My GP has said, more than once, that I'm a kind of "complicated case". At this point in her office alone I had just broken down and started crying simply because I feel like a huge pain in the ***, like I'm such a problem patient, like I should just be able to figure out on my own at this point what the heck is wrong.

I feel like i must be doing something grossly inappropriate that is contributing to my poor health, it's my fault, I'm irresponsible, etc. etc. etc.

I hate going to the doctor. I hate that most of the things we try just aren't working. Most of the tests we run show nothing substantial. I've taken to getting major anxiety the night before I go in to discuss results for tests if I can't see them in my online char- I'm worried they are going to not give any useful information. I don't know what to do anymore.

I get a feeling, and it's becoming stronger and stronger, that like... I am supposed to just say that, yeah I'm feeling better. That this new medicine is working better than the last one. Not only that, but it's just working, period. Like whatever it was supposed to help is fixed.

Like, I'm not having all these other symptoms either.

I kind of am hesitant to talk about all the stuff that is bothering me, even though it's pretty relevant, when i see doctors- new or ones I've been seeing for a while. It's just... why am I not getting better? Why isn't this all obvious now?

Why isn't it apparent what the problem is?

They take like half of my blood and the results are all fairly normal.
I changed my NSAID and... the results are still kind of the same with this new medication- not all that helpful.

I see my rheumatologist on Thursday.
But the new NSAID hasn't really improved treatment of inflammation and pain, and I am pretty sure the xrays of my hands will show nothing.

She said last appointment "we haven't xray'd your hands and we should definitely do that. If you are having such pain in your hands and have for sometimes, we should certainly be able to see something"

That... It's hard to explain precisely how her saying that made me feel, but it was kind of like... end of the line.
I dont actually think anything will show on these exrays because we had xraays done of like five other damn places with pain and not much showed up. It was like- "this is a test, and if you fail the test, I can't help you" Like a suggestion that I need to prove there is something dysfunctional.

I can't do that.
I can't prove something that isn't there- that is... I dont know what it is any more than she does, how can I point it out?

I want my life back.
I don't want to ask other people to cut my damn chicken for me, or have to take a break every 5-10 minutes preparing food. On a good day now.

This sucks.
I feel like, as I mentioned in the title, I am now feeling like I'm just supposed to say "yes, I'm feeling better".

but i don't. And things aren't helping.
And if I don't say that things are better and the meds or thereapy or whatever is helping, then I'm just exasperating.

I don't know what to do.

[LaborIntensive]

Wouldn't it be nice to get away from it all for awhile? I wish words alone could help you and they are all I can offer. I know that in situations like this you must exhaust all avenues and not lose hope. I am guessing you have been searching the internet. All I can say is be sure your leaving comments on sites. I had a few folks email me back from various sites from posts that were a year old but they nailed an issue I have had for 5 years that the doctors couldn't figure out!!! I was flabbergasted! So now I am working on bettering this issue and I hope the same can happen for you.

Thanks for the reply.
There's so much more going on than I've even been able to mention, including some terrible nerve pain that is actually waking me up- I can't go back to sleep, can't sleep through it even with a sleep aid dose of dyphenhydramine. It's near on torturous.

I feel trapped.
I feel like... some of this, most of this is temporary.
I mean, i hope it is.

I feel kind of stupid lately.
Like to the point where if some one else I knew was acting this stupid, I would eithr wonder if they had recently suffered a head injury, were taking illicit substances, or- more likely- if they were actually running some sort of social experiment I was not privy to. But yeah, i would really wonder if someone could actually be as stupid as I am being sometimes.

It's frustrating.

I come back to "this is temporary" and i really hope I am right.

I'm just not sure how to deal with much of it- particularly the nerve pain.
Pain in general... for a while i can kind of detach myself to a degree from most pain. Nerve pain is a whole other beast. i have trouble detaching from it and pushing through it.

I feel really lost and trapped.
UGH.

[-jimi-]

Have they given you any kind of diagnosis? What do your labs show? I know it can be frustrating, I'm dissing rheumatology right now because I'm just too fed up.

[redbandit]

I'm sorry you are feeling so bad Josie!
I can relate to experiencing pain, and doctors not being able to find out what's wrong. So frustrating!

Sorry you are in so much pain. Looking for answers...tests showing nothing...Dr.'s saying here try this....saying "yeah maybe I do feel a little better" (when really you don't)...wanting to take a pill just so you can rationalize in your mind that you are trying to help yourself - the placebo effect -(when you know it's not really doing anything)....feeling like doctors don't care much and run the gamut of standard tests over and over as if something were going to miraculously change. Why can't doctors take more than 15 minutes to evaluate ALL of you? Why can't they use their super intellectual minds to actually try and figure something out? Try a different test out of the ordinary? I'm sure at least some doctors went into their profession to do more than prescribe aspirin or promote the latest "new" drug because the pharmaceutical company is giving him free samples. Doctors have been given the gift of a great analytical mind and many are just wasting it away by moving patients in and out of their office in an attempt to get through the day and take home a whopping paycheck. It wouldn't kill them to think a little would it? Or refer you to a diagnostician, which I think exists somewhere irl but not quite sure on that. I hope things improve for you and I hope you do not give up the search for answers.