[WonderSun]

I’m not feeling very well and just feeling really sorry for myself right now. I’ve been feeling crappy now since yesterday and so I called the out of hours drs today. The dr has prescribed some antibiotics for the chest infection I have.

I find having these infections very triggering. Not too long ago (end 2019), I was in hospital with pneumonia which later turned into pleurisy. While I was there, I was given an intravenous bag of antibiotics but quickly discovered I was allergic to them and went into anaphylactic shock. It was one of the most terrifying experiences I’ve ever been through. I ended up with a ridiculously high temp (40c/104f) and my heart rate rocketed into the hundreds. I was cold, so cold that I couldn’t stop shaking, until I was sweating and roasting just moments later. I couldn’t regulate my temp nor my breathing. I’d been coughing up blood. Honestly it was horrendous, so dam scary!!!

Earlier today I coughed up blood and got really scared. I find it highly triggering when I’m sick in this way. I often had respiratory issues as a kid, with multiple hospital admissions and so many chest infections over the years. As a teen, part of my abusive past involved one of the drs and someone else I’d rather not name. So now, going to literally see a dr is so difficult and thankfully I’ve not had to do that all that often. I hate it. I literally hate it.

It’s so horrid being sick and I wish that my body would stop giving me cause to have to stop like this. Just need to get on but my body keeps making me stop, it was only Christmas/New Years when I last had a chest infection, alongside covid. Sometimes I think my body really hates me!!!

I must sound like a right whinging so and so! I’m sorry. Just feel really poorly right now 😭

[Yaowen]

I am so very sorry you are going through such suffering. Wish I knew what to say that would help. You are bearing an incredibly heavy burden. It is so heartbreaking!

[Travelinglady]

WonderSun, I hope you feel better soon. I know it's hard feeling sickly so much...

[WonderSun]

Thank you for being so kind.I feel so unwell right now. Keep being flooded with the thoughts of the bad GP I used to see as a kid. He was such an asshole!! I can see his consultation room, his massive desk and 2 chairs in front for his patients. I’d always sit in the same place and every time he’d want to ‘listen to my chest’ he’d brazenly come around his desk, lift my top all the way up and expose my boobs to both the guys that were in the room. Humiliation doesn’t even come close. I was mortified. I hated it, being watched by one was awful enough, let alone them both. I wrote a poem about this once, maybe I’ll post it sometime.

Being poorly scares me when for so many years of my early life, I was hospitalised. Of all the things to be **** at, breathing? Really? I remember the smell of the hospital. I remember being told off for running around too much and for not realising how poorly I was as a kid. I missed SO much school.

Then other memories from the other person fill my head. How so much was psychologically damaging, a total head fk really. I was watched more than I knew (but always felt), and always in a state, with some or ALL clothing removed. My body touched in places and ways that I absolutely hated and did NOT want. Feeling so alone in it all, nobody believing, nobody bothered, nobody caring an iota or ounce about me then. Feeling broken, damaged and so stuck in my head right now. Therapy in 2 days, hoping it helps.