[jerrymichele]

I am really ashamed to admit this, but maybe some of you might have some good advice to help me with this issue. My daughter lives with her father, well I should say use to. Anyways this year 2009 she has ran away twice. Been on drugs. ( she tells me now she isn't on them, but who knows) Quit school. (which I'm so,so pissed about!!) Now she has this bf that she had a one night stand with, and somehow now they are living with his parents. The bf is 19 and my daughter is 17. She won't tell me where she is, but she does text me. I've talked to her dad, and he's just plain out sick of her bs. He has other kids in the house, and which is true that she is a bad influence on them. She gets mad at me at me because I really can't stand the bf. How else am I suppost to feel when she had a one night stand with him. Known him for 2 months, and now living with him. Neither one of them have a job, and how on earth can his mother just let my daughter live with him. Last night she told me that the bf stepdad told them that the first one who gets a job gets $20.00, and I need to add that the mother told my daughter she needs to go back to school, and my daughter is gun hoe wanting to go for her. I'm thinking to myself these so called parents need to send my daughter home. Her dad isn't speaking to her, and she blames that all on him. He's trying to leave her alone so that maybe she will come back, but then her grandma knows where she is at, and won't even say anything about it. I have tried,tried, and still trying. I'm lost, and I'm running out of options on what to do next. You know I'm so angry about this that if I ever run into the bf,mother,and the stepdad I could just walk up to them, and beat the tar out of each on of them.

They dont sound too bad to me, they are trying to get them to work or even go back to school.

Your daughter was half the reason they had a one night stand so you cant just hate him and not her it really dont make sense.

At least she is in contact with you via text that gives you somthing to build on.

I would keep quiet about any nasty feelings you have for the mum dad and boyfriend to her as that will just push her further away.

I would also try to tone down my anger as that really isnt helping anyone.

[jerrymichele]

Originally Posted by Tishie

They dont sound too bad to me, they are trying to get them to work or even go back to school.

Your daughter was half the reason they had a one night stand so you cant just hate him and not her it really dont make sense.

At least she is in contact with you via text that gives you somthing to build on.

I would keep quiet about any nasty feelings you have for the mum dad and boyfriend to her as that will just push her further away.

I would also try to tone down my anger as that really isnt helping anyone.

I do blame her to. I don't vent to her about this, that is why I'm doing it on here. The point I'm trying to make is the parents should send her home. This boy has been into trouble already. Asult, and drugs which he's getting ready to go to court for. Even though my daughter is just as guilty with being bad, she still has a clean record, and she needs help. I got on to my space the other day to check my daughters myspace, and long and behold the bf is posing with a shot gun in his hands. She told me that the parents gave him the gun. I'm thinking to myself why on earth would you possible give your child a gun when he has a drug problem, and he has an asult charge against him already. I'm just so upset about it. She might be 17, but she is still my baby.

I know hun I have a son in a bad place and my heart goes out to you but you cant force the issue its just be nice to her and keep the door open for her.

[Rhapsody]

As mother I totally agree with you about wanting her home..... but as a teenage girl that left home at 15 years old I have to wonder why your daughter felt the need to leave in the first place.

I ask this because I know I had a good reason to leave home (well, many good reasons)... what are your daughters reasons?

((( HUGS )))

[jerrymichele]

Originally Posted by Rhapsody

As mother I totally agree with you about wanting her home..... but as a teenage girl that left home at 15 years old I have to wonder why your daughter felt the need to leave in the first place.

I ask this because I know I had a good reason to leave home (well, many good reasons)... what are your daughters reasons?

((( HUGS )))

I think that a lot of it has to do with her dad. This is what she's telling me anyways. She had this other bf, and my ex wouldn't let them see each other after the fact that she got caught with the boy in her room. You know at one time she was doing really well in school. When she was doing good her dad wouldn't let her have that much freedom. You know if something she didn't like she would tell the both of us about it, and you could trust her. I did anyways, but I'm not so sure about her dad. Well after this other bf, she completely changed when her dad would not allow her to be with him. She was really depressed about him. I don't know what happened (because she was sneaking to see him) to their relationship, but they broke up. After that all happen she was still depressed, and finally my ex took her to a therapist. From what they told me I guess my daughter thought it was a joke. Well I ended up having her for a short amount of time, and I took her to my PDOC because I have anxiety, and she also has it to from what my PDOC told me. I was going to have her treated and she just ended up leaving. My Dr. did tell me that young people tend to act out their anxiety with anger. And she is always angry. She has been telling me that she just wants to be on her own. I would like to add that when she was with me all I ever heard come out of her mouth was that she wanted to get high. Her dad also put her out and before she came with me she was living at her grandma's house and there is a cousin over there who my daughter was sneaking off with. This cousin is 18 and she goes out and gets high and this and that, and this is how my daughter meet her bf now. I did tell her today when she texted me that I was proud of her for getting a job, because she did tell me that. Hopefully she will finish school. You know her dad should have left her with the other boy, because he has graduated,working, and he's going to college. I don't approve of them sneaking in her dad's house, (that was just plain out wrong) but at least he has something going for him. I can't say that about this boy. One night she told me he was off doing cocaine, but now she tells me that they don't do drugs. I can't help it I'm so upset about it.

[Rhapsody]

Fathers.... they try their best to protect their little girls from growing up and all the while their little girl grows up with out them. (we cant stop what nature starts)

If you don't mind me asking... What kind of relationship do you have with your daughter (and) Why did she feel the need to move in with her father in the first place?

Just trying to learn as much as I can about all the relationships involved here so I can give the best possible advice.

[jerrymichele]

Well all 3 of my kids live with their dad because when we were going threw our divorce I couldn't take care of them. I tried to get them back, and still try to get them back, but it's a no go. My ex can not stand me. I have tried to do everything possible to avoid conflict with him. You know I don't say anything degrading about him to my kids, but he does this with me. So has my ex's in laws. I think that my daughter disrespects me because of this. One time she was just upset, and called me a worthless b**ch, because I was just trying to clam her down when she was upset with her grandma. She's hung up on me, and her friends that I have spoke to tell me that she tells them some very mean things about me, and then her friends tell me that I'm nothing like my daughter has said. I'm part responsible to. I'm not going to sit here and act like I'm prefect because I'm not. I did take her to my PDOC and my Dr. told me that kids with anxiety(my Dr. said she has this) act out in anger. She did come to live with about a month and a half ago, and that bf she has now, along with her cousin who also wanted her there made a major influence on her decision to live with me. Well it could be because of the drug use. My daughter tells me she isn't on them now, but you can't believe everything she says. She also told me that she has a job now, but I would need to see in order to believe it. This year here has been diffucult for everyone including her. When she texts me I don't say anything negative to her. I just ask a lot of questions about what she does everyday, and try to make some suggestions about school and work. I just say positive things to her. You know I'm doing everything possible that I can do. I just feel like I'm in a no win situtation.

[Rhapsody]

I have to say that it is probably best for your daughter to remain where she is at the moment if the family she is staying with is truly trying to help her get her life straighten out.... the less chaos your daughter has to deal with right now may indeed give her the time she needs to think things through... after the mental stress of family life has calmed down.

Wanted YOU to know:
That I am truly sorry for all the pain you are going through and my hearts feels for you as a mother.... ((( hugs ))).

[AAAAA]

Wow, I cannot even imagine the frustration that you must be feeling! How close is she to her 18th birthday? I think your anger is misplaced though, you should be angry with your daughter. You have no idea what line of BS she's feeding this guy's parents. If she was a bit younger I would contact the police and report her as a runaway. I can understand why she won't return to her father's but why won't she move into your place?

[jerrymichele]

Originally Posted by AAAAA

Wow, I cannot even imagine the frustration that you must be feeling! How close is she to her 18th birthday? I think your anger is misplaced though, you should be angry with your daughter. You have no idea what line of BS she's feeding this guy's parents. If she was a bit younger I would contact the police and report her as a runaway. I can understand why she won't return to her father's but why won't she move into your place?

AAAAA I did report this to the police. They even went to his house. The police called me back and said that he said when "THE POLICE" find her to come back, and let him know. (I had the police go to this one house to see if she was there, and her dad's house, and grandma's) She was going to live with me, but we had a fall out because I told her that she was going to get a job, and finish school. I don't think that is unreasonable. I told her that I don't like who she's been running with, and that she needs to start pulling it together. I do blame her. I know that she feeds everyone she knows a line of bs. Like the other day when I texted her I asked her to give the phone # to the parents house. Her response was I'm not allowed to give the phone # out. I then told her that I don't really think that they would have a problem me calling you seeing how I'm your mom. She then told me "Mom please they told me I can't give their # out". So I told her that if she wants to talk silly to someone don't do it to me, because I'm not buying it. I do think that she has feed the bf's parents a line of crap also. My thinking is common sense should say something to them. I know that if some kid that was a gf/bf came to my house and told me some story about the parents of the gf/bf, I would look into it. Then I wouldn't let them live with my sons or daughter. I also know that the parents take them to my daughters grandma's house. I'm just saying that they should know that 2 and 2 don't add up. That bf of her's is screwed up to. They both are. She exspects me to like a bf who does dope,asults people, and models holding a gun, and going to court soon over these charges that the parents do know about. I'm mad about the entire situation. As far as the bf he knows that I want her home, and he has just tottaly disrespected me just like my daughter.

[AAAAA]

I'm so sorry, you're living a parent's worst nightmare. I suspect your daughter figured out much too young that there really is very little that you can do as a parent to stop her. My initial reaction is being horrified by what you must be going through, but if your daughter is manipulative who knows what's true and what's for attention. It sounds very much like she's playing both sides against the middle. Perhaps the bf's parents will tire of her behavior and give her the boot.

Some friends of mine went through a similiar thing with their oldest daughter. She was a bit younger, 16, and since the police were unable to help her (which is another discussion entirely) she actually went through the process of making her daughter a ward of the state. The girl's boyfriend was in his 40's housing her. We live right on the state line and he lived in a neighboring state with the age of concent being 16. Once the girl became a ward of the state it was a different situation altogether. This was a very expensive, exhausting, time consuming process and it expired on her 18th birthday, but my friends were at their wits end. In this situation not only are you dealing with a time constraint, what are the odds that your ex will co-operate?

I don't think any of your demands were unreasonable. I'm sorry that I don't have any savvy wisdom to share here, I hope your daughter comes to her senses sooner rather than later.

[jerrymichele]

Thanks AAAAA. OMG your friend must have went threw a nightmare with her daughter. What happened to the daughter after your friend awarded her to the state? Is the daughter still with this man? How is your friend's relationship with the daughter now? You know I can't figure out why a 40 year old man would want a girl that young. I would have tried for rape. Well your friend probably tried to, and was getting the run around with the police. That is one sick man.

[AAAAA]

She did try for statutory rape and kidnapping including taking a minor over the state line. When the MI police took it all with a grain of salt (there is a huge difference in the laws between MI and WI), that is when she began the ward process. Once the girl became a ward of the state, the MI police took it more seriously because it was the girl's social worker that was filing the complaints.

Their relationship is somewhat better now, because my friend realizes there is really nothing she can do the girl is now in her early 20s and dating men her own age (step in the right direction imo). The 40 year old was one of those creeps that attend all of the teen parties etc. I don't believe she ever graduated from school. While the state can make sure she attends they can't make her do any of the work required. She was working before the severe economic downturn.

What surprised me the most about the situation is that once the girl became a ward of the state, my friends had to continue to support her financially (which is only right imo) but the people complaining about how much child support they have to pay when another parent has custody would have fainted at this bill. She was in the system about 2 years and they paid over 30K (this did include lawyers fees).

[jerrymichele]

Update!!!! My daughter broke up with the bf. Yahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm so, so happy about it. She is also working and planing on going back to school. Finally she is starting to move in the right direction.

[AAAAA]

Awesome news. Perhaps that cloud had a silver lining!