Anxiety

Not sure how to start this. I’m new to this but I’m feeling lost at the moment. I’ve had a ton of health issues in my 35 years and I’m trying to figure out how out of my 2 older sisters, I have all the problems. I guess I should give a quick background (if possible) as to when this all started. In 2004, I was a senior in high school. Was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. All of the very rare side effects that were a possibility from the chemo happened to me. My organs were failing and I was put in ICU. I fought through it and in 2006 was deemed cancer free. Shortly after, I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. Surprisingly, I had the easiest pregnancy and delivery. Cut to 2016, I started losing weight rapidly. I was too scared to go to the doctor for fear of my cancer returning. So I put it off until I was so malnourished that I ended up in the ER because I could barely walk from my legs being so swollen. Found out I had a bacterial infection called Campylobacter, which basically gave me a horrible case of diarrhea. I was also diagnosed with Celiac disease(allergic to gluten) and tachycardia(rapid heart rate). After released from the hospital, my Cardiologist told me he didn’t think I had Celiac disease and told me to continue eating like I was. Huge mistake. He was very wrong. A week after I was out of the hospital, I was rushed back to the ER because I was having severe stomach pain. Turns out I had sepsis and was admitted to the ICU. In the ICU they gave me tons of antibiotics and fluids because I was dehydrated and had blood clots in my legs that traveled to my lung. They also put me on TPN which was supposed to help me get all the nutrients I was missing because of how malnourished I was. Along with the nutrients, it also gave me diabetes. After I was released this time, I followed my gluten free diet and went to the Endocrinologist for my diabetes when they told me my A1C was back to normal. So I stopped my insulin. I wasn’t putting weight on still and about a month later I was back in the hospital. This time for pneumonia, which then turned into both strands of the flu and led to my right lung partially collapsing. I had a chest tube put in. That was my last long stay in the hospital. I still follow a gluten free diet and I do still have diabetes. I’m on an insulin pump. I’ve managed to put on a healthy amount of weight and all was well. January of this year I went to my doctor because I was having a severe panic attack out of nowhere. After a few trips to the ER, I was also diagnosed with anxiety disorder and panic attacks. I recently just found out I’m pregnant. My fiancé had testicular cancer 12 years ago and had to have a testicle removed. We were told he wouldn’t be able to ever have kids. So this is a huge surprise. Just went for my first OBGYN visit with the same midwife who delivered my daughter 14 years ago. Had my Pap smear and an ultrasound is scheduled for next week which I’m already so stressed about. I’m worried they won’t find a heartbeat or it’s an empty sack. Just got a phone call today that my Pap smear came back abnormal for HPV. She said it’s a very tiny amount of abnormality but I still have to get a biopsy after my ultrasound. I feel like I can’t win. There’s always this black cloud over my head. Being pregnant when we were told was not gonna happen should be something we should be ecstatic about but everything is so stressful. I’m already high risk pregnancy because of my health history and because I’m 35. I just don’t understand why, out of my 2 older sisters, do I have so much wrong with me?! I’ve done everything the doctors have told me to do and beyond. I’m at a loss and just wanted to know if anyone else has been through so much or just to vent really. I’m sorry this is so long.

Dear Ash5,

Life has been so terribly unfair to you. What utterly heartbreaking burdens have been placed on you. And it is not only heartbreaking that so many heavy burdens have been placed upon you but also that these burdens have been so serious and so crushingly heavy.

I wish I knew what to say to ease your distress and pain. Hopefully you will find these Forums to be a welcome refuge from the anguish and suffering you experience. These Forums have helped me a lot with my own personal pain.

You are such a heroic person. It is both an honor and a pleasure to meet you.

I wish you only the very best and will be looking forward to reading anything you post here.

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen

Hello Ash: I'm sorry you have had so much difficulty in your life. I too have had cancer. But I didn't suffer anything like all of the things you've had to endure. However, since this is your first post, I thought I would at least leave a brief reply welcoming you to MSF. I hope you find being on the forums to be of benefit.

Thank you all for such kind words. I go today at 3 for my first ultrasound to see how far along I am with my pregnancy and I woke up this morning having a panic attack. I’m so scared that they won’t find a heartbeat or it’ll just be an empty sack. It doesn’t help I’ve been reading too many articles on Google. I haven’t had any alarming symptoms like bleeding or anything. I’m just worried because I thought my 14 year old daughter was going to be my only child. My fiancé had testicular cancer when we first got together and the doctors basically said that he probably wouldn’t be able to have kids after that. We’ve been together 12 years and out of nowhere I’m pregnant?! I think that’s why I’m so scared and anxious. I just feel like I’m prone to getting bad news. I know they say online, because I have a tilted uterus, it might be harder to find a heartbeat at first, especially if I’m earlier than what they think, but I’m praying I get good news today. Please, some happy news for a change. I will let you know how everything turns out. I’m so scared. Thank you all again for hearing me out. I can’t talk to my family about it because I haven’t told anyone yet for fear of something wrong so I appreciate it!!!!

So quick update: I just got back from my ultrasound and everything was great. I was such a wreck from my nerves but I’m 12 weeks and 2 days. I’m due January 4th. I spoke with a doctor and because of my health issues and because I’m 35, I’m high risk but he assured me that there’s no reason to be alarmed. He said my body is doing what it’s supposed to right now. He also said that the only real difference is I’ll be getting a lot more ultrasounds to see the baby which normal pregnancy’s don’t get which is perfectly fine with me. I’m so relieved right now. The ultrasound tech said that even though it’s early she thinks it’s a boy because of what she’s seeing on the screen. She printed out some really good 3D pics for me. Thank you all for all the kindness. I will keep you informed on everything.

how are things going along ??

i too share some similarities with you. i had panic attacks for years, would come out of nowhere and at any time or place. i (we) never did figure them. so it goes....

i too wonder why the bad s**t has to happen to me. i kid you not though, for years i believed it was because i was strong enough to handle it. fast forward 15+ years later, and now that belief as been beaten down and kicked to the curb!
now a days, it does no good to wonder 'why me' so i don't. decades of depression and anxiety have crushed me.

anyways, feel free to post or vent any-time