Girl Stuff? Sex Stuff? JUST STUFF

Ok, so I'm going to post this. I read some othe posts, lots of people were brave, I'm going to do this. :::breathe:::: I have this problem I've been married for 11 years this November, to the same man, who is a precious gift from God. He is loving, kind, gentle, all the things most of us can only wish for. I don't know how I got so lucky. Anyway, we HAVE two kids, which indicates we've had sex at least twice, right? Actually, it's been more than twice, but duh, huh? Ok, I love this man. He completes me, completely. And I will do anything for him. I want to be with him. Let me say that again, I WANT to be with him. I like the touch of his hands on my skin, the way his lips tremble when he kisses me even on the cheek. Being in love is a wonderful thing.

Here's the problem. When we have sex, I totally check out. I've gotten quite good at it. He thinks I am there. Early on in our relationship, I learned how to fake an orgasm. He has no idea. I've actually never had one, not a real one.

I've recently shared this with my group - it took MONTHS for it to actually come out, but I did it. And they keep telling me that sex is wonderful, and I truly believe them, b/c I like so much else that involves touch between us. But, what if something is wrong with me? I mean, I'm nearly 31. I should know what sexual pleasure is, right?

Someone please respond to this or I am going to FREAK OUT and think I have totally gone off the deep end by posting this. Does anyone else deal with this? What should I do? Is there a book I can get somewhere?

I can help on the good books front, try this link:

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/se...381900-9976630

-x-

Gracey...lets just say you are soooooooooooo brave to talk about this and so if you can I will tell you your not alone....
I too am married and have been for 27 yrs. we have 3 grown young adults as they like to be called....but anyways...**deep breath** In the beginning of our relationship I too faked organism...and I would go somewhere else during the act...that to me is all it is and still is an act... I too have never had an organism...only have one when I ummmm masturbate....*shew* I have never experienced the love you have with your husband...we talk sometimes but most of our marriage I spent alone raising our kids while he worked on our farm.... I have and still have trouble trusting people. espically men..so I will not let myself get close to my husband or anyone because of the fear of abandonment I have....since going into therapy 3 1/2 years ago and more details of my childhood and past have came out and the flashbacks I had and still having....*whew* we have not had sex..... I thought it was because of him being so heavy and his body disgusted me and was a turn off...but my T says it goes deeper then that...my brother was big and heavy when he abused me and so was an uncle...so it brings back big memories....I am afraid of getting close to him because of the fear of him leaving me by having a heart attack or something...but I do not have any trouble being sexually attracted to me T though....sometimes I feel the urge to throw him on the floor and take him....UGH I know I am disgusted...but those are what I am struggling with.....the last year my hubby and I have gone once a week to my T for marriage counseling and it is making a difference...we talk more and spend more time together...but still no sex....no urge to with mt hubby yet....so do not feel like your going off the deep end.....if your going then I already went....I would like a book on it too....but in mean time talking to my T about it openly but it is very hard and I cannot look my T in the face yet....take care

Liquid I tried that link and I did not work and I saw no books....

LOL it was just the search results from "female organism" in amazon.com, from what i saw there were lots of good and fun reads in there! Im thinking from the guys perspective, how would it affect his ego if he were to find out? It would be great if you could get one of these self help books and have that first organism on your own and then one with him, then spill the beans afterwards, tempering his bruised ego with your insight into how good it felt to have one with him! Just one thing, its better to be in love and without an organism then have an organism with somebody you dont love

Hey im not a junior member no more!!!

Gracey,

This is a very real subject. Many women struggle with this just as you do. I know your feeling embarressment but please try to put that aside because it took tremendous courage for you to come forward with this.

There are books out there that you can read on this. There are techniques and such that you can try that will allow you to experience an orgasm. Your not alone. Taking this step here is big. Maybe, just maybe you can find the courage to discuss this with your hubby.


Hugs,

Jen

I just read this. Apparently women don't get the best/any orgasms until they're in their thirties. I've read it in quite a few places.

I wouldn't know thought cause i'm just young :P

i hope that you can find the help and experience an orgasm. i was in my 40s when i had my first one. no one had ever tried to help me before. then i met someone who put me first. hang in there. pat

Um self pleasure then move it or share it to move towards.......the goal WITH him...

Gotta say... I've only read about three of these posts. I was married for 12 yrs to a "man" who never have me any sexual pleasure. Never had... you know...

Just wondering... of those who haven't had the big "C"... were you sexually abused as children? I read where some say they "go somewhere else."

I was sexually abused, but I can't say I ever "went somewhere else" during sex. And I honestly don't believe it was MY fault. When I changed partners after my divorce... well... WOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!

Thought I'd give ya'll something to think about regarding childhood abuse.

You are definately brave for posting this. I have the same problem with checking out during sex. So much so that my sons father and I were together for 5 years before we made it past anything past holding hands and an occasional kiss. What fixed this first problem of getting from the couch to the bed came from a planned parenthood therapist. She said "number one who says you have to make it to the bed (the couch is a fine place) stop trying so hard those that try so hard usually are concentrating on achieving rather than enjoying the moment. At the first sign of shutting down call a stop to all activity, say to the person I need to slow down lets hold hands (or whatever you're comfortable with staying connected to) a bit longer. If he gets an attitude problem then obviously he's doing it for the wrong reasons (to release stress and other power trip type things) so he's not going to be connected to the moment either. There's nothing wrong with his finishing in the bathroom, solo works just as good for stress relief." By this time I was laughing at her picturing her telling her husband to hit the toilet not the floor which is one of her bathroom area complaints about men. anyway then she told me to start out light and easy with a back massage and let things develop from there. Well being a survivor of sexual abuse I didn't expect it to work. It worked the first time. we never made it to the bed and the couch worked out just fine. But then afterwords he asked so did you? I looked at him and said if he had to ask obviously I didnt otherwise he would have felt the muscles contracting. So it was again back to planned parenthood. She asked me if I ever masterbated. Yea right uh huh no way thats gross you name it I said it. She looked at me and said if you don't know what pleases you and what it takes for you to acheive an orgasm by yourself how can you tell your partner how to get you there? YOU MEAN TO TELL ME I HAVE TO TELL HIM WHAT GETS ME THERE IT DOESNT JUST HAPPEN? She laughed. Sometimes it does just happen but that is because the partners know eachothers body language so well that the partner can do those things without being told for the most part a big part of great sex is great communication between partners both verbal and body language. So I figure Im already in this as deep as I can get so I asked her how to Masturbate. She said first I had to learn what feels good to me in non sexual ways. a bath, body lotions, just being held, or laying in the v of some pillows. then after I know these things I can incorporate them into learning about what types of touch movements and so on feel good to me sexually. Since I am my most relaxed and comfortable in the bathtub thats where I should start learning about myself and my body. Once I have achieved a few orgasms on my own then invite my partner into the bathroom with me. It was about a month later when I had that first one and my sons father soon grew to love taking baths and showers together. There are some really great books out there and a great show called Talk sex with Sue that airs on the Oxygen Channel. Sue Johanson is a canadian nurse/sex therapist and she also has a great website. The show and her website profiles books, toys you name it its there and if not email and they will find an answer.

I too am just starting to experience this problem.... but it has not always been an issue, just with in the last year or so of our 23 year relationship together - 20 years married.

Knowing that SEX & SEXUAL PLEASURE is 90% mental and only 10% physical - I have to say that I am now on the verge of becoming anorexic in the bed (for sex), which by the way is a disorder of its own.


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

I think the key to have an orgasim is to learn to relax. a long foreplay session helps with that also

A friend of mine gave me the best gift.

It was personal but I'm glad she took the chance.

A book -- for women abused as children sexually

The survivors guide to sex by Staci Haines 1 800 780 2279