My house of cards is falling

This will be a pretty long post so please bear with me. I thought about putting this in women's issues because I know part of the problem on my end is that when I get my period my emotions are so out of whack.

I just cannot seem to talk to my 18 year old daughter without it turning into a fight. I don't want to fight with her so lately I've been expressing my opinion and saying "I'm not going to fight with you about this, this is how I feel."

So here's the flair up last night, most of her friends work afternoon shift so they do things very late at night. In the past this has never been a problem because she too worked afternoon shift.

She's been late for work four times this summer. She's always been so responsible that I just don't know how to deal with this behavior. She was late twice for going out with her friends and oversleeping (30/15 minutes late), once when the power went out in the middle of the night (10 minutes late), and another when unannounce road construction made her 5 minute commute 20 because she had to drive 10 miles in the opposite direction to get to the highway and come back (2 minutes late). Granted I may have been late too if I worked earlier on those last two days. It's pretty common for people to be late there, but I don't approve of that behavior at all. So when she came to me last night and said it was a friend's birthday and she was going over there at 10 pm I was not pleased.

I know there are some other issues going on at work for her too. One manager is a witch and when she's having a bad day she takes it out on everyone. You know it's coming so it's expected.

But she's lost a friend she's had for 6 years this summer, the manager that makes the schedule. When she came home from college there were rumors that this girl (married with a baby) was fooling around with another guy that works there. She never believed them, just thought it was small town gossip.

To make a long story short she overheard him talking at a party and texted her friend to let her know that the source of these rumors was the guy himself and that the story wasn't limited to work or even our small town but was all over and it was very likely that her husband was going to find out. He denied this so of course this made her the bad guy and now her former friend has been making her life difficult at work.

I don't want to compound her problems, I just want to be able to have a discussion with her without turning it into a fight.

I care for you so say this with love......

She is eighteen so why should it affect you if she is late for work or not ?

The rest I can understand I too would feel for my child if they lost a good friend as its very very upsetting.

I look on it that at that age they make some choices themselves and learn through the mistakes they make.

Maybe I read it wrong ?

Hugs hugs and more hugs to you and all your family .

I think I care for several reasons. I work there also so it's a bad reflextion on me. Although she has established her own work performance which is how both of her brothers and myself were hired over the phone, so that's good. But I'm also concerned, she seems to be making bad choices and not seeing them.

What it boils down to is this, if you can't get make it to work on time, you shouldn't be going out until all hours of the night. She doesn't seem to care that she's late for work "because everyone else is". This bothers me, is shows a lack of responsibility which troubles me greatly. She wasn't raised this way. I understand that this is a small problem indeed comparitively but it concerns and irritates me.

I know she's at an age that she has to make her own mistakes. Part of it too is an adjustment that she's an adult now, but since we still support her I feel I still have a say in these decision making processes.

Well the lesson you are teaching her in my head is that if you are beholden to someone who supports you then you have to live by their rules too.

That isnt a bad thing to learn I spose.

AAAAA ,, I not a parent peep that raised ,,, [ my child ] sooooooooooo I give ya the talk I wish I was given at an age when it coulda / might have helped me in " what came out my mouth ".

The part about repeating rumors ,, or voiceing an opinion , to same , maybe help your daughter to understand , sometimes it is best to reserve an opinon ,,, and watch and see , and no matter the outcome , try not to judge .

AAAAA , I have always found your way of putting things to me ,, as always with care first . ,, even though It takes a bit for it to sink in ,,, LOL ,.
anyway ,, your teachings and examples that you have set for your children , I for one would have been in such a better mind set ,,If I had been raised by your standards .
Don't give up ... I amsure you will find a way to explain to your daughter the importance of good routines .

Love ,
Corky.
. .

For clarification, she wasn't repeating rumors she was going to the person involved in the rumors. She's young and still at that naive age where since she would like to know if people were saying something about her, she thought she was doing her friend a favor. She was more in shock than anything else at the time. She heard them of course but dismissed them as the a-holes they worked with.

So she went to a party out of town two days after returning home from college. This guy in question was a passing acquaintance that did not recognize her as she's lost about 40 lbs since high school. When she heard him say that the girl was leaving her husband for him, she texted her friend and said "here's where the rumors are coming from, if you want to put a stop to it you better tell him to shut his mouth." Thinking that she was helping her friend solve a problem.

She was very upset about the whole thing (still not knowing the whole story). I told her that she should just stay out of it as people tend to kill the messenger. She figured her friend had a "right" to know. Her friend (and I use the term loosely now) forwarded the text to the man with my daughter's cell phone number attached. He called her ranting first that he wasn't at this party, hadn't been to any parties in months. Then, when he realized she had a lot of information he said she couldn't have possibly known what he said because she didn't know any of the people there, therefore why would she be there. He figured that she had to be getting her information from someone else that was there and wanted to know who it was. Eventually (this guy is not the brightest bulb in the lamp) he figured out who she was and made a stupid comment about the change in her weight and hair color.

(((Wmd))) thanks so much for the vote of confidence. I'm not feeling it right now. She and I seem to be at that awkward stage where communication is not easy. As our dear friend Tishie pointed out, she and I are too much alike.

AAAAA how is your daughter now? I would say that is some crappy friend she has. I mean did have. The thing that gets me about it, is that the other girl already knew that the rumor was going around. Instead she blames your daughter for telling her the source. I agree your daughter should respect your rules because she does live with you. I have a daughter who is 17 and she will be 18 in a few months, and of course she likes to argue, so I do know how you feel. Sometimes when I try to talk to her it's like talking to a brick wall. Then she tries to twist everything I say. Maybe it's just this age.

We haven't really talked about anything important since that night. I know it is very difficult for her to come home and suddenly have a bunch of rules, but that's the way it is. For the last two years, 9 months out of the year she only has to answer to herself.

She is a really good kid and I realize I'm very lucky. But this is still my home and hers for as long as she cares to stay. Whether she's 18 or 38 I still expect her to follow the house rules. But you're probably right, it's the age I think.

As a fairly belligerent teenager lately my input would be that if the teenager doesn't feel listened to or respected then it blows everything out of proportion, and makes things 10 times worse...as well as stress like the friend situation only adds fuel to the fire. Regardless of who's right or wrong in the situation, not feeling listened to or respected is like the automatic switch into super-defensive mode, which in turn makes every word seem like a personal attack, so what you clearly see as trying to care is more likely seen as being controlling. The lessons you are trying to teach instead make said teenager want to go as far away in the complete opposite direction as humanly possible. (or maybe I'm just overly irrational when I'm in super-defensive mode? But then again, who is rational when they are defensive?) I don't know your situation because I'm not there so I can't judge, but that I know this from my experience.

How ironic that you should post from your point of view because we just had the nuclear blast of fights, frankly I don’t know if our relationship will ever recover. BECAUSE she was taking every single thing as a personal attack I made an effort today to adjust my tone of voice so that she would hear what I’m saying and not jump to the defense. So NOW she’s thinks I’m being CONDESCENDING. WTF?!?!?! I cannot win for losing. I’m done. I’ve tried being sympathetic, I’ve tried understanding, I’ve tried civil. Now I’m done. I don’t care WHAT the source of her attitude is anymore, I will not be disrespected in my own house.

I know how you feel AAAAA, it's like your talking to a BRICK WALL.

Yeah, that isn't right, and you shouldn't be disrespected in your own house.
Just...try to keep your cool then while you are giving her a piece of your mind

I think the only thing that can really make her see things your way is if somebody else besides you has a talk with her. (just because I generally figure out things if I don't on my own later then when somebody else who is around my own age is talking to me. And I'm Bullheaded sometimes I'll admit )