*15-year old Sophomore* won't listen to ANYTHING

Hello all...I know I am not the "father" or "mother" and I will try to not write too long but I have to vent about this as my mom is trying to figure out what to do and he asked me to come on here to post after I suggested it to her...

Quick background:

1) Parents divorced: Jan. 2005 (two siblings, I am 25, an he is 15)
2) Father's side of the family has neurological disorders (OCD and OCPD rampant in the family...I have OCD for example but thank god I got the loving side from my mom still)
3) My brother lives with my mom and is "supposed" to spend time with my dad but he hasn't much as I will explain below.

Ok....my brother...he used to be so loving and caring and in the last couple of years he started to form (as what I see) two personalities. It used to be at first mostly his loving side was out (65-70% of the time)....then it became worse and worse over the years (became 50-50) but in the last few months he is "growing up" it seems to be 99% of the time...

Now, he has become the most vindictive and evil thing around. He can say "I hate you" and truly means it....I mean I know that when we were all young we said things we did not mean but the difference is I would say "i'm sorry" 10 minutes later and never stayed vindictive. He also doesn't know how to be smart and vindictive. He literally doesn't think 5-minutes ahead or planning to try to get things in advance....my mom has done so much for him and makes the best food etc and takes care of him with his tutor...guitar.....and anything else that he may seems to "want" but he goes on to say "how disgusting" the food is or tries to manipulate her (doesn't really work) by saying "you don't care about me" or "you haven't done anything for me" but then 5-minutes later he will say "i'm sorry" because he wanted to go out and buy a t-shirt....all he thinks about is himself and what may benefit him (it seems compulsively rather than planning for the future) and he thinks everything in the world revolves around him and that he is higher and more "high class" than everyone but the only friends he seems to have are his "XBOX Live Friends" or "World of Warcraft friends".....it is ridiculous.

Now his thing is going to this one school which would take my mom 30-minutes to drive everyday 1-way (so over an hour of commute total each day) and he seems to not be giving up. My mother is 50-years old and he is 15 and he has been stressing the hell out of her the last month and she seems to not know what to do. To make things worse, my father who really hasn't been there because he thinks that everything that has happened that he is the victim (he has a major headcase of OCPD and of course in denia), and even though he hasn't paid child support or anything like that....my dad slowly by ignoring him (and my brother wasn't close to him much) I did feel he started to slowly change but now that my brother thinks he can get a car out of him he is kissing his but and even being vindictive saying "he doesn't eat good fruits" when all my mother does is try to get him to eat it to make my dad "feel sorry" for him and has made him worse than ever....

This scares the hell out of me because people with this type of personality trait often have miserable lives or do violent acts (even though he hasn't shown any massive signs of violence yet) but this is scary how he is and his mentality is and how my father because of his sickness is feeding into this ego of his..

Anyways...my question and critical point is that he won't give up to death about going to this other school and it has been driving my mom crazy and full of stress. He first told me (before I stopped talking to him because how evil and vindictive he was) that he wanted to go to this other school because of this girl...I told him about the rule of scarcity and that based on my experience if he tries to force something and go just because of her he will end up having a higher chance of getting rejected (my brother has not had a gf yet) and it will not make him happy regardless...he then says because most of his friends go to this other school....and that he is so much "higher and low-class" than everyone else at his school...

To make matters worse....my dad is playing games w/him and my brother is feeding his ego and my dad just is sometimes a vindictive person too...and my mom asked some of her friends and they thought "to give in" to him b.c. of his school and her lawyer said "maybe give him a deadline and say after xmas she might let him" but I told her that what I feel is for him not to grow up thinking he can simply get everything and be "king of the world" and that if she lets him go there it will feed even more to his ego and make it worse for his life....

So....what y'all think? Again...sorry for the extremely long message but I wanted to explain in a bit of detail exactly what some of the situation is that is going on...thx again!

Not quite sure wh@t to s@y. Is your mother @sking you to post this bec@use she is not comfort@ble with computers/on-line communities?

It sounds @s though folks @re trying to m@nipul@te the d@d which just won't work.

I don't know the re@son the p@rticul@r school is desir@ble so c@n't respond to th@t.

When my son w@s between the @ges of 14-18 he w@s @ terror. He w@s in @ psychi@tric three times @nd I tried to get him into @ long term c@re f@cility bec@use I did not know how to de@l with his @gression.

When he w@s 18 I w@s feeling depressed & he kept going on s@ying F*** you, F*** you. I w@nted to sm@ck him but knew th@t he would not le@rn @nything from th@t & I would go to j@il for @ss@ult. So I drove my c@r for @ couple of hours in the middle of the night to get @w@y from him @nd the next d@y I checked myself into @ psych hosp so I would not hurt him. I decided it w@s time for tough love @nd c@me home with @ contr@ct.

This is wh@t my contr@ct s@ys:

1. I @m the boss. @LW@YS.

2. You don't h@ve to @ppreci@te me but you will respect me or you will le@ve. Cursing/yelling @t me will NOT be toler@ted.

<edit for brevity>

8. Thre@tening h@rm to persons or property will result in @ c@ll to 911 & @ ch@rge of @ss@ult.

We both signed the contr@ct. He tested me for @ few weeks @nd he lost privileges to the consequence box.

Two ye@rs l@ter he is no longer defi@nt & rude. When I g@ve the contr@ct to my son 2 ye@rs @go I told him he w@s welcome to live here if he would respect me but if not he must le@ve immedi@tely & since he h@d no job, no c@r, no driver's license he would h@ve to go to @ homeless shelter, live on the streets, live with his d@d, join the @rmy, et ceter@

Good luck

If there is a history of mental illness in your family it might be a good idead to have your brother see a pdoc. I would see what the Dr. would say, and go from there. He also could be acting out with your parents divorce. I still think that your mom should have rules for him to follow. If she really doesn't want him going to that school that your talking about then she has every right to take him out. I wouldn't ask him, I would tell him this is how this is going to be. If he acts out after she tells him no to something then she needs to discipline him. I would take away the thing that he loves the most, and he would have no tv, phone etc. etc. and he would work around the house. Kids need discipline.

ty...anymore input would be appreciated...

Your brother is a brat.

The definition of a brat is a child who is manipulative and has been emotionally neglected, has not had limits placed and enforced upon him, has learned that his feelings and wishes are the only ones that matter, wants anything and everything handed to him, and has an intrinsic fear that no one really loves him because his parents (or guardians) were caught up in their own affairs and did not have the time to devote to him in order to make him feel secure in his family environment.

Somewhere along the line when your parents were trying to put their own lives in order, your brother got swept to the side. I'm not saying that this is an excuse for the way he is. It is an explanation. He needs boundries set and enforced. He needs to have limits placed upon what he can demand of his parents and what he expects to be simply laid in his lap. He has developed this personality because he was not getting the emotional support that he needed so he started demanding it in the wrong ways.

He is very disrespectful to his mother and his father. He doesn't have healthy social relationships. Video game relationships don't count. Some of what Yoda recommended wouldn't be bad. At the very least, he needs rules. And they must, without an exception, be enforced.

After his attitude is subjected to a little humility, perhaps spending more time with him will help. He will begin to realize that he is cared about. When I took my ex-husband's 17 year old daughter into our home to live because her mother and her couldn't get along, we had rules and I didn't lie to her and tell her they were for her own good. I told her they were for me because I had a one year old to take care of and I wasn't going to be wondering where she was all the time. She obeyed them without complaint. She appreciated the fact that I respected her as a person, which was better than her mother who thought it was ok to slap her in the face when they argued.

I hope your mother gets a little help with some of the things we've offered here. Good luck to you both.

A family history of psychopathology does increase the chances that the child will also experience psychopathology, however, it is not a guaruntee.

The 15-year old you're mentioning, when I read through the post I didn't see much of him realizing that his actions don't have consequences he has to face and that if he asks for something, he gets whatever that something is.

From the post, yes I would say that what's been going on has been feeding and possibly constructed his ego to be as it is and since the past has basically brought him whatever he wanted, then why should the future be any different from his view? From your view and other people's views it possibly should be different, however, try to consider it from his view because if you're going to try to figure someone out and help them (and in turn help your mother out), you're going to need to try to view the situation from his view. This doesn't mean that you'll have to act like him, it simply means assess the situation from his view, see how he may react from his view and try to see what you think should happen down the road. I'm sometimes bad with wording for this, so the idea is to shift views from viewing it from your view, your brother's view, your mother's view, father's view and whoever else, AND then view it from a more zoomed out view and see how you may be able to make him act less "evil".

Since he is 15, his personality is somewhat formed and although it can indeed be changed, it's going to need considerable effort from everyone's part. If you do your part, then you have to ensure that the others do their part because when you attempt to behave differently towards him, his reactions will be felt by you and others.

As for him, the simple answer is don't feed his ego. Don't give him everything he wants, don't give him immense attention, etc... . The issue though is to not go too far and completely neglect him and deprive him of basic essentials. The basic analogy would be that he's a roaring forest fire and you've got to contain him. When you try, you'll probably get burned and the more you try, the more you'll get burned, however, when you keep enforcing the boundaries and everything else, you'll stop getting burned and with less and less oxygen (i.e. supply), the fire will diminish.

However, with what I mentioned above, be flexible. While enforcing the boundaries, don't be a drill sergent but rather be with him, give him some interaction that's healthier. You have to be a combination of a drill sergent and a kind nun.

Thank you so much for your insightful feedback. I have shown my mother these and it is just very difficult as things have even worsened. When my mom told him that there are rules....he says "I don't go by rules, I make the rules". He has said evil things like "I hate you, I hope you die" to me (not my mother) but has told my mother that she doesn't care about him because he won't allow him to go to the other school. He also has been in some kind of cahoots with my dad (I don't know if my dad is trying to manipulate him and promise him a car or something) but my little brother is no longer my lil brother...he has become a vindictive and evil person to not only me, but my mother. Me and my brother have always had a pretty good relationship...sure we butted heads together but at the end of the day we had undying love for each other....right now when he says "I hate you I hope you die"....I can see it in him that he really means it or feels he means it..
and this has torn my mother because she is worried if she gives up custody for him to go live with my dad (my dad has a sickness in which he has to always make her suffer because I believe he is miserable with his own life) and that when my brother goes to the other school and lives with my dad (who doesn't come home until night and whom his witch wife is supposed to pick him up from school 2-hours after school ends if he ends up living with him) that he might resort to drugs like marijuana (he has never done it yet I don't believe..). That is what is very hard for my mother to decide what to do...

I know he can't get his way. If he goes over there he will see that my dad has rules stricter than anything and he has lived with my mom since the divorce and has been getting what he wants (and my mom tried to shelter him because of the divorce) and of course I was the 1st child (he is my only brother) and rules were not as stringent on him compared to me...but the point I am making and am emphasizing is that the environment he will go to is very negative. When I call her a witch it is out of not being objective (my dad cheated on my mom with his new wife starting the breakup even though my mom was willing to keep things together for the kids but he didn't want to and i swear to god this lady is so ugly she looks like a man and my mom is 50 and beautiful and looks so young for her age) and on top of it...before (a year and a half ago) I got kicked in the head and arrested for "resisting arrest" for not giving my cell phone literally to the police in my dad's garage (cop thought we were "snobby rich kids" and even threatened my little bro at the time) and the reason I had even come back to the house because my lil bro had called me crying b.c. my dad had hit him at the time causing his mouth to bleed...but anyways...I know it is a twisted dilemma but I am afraid that if he does not change now or be in the situation for him to see reality....he can and is on the verge of being a sociopath and god knows that is not good...

Thanks again and of course further input would always be appreciated. Thanks again everyone my mom says thank you too.

I personally know Strange91 and have witness what is on-going in the household. I am not the one to get into this family feud, but I really feel sorry for the mom because the situation is far more worse than how Strange91 explains it. It seems that anyone that has the affection of his mom, which is Strange91; the little brother acts out. As an example when the mom leaves out for errands, the little brother will say cruel things to this big brother Strange91 such as "I hate you", "You’re going to die". The little brother will make statements like this at least 10 times a day. It has gotten to the point that the little brother is making idle threats against his big brother’s life such as "Before I die, I'm going to kill you.", "You will bleed like a pig", and "I have the day mark down when I'm going to kill you" just to name a few of the threats. He even tried to fight Strange91 and when Strange91 told me to call the police, that’s when the little brother settled down. The little brother seems to think since he is a kid if the police is called on him he will not go to jail for making threat and violence because he is 15.

When the mother arrives home, I notice that the mom does not like to deal with the stress and altogether try to avoid the problem knowing that her son needs help. She is aware that the little brother is making threats but refuses to confront the problem head on. She does not get any child support she told me that she cannot afford to bring her son to a doctor to get the help that he needs. She yells at Strange91 and the little brother because of the commotions and goes to her room or talk to one of her friends over the phone.

This is just a few of the things I have seen this that household (not including the situation with the dad). I really feel for the mom because the mom is “really sweet” and sacrificed so much for her son to have the necessities plus more, but what can she do if her son is so defiant and yes I overheard the little brother tell his mom before "I'm bigger than you, I can hurt you".

Most of the little brother’s day consist of playing World of Warcraft and violent video games for most of the day with a little bit of homework. When he is not playing video games he is worrying his mother half to death about transferring to another school because he needs to be at a school with kids are at a higher economic class than the school he does to. It has gotten to the point where the mother is now leaning toward letting the little brother's dad take temporary custody of him so that he can go to that school and he will maybe understand what true love and her sacrifice means.

What can you do if talking does not work and he is at that age to where he has decided that he will not listen to her or demands to her every day that he needs to change different schools and she is going to do it because he says so.

Any suggestions?

In most states, there are laws that will apply if 1) big brother strikes little brother he can be charged with assault; 2) little brother strikes big brother, not sure if he could be charged with anything unless parent requests it or there is an unbiased witness *might have to consult juvenile authorities on that*; 3) little brother strikes mother, little brother can be arrested and taken to juvenile court. The threats and discord need to stop. This child (yes, I mean the 15 year old) has to be brought under control. I see it going nowhere but downhill until things really get out of hand. It makes no sense to even have the 15 year old there if the mother is going to hide in her room all the time.

Does the 15 year old behave in the same disrespectful and insolant manner when in a one on one situation with the mother?

In the past the little brother was more respectful and would listen more to his mom, but now it is like he is trying to test her and it has gone downhill and seems to be getting worse. I really feel for the mom because her love does not seem to be enough for him and as he gets older what can she do at this point to make his listen to her?

I've run out of ideas, I'm afraid to say. She might try to find out if there is a parents' crisis hotline. Each state has a Child Protective Services department that is a state department. Depending upon your location, there may be resources available for the parent who needs assistance parenting a difficult child. You'll need to check out what is available in your area. This would be different than calling them to report abuse so make sure you don't do that. There is an organization called Parents Anonymous but, frankly, I don't know much about them. I know there are groups that provide advice to parents of teens but it just depends on what's available locally. You would check by county.

Best of luck.

Thank you for your help. I will pass this infomation on to the mom.

The term "sociopath" isn't a great one simply because it can mean a variety of disorders. Anyways, with the terminology aside, as bad as it is when your brother got hit, it shows that despite the big image he puts up (i.e. saying he doesn't go by rules), he's rather weak and I'm sure he knows this. If you confront him, he'll deny it and if you ask about his self-esteem, he'll say it's high. If you try to lower his massive ego and self-esteem, he'll resort to anger but it probably won't be physical, it'll be mostly verbal. The anger that he uses toward your mother and others is what is commonly called narcissistic rage, which is where your brother tries to tear down someone in order to build himself up and is usually accomplished with rage, anger, etc... . It doesn't necessarily mean he hates your mother, in fact, I'm sure if your mother were to try to give him to his father, he'd cry and want to go to his mother. At first it seems rather contradictory, however, it's a textbook presentation of narcissism. There are different types of narcissists (depending which book your read you'll get different amounts) but the one I go by defines nine types of narcissists.

For your brother, his psychological profile would be a low self-esteem, possibly some self-hatred, jealousy and so forth but all of this is masked by an inflated self-esteem and ego but it's one that's fragile. For someone who had a truly high (but not insanely high) self-esteem, if you challenged them on something, they wouldn't get very defensive or try to make themselves look big.

Keep going at enforcing the rules, he'll fight back trying to be the boss and you'll probably see that as you enforce the rules more and more, he'll try to be more "evil" or use more narcissistic rage to build himself up because you're in a sense kicking his ego and sense of self down. He wants to appear as the boss and wants to be the boss, and so when you put up the rules, you're challenging him to his reign. Keep enforcing the rules and don't give in to what he wants because if you do, then you're working against ourselves. When he begins to settle down, you can be less strict but the moment he tries to kick up again, enforce the rules. It's easier than it sounds.