Motivate adult child to be independent

I have been trying to motivate my adult (32 yr.old) son to find a better job/career inorder to be able to support himself and become independant. After high school he got an Associate's degree at a community college, but never did anything with this. Instead, he has always worked nights, parttime (3-4 days a wk.), cooking or bartending in local bar/restaurants. He has been living in the "rental" house next door to me for the past 13 years. He pays no rent, electric or water. I bought his car for him and pay his car insurance. When he isn't working, he is at home, alone, playing games online and drinking beer & Wild Turkey. He doesn't seem to have many, if any, friends. He has no social life. He doesn't seem to have any motivation to do anything other than what he is doing now.
I have told him that I would pay for school if he wants to return. I have also told him ,if he can find a better job / career in a different town - anywhere - I would help him relocate, or even move with him, (although he would have is own apartment and pay his own bills then.)

I realize now that I enabled this situation, although at the time it started, about the time he started Comm. College, (1996), I felt it was a good choice. (But I wasn't in any position to make good choices at that time.) In 1996 my brother committed suicide; 6 months later my mother died from cancer, and 2 months after that my Dad committed suicide. I was very depressed and in shock for many years. This is when we moved to our current homes, and when my son lost his motivation. Then my husband of 14 yrs left me and this added to my problems. I'm sure my son suffered from depression from this all too.

Also complicating my son's mental state could be an issue with abandonment by every male influence in his life. His father left when he was 3 and has only contacted him once since then. My brother lived with us off and on for 10 yrs just before his suicide. My Dad committed suicide. My husband (my son's stepfather) left us. He had very close relationships with all of these men. And then I'm sure seeing me so depressed for so long had an impact on him too. He does not want to see a mental health counselor. What can I do as a mother to help motivate him?

I wish I had the answers. I hope somebody else will post something that can help both of us.

I too am struggling to raise my son to be independent but nothing is working. He is twenty years old and still in high school. If he doesn't graduate this year he will be too old to return to school after that. My son has issues too. He has ADHD and bipolar and a big time sleep disorder. He also has a learning disability in written language but he is gifted in math and is a bright boy with an IQ of 130.

My son's biological father is a very poor father. We divorced when my son was a year old because he was abusive to me and for four years he never asked to see his son until I got an attorney to help me collect the child support he wasn't paying. His mother started bringing my son to house on occasions and asking his father to come there to try to build a relationship but it failed. When my son was a teenager his father told him that he couldn't wait until he turned eighteen and he didn't have to have anything to do with him anymore. For several years during his teen years my son talked about his fantasies to kill his father.

When my son was two and a half years old I met a man and we started a relationship and lived together for nine years. We had gone to the county office to apply for a marriage license but just never did get married. For the first seven years my boyfriend was a loving step-dad and he and I had a healthy intimate relationship. But then he met a guy who was trafficking drugs from CA to WV. I knew that but I thought it was just weed. What I didn't realize at that time was that this fellow was giving my BF meth to work on his four wheeler and ride on our farm and stuff. My BF went loco and became very violent. I didn't understand at that time why and just wanted things to go back to good again. But he repeatedly assaulted me and I don't know how many times I thought my death was imminent as held guns to my head and chest. After awhile I started filing assault charges and got a protective order. But his brother was an attorney so every time he went to jail he was out in twelve hours and then he was madder than ever. Things got worse and worse and finally he came to my house and assaulted me again and told me he was going to kill us both. Our friends had been telling me that he told them he intended to kill me so I believed him. All I could think of was how sad that my eleven year old son would grow up without a mother. When I finally had the opportunity to get my gun I decided either he was going to die or we both were going to die so I shot and killed him. After that I was emotionally unavailable to my son for years. My son was never assaulted but he heard things and he told me he used to hide in rooms in the house because he was frightened and didn't know what to do. So I know that this has affected him.

Anyway that is pretty much the background story. Despite his learning disability my son loved school and did well in all classes except English but I did have to be an advocate to ensure that the teachers actually followed the modifications on his IEP. But after my trauma I was unable to advocate and when he got to high school the teachers failed to modify his assignments and instead he was told to do assignments in written form. He began failing and after a couple of years of this he no longer liked school and his attendance became very poor. In the last two years I have been able to advocate for him again but despite meeting with teachers who said he was ahead of everyone else and me saying I want to know if he begins to have problems the teachers did not tell me he had begun to fail classes until a week before end of semester. I have talked to principal, counselor, superintendent and they all acknowledge that the school was negligent and in violation of disability act but yet nobody ever saw that the assignments were modified.

So now he received a phone call last week from a counselor saying that because he had failed classes he was no longer eligible to attend regular school but could take summer school, internet classes or evening classes. I talked to the principal last week and said what I wanted most was for him to be returned to computer drafting at the technical center. He didn't know if he could so told me to call which I did but as yet have no answer.

My son has pretty much given up. He plays video games for hours and talks online/phone with friends but seldoms sees people in person. I asked him a couple of years ago what his expectations were and he said he saw himself going down, down, down until he finally kills himself.

I honestly don't know how to help him.

Gosh, after reading both your posts I am seeing this could be my sons future also. Although my situation is slightly different. I have an 17 yr old son who suffers from depression and is on prozac. I am still married in an OK relationship. My son is an only child. He has had everything done for him and never gone without, so it was difficult for me to understand why he was depressed. He tends to be a loner- brought about by school bullying. He spends far too much time on the internet as these are the only friends he has. The school has just informed us that he has failed the HSC.
It is a dilemma - do we let him repeat the final year which is very expensive - and have the chance that all this will make no difference as he may just fail again? Do we make him get a job and face the 'real world'? But then how will he get a job without qualifications or experience? Many of the really basic courses require the HSC.
I am beginning to think that the more you try to do things for them, the worse it is. At some stage they are adult (aged 18) and their lives are then their responsibility. Even though you are their parent/s there is only so much you can do for them. It's like when they learn to ride a bicycle without the training wheels - at some stage you have to let go . They may crash, but it's the only way they learn. It's difficult to watch them when they hurt themselves, but it's something that they have to experience in order to develope. It's sometimes the thing they need to snap them into reality.
Even saying this, I still am unsure of my sons future - should I be worried? I can fully sympathize with you guys. As a mum you are always worried about their wellbeing.
Why does life have to be so hard?

Lisa

Have you tried talking to him? He’s 32 years old. Express your concerns and your fears. Avoiding the topic doesn’t make it go away. Sometimes tough love is the only way he’ll seek help for himself. The only way he’ll be able to make positive changes in his life is if he wants to. Sometimes the hardest thing we have to do as parents is cut them loose and make them responsible for their own life.

Right now he doesn’t have to worry about not making ends meet financially because you’re there picking up the pieces for him. Enabling is exactly the right word. Perhaps you should think about seeing a therapist to develop healthy ways to help him without being a crutch for him. Make seeing the family therapist a condition of your continued. Let him that you love him, that he will always have your unconditional love but you have fears about his future and you won’t be here forever.

As cruel as this may sound, why not stop giving him some of the luxuries? If you give him the luxuries then he has no need to obtain them on his own because they're provided for him. But if you give him some nudges by cutting some luxuries, then he'll get the idea that he has to get them himself. Don't drop him right away as that'd be hard for anyone to get up from so only cut off some luxuries, starting with the least harmful ones to be cut off.

In addition, you could get him a therapist if needed but don't try to make it seem that you won't stop loving him and such.

I don't see any other alternative because no matter how much you talk to him, at the end of the day, you're still giving him the luxuries. Even if you do get through to him, he knows that he can simply take the easy route. But if you start cutting off some of the luxuries, then the easy route isn't looking so easy and gradually he'll see that living off of you won't be enough.

You could also try to help him find ways to obtain the luxuries without you providing them for him just so he knows a) you're there for him (emotionally), b) you're there slightly for him (financially) and c) you know that he's finding and engaging in appropriate means to obtain the luxuries.

I agree with A. A T could be very helpful for you, especially in learning how to not enable him so much. My parents always made it clear that I could always live at home, but I wouldn't want to. Their agreement, I would be provided:
Shelter: a tiny trailer out back; I would be responsible for emptying it's sewer tank, heat would not necessarily be provided although they'd make sure I had enough blankets to not freeze to death.
Food: Rice and Beans and occasionally fruit and veggies
Laundry: Once a week I would be able to come in and do laundry.
These were all provided if I chose not to work.

If I worked I would be allowed to live inside if I paid rent and contributed to buying groceries and cleaning the house... else the trailer was always an option. Also, rent would be about half price of what it would normally be so I could save up for my own apartment.

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Originally Posted by lfshadow I have been trying to motivate my adult (32 yr.old) son to find a better job/career inorder to be able to support himself and become independant. After high school he got an Associate's degree at a community college, but never did anything with this. Instead, he has always worked nights, parttime (3-4 days a wk.), cooking or bartending in local bar/restaurants. He has been living in the "rental" house next door to me for the past 13 years. He pays no rent, electric or water. I bought his car for him and pay his car insurance. When he isn't working, he is at home, alone, playing games online and drinking beer & Wild Turkey. He doesn't seem to have many, if any, friends. He has no social life. He doesn't seem to have any motivation to do anything other than what he is doing now.

Dear Ifshadow,

Something struck me as I was reading your post. I know that your mother passed away from cancer and you have also had several tragic deaths in your immediate family in the past. I am truly sorry for these losses and I hope you have found some peace in all your sorrow.

Although the depression that you describe has occurred following difficulties in the family, I can't but help wondering if mental illness doesn't run in your family. The reason I am asking is because it does run in my family.

You see, back in 1985, I was first hospitalized and diagnosed with major depression. I had another hospitalization in 1987 and they added the term "recurrent" to the diagnosis. After that second hospitalization, my mother and I began asking questions of my father's family. It just so happens that a week after I was discharged from the hospital in 1987, my father's brother committed suicide. He lived far away from us and my father hadn't been in touch with him for a long time. My mother talked a lot with my father's sisters and found out that my grandmother (my father's mother) had suffered for years from serious depression back in the 1930's, 40's and 50's. She was frequently institutionalized. Two of her brothers had killed themselves. Also, one of my father's sisters had depression all her life. And one of my cousins is schizophrenic. Now, my brother's youngest son has Touret's, is bipoler. has OCD, ADD and I can't remember what else. I was finally correctly diagnosed about 5 years ago as bipolar.

What I'm getting at is your son might have a mental illness, such as depression or bipolar depression and might be self-medicating with alcohol. Has he ever been evaluated? Would he be in favor of doing so?

If it happens that he does have depression or bipolar depression, medication could make a huge difference in his life. I think it would be worth at least finding out if he would be willing to be evaluated.