind words and thoughtful suggestions. I've been through something like this before so I kind of have an idea of how it could be a little further down the road.
I was the caregiver for my mother when she was struck by vascular dementia. That was very hard but it didn't have the complications this situation will present. My sister has a grown daughter and I think that if she doesn't step forward and take charge of things then there will be a lot of strife within the family. My niece is a great person but I think she is in denial. She has to be aware that something is wrong with her mother but she is being very slow to accept it. I can't really blame her. A total stranger told me that something was wrong with my mother long before I saw and accepted it. The big difference here is that while my mother was a very meek and dependent person my sister is very independent. She was one of the most capable, responsible, TCB type people I've ever known. She was married to an abusive husband. She stood up to him and divorced him when her daughter was a toddler. She raised my niece alone and did a very good job. Saved her money and bought a home... sent my niece to college. She's never asked anyone for help. She knows there is something wrong with her and I'm afraid that it secretly bothers her a great deal. She drives and that is scary but how do you take the keys away from a grown woman... your older sister.
And the change is the hardest thing to accept. She was a very nice person... she wasn't overly political but her outlook was pretty liberal. Supported civil rights, concerned about the environment, admired and respected people who deserved it... MLK, the Kennedys, Paul Newman. Now she listens to talk radio and gives money to the frikking tea party and rants about the damned immigrants and the socialist president and the whole nine yards. But you can tell it really isn't her deep down.
Anyway I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know what I can do. I don't think I have the stamina and energy I had when I took care of my mom. Caregiver to someone with dementia is a tough job. You don't sleep much and when you do it's with one eye open because you never know what they are going to do. I know she is only going t get worse though. I just hope she doesn't lose herself entirely. And I don't want to see her in a nursing home or any institutional care situation. I hope my niece wakes up to this soon and has some good ideas. I know she is capable but she has three children of her own.
Yes, I'm thinking out loud or textually

Hugs. I also took care of my mom when she had dementia, very tough and sad. My son was in denial about this for quite a while (there had been too many losses in succession at the time)---let's hope the niece steps up---have you guys spoken?
When my dad was dying (thinking liberal thoughts)---he said "NO funeral, no service, no stone, give money to the ACLU, SPLC, Habitat for Humanity and I don't know what else you do when people die."

[DenisDonnacha]

I would suggest you make it as public as possible that this group took advantage of your sibling, if it was me in that situation I would make it my duty to ruin their reputation in my area.
I know what it's like living with a relative with dementia, my grandmother had to move in with us because it advanced very quickly, maybe 5 years ago she was a lively older woman living a normal life, now she requires 24/7 care. It's very tough, stay strong.

Originally Posted by sidestepper

Oh this really makes me YR$#&grh....I believe groups and individuals who do that should be convicted of a felony & serve mandatory prison terms-no fines and slaps on the wrist.

My grandmother had dementia but fortunately she had my grandfather there to protect her, but during the last few months she had to move in with my parents as it was too much for him. It does take a great deal of stamina to deal with. I too hope your sister will be able to remain at home for as long as possible. I used to work in geriatrics and the last year I worked in a specialized unit for dementia. It was a really great place, they had ankle monitors that would go off if anyone made it off the unit. That unit faced a courtyard so there was a safe place for them to get outside but still, they knew it was not home. It is hard to accept that parents can be lost to such a horrible illness. Has your sister been officially diagnosed? If so maybe getting your nice to talk to a specialist would be the first step in addressing her denial. The sooner it is addressed the better & more effective the treatment. If your sister hasn't yet seen anyone for this that would be the first step. There are some things that can help but they need to be done on a daily bases for best results and someone with memory problems would have a hard time doing that if they live alone. A visiting aid or nurse that specializes in this area could help w/ that if it was too much for your niece.

She has been to a doctor... maybe more than one I think. It's hard to get the whole story. She mentioned one test that the doc said showed "white spots" in her brain. I'm guessing a PET scan or something and plaque.
I don't know of any official diagnosis but she doesn't have high blood pressured or clogged blood vessels so it isn't likely to be vascular.
My niece... it's a very touchy subject with her. I know that she has gone with her mom on a couple of doctor visits. It's really complicated with all the family dynamic thing.

[tigerlily84]

My heart goes out to you George.
My grandmother has dementia and my mom and I were her caregivers until she fell and broke her hip a few years ago. She's in a nursing home now and it is the best situation for her. I can't imagine having to go through all of that a second time. I don't have any suggestions and you seem like a very level headed person. Just wanted to give you my support.

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by George H.

She has been to a doctor... maybe more than one I think. It's hard to get the whole story. She mentioned one test that the doc said showed "white spots" in her brain. I'm guessing a PET scan or something and plaque.
I don't know of any official diagnosis but she doesn't have high blood pressured or clogged blood vessels so it isn't likely to be vascular.
My niece... it's a very touchy subject with her. I know that she has gone with her mom on a couple of doctor visits. It's really complicated with all the family dynamic thing.

That makes it so hard. There is no reason to hide when there are health concerns, but many people do feel compelled to be silent and not share on health issues that either shame them or make them afraid. I'm so sorry.

[hamster-bamster]

George,

Both my grandmothers went through this in their last years.

There are things you need to do to help you lower your risk since it runs in the family:

- there is some evidence though it is modest that baby aspirin helps. I cannot take it because I get nosebleeds from it, but if you can (making sure it does not interact badly with your medications if you are on any), try that since aspirin also has heart health benefits

- cardio exercise, staying physically active

- Omega-3 fats have good evidence in support of their use

- moderate alcohol intake unless you cannot consume alcohol in moderation due to alcoholic tendencies AND/OR it would interact with your medications

- being socially connected, not being lonely - it is very important

- sleep

- a good diet