[wisewoman]

This could fit in PTSD, Abuse, anxiety etc. I am putting it here because I really want to hear from people with health issues.

I went to therapy today. I told my T that I felt like I was making up a lot of symptoms and pain to get some sort of attention. Like I was faking a lot. She asked me if I have ever gotten anything out of being ill ever in my life and I said no, or course not. As a child it made me more vulnerable to abuse, and as I got to be 7-8 I learned how to mind travel(dissociate) so I never felt pain or knew when I was ill.

I have gotten nothing from being ill now. I had severe pain and went to the E.R. twice, two sundays in a row and it was horrid. They barely gave me any pain relief. It was negative attention.

I went to a good hospital and saw a specialist and got a treatment that has helped enormously. However, my pain is beginning to increase again and the P.T. says he doesn't think it's the bone spur and the rotator cuff thing. It's muscles. So I am having spasms in my neck, back, shoulders. I went to the doc last week with an entire list of ABC, what to do when to manage my pain. I got a little relief and answers. I know that some of my pain now is impingement and nerve pain.

I feel like people think I am lying to get attention and that they are getting sick of me. T pointed out that that was from my childhood, I was accused of that. I had read the good doc's note and she said that I didn't appear to be in a lot of pain. Well, there goes that poker face thing!!!! I told her the ride over the mountain was hell and that regardless of what happened that day I needed her to give me a big shot of something strong so I could make it home. But I didn't appear too stressed or too much in pain. So, I have to tell her that I have a history of childhood abuse and that I was indeed in significant pain. I will tell her about my poker face.

I still have trouble with thiswhole thing. Truth is I take more pain meds then what's described. I take what I can safely take to relieve the pain. Other truth is that I am petrified of that level of pain returning. I am scared witless about the disk degeneration and spurs and want the good hospital's spine clinic to treat me.

But I still feel like I am lying and making a mountain out of a mole hill.

I need feedback. T was clear, and then here I am having to remind myself when pain meds are working well not to use that arm in ways I should not. Then I feel like I am faking.

In highschool I was very ill one day and went to the sick room and just asked to lay down and sleep. I left when school was over and didn't get attention for that. I think I had vomited. I was afraid to call home. I did not get positive attention.

I had my kids at home, do it yourself project, no one babied me.

But why is my body doing these things? Why do I have these illnesses? Did I make them happen by being so ill from the PTSD? Am I a wimp?

I used to carry sofa couches up the stairs by myself and move everything big. I was a strong person. I carried my foster daughter around like nothing when I was 9 months pregnant and she weighed 65 pounds. I did learn from that that strained groin muscles hurt.

Please let me know what you all think as you read this. Oh yeah, I don't always take the supplements that doc's have asked, sometimes due to cost, sometimes side affects.

[January]

((((((((((((( ww )))))))))))))))

Can you perhaps edit this post and then give it to your Dr. so she can read it? Then she'll know about your poker face.

Children of abuse so often just don't know how to believe themselves when they are sick. We are invalidated by everyone we know, so we don't know whether to believe our bodies or not.

Please don't take too much pain medicine. For one thing, it's dangerous and for another thing, you'll run out before it's time for a refill.

Please take good care of yourself and know that all of us care about you.

Hugs,

Jan

[wisewoman]

Thanks Jan, Maybe just my primary. I can verbally tell the shoulder specialist the poker face thing.

[wisewoman]

Thanks everyone for your kind thoughts and support during this time of physical and emotional stress. It is so heart warming to feel the love and understanding here. I may need to change my name in order to be accepted and responded to. Hmm, let me think about that. Again thanks all,

[inkblot]

I have been thinking about this issue alot lately because of my heart problems and PTSD history. I know the docs all think that most of my problems are just anxiety--like you, they are fooled by the "poker face". People with PTSD learn to hide feelings and emotions--that's the whole poker face! We learn to "numb" our reactions to hide from the pain--physical or psychological. Do we have to somehow fake even more extreme pain to get them to believe us?

Having PTSD changes our body/brain chemistry, so we are physiologically different in how our bodies and everything work. My heart problems aren't necessarily anxiety, but I assume an abnormality or increased sensitivity due to these chemical changes, such as catecholemines, etc. It's no different than a person with kidney disease who develops high blood pressure, in my opinion. Basically, all organs and everything in our bodies interact to work as a whole. A problem with one part can have effect on others.

I was told last week to schedule an appointment to talk about my recent test results and the problems going on. I was able to schedule with my primary doc (I saw an associate who ordered the recent tests), and about 95% of the appointment was just talking, like therapy, "getting to know me". He knows that I have some issues, like eating and such, but he's never gotten me to actually say it and talk about it at appointments. I'm too afraid. He has been very sweet, but I could tell he also assumes that my heart problems lately are just stress and anxiety.