It hurts to punish!!

I caught my son doing something he should not be doing today. I caught him red handed. He couldn't even think up an excuse. What he did wrong is not up for discussion but I wanted to share my thoughts and feelings on the punishment I gave him.

So when I caught him, he looked up and down and went white in the face and said, "Mom, I'll take my punishment". He realized right away that he couldn't make excuses or lie out of this one.

So I told him that I was disappointed and then took away his computer priviledges for 1 week. He accepted it and we moved on.

Some time later he came and apologized, tears in his eyes, noting that he had done wrong but at the same time asking me to swap his punishment for something else. That is when I realized that I had hurt him with my punishment. I stood my ground, of course, I mean, I couldn't very well change the punishment, but I hurt for him. I felt sorry for him. And I wanted to tell him that. But I stood my ground. I accepted his apology and hugged him and told him how much I love him, no matter what had happened.

But I hurt all the same. I HATE punishing. It was necessary. But it hurt me. And him. Lesson learnt.

You sound like a wonderful parent Sabrina. Yes it does hurt to hand out consequences and stick with it but that's a good parents job. If we take the easy way out and don't set boundaries then it hurts the parent and child much worse later. Being a good parent is the hardest job in the world. You did the right thing.

You did right! My mom taught Kindergarten and First Grade for 36 years. Over the years she has seen more and more parents who were more interested in being their child's "friend" or to be seen as "cool" by their child, rather than be a parent. Being a parent means unconditional love and support, but it is we parents who teach kids boundries. Too many don't anymore and these children grow up thinking that since the rules don't apply at home, they don't apply to them anywhere else! Being a parent means not always being the "good guy" and sometimes we even get a heated "I hate you!" from our kids. It's hard, but there are other parents (including me) who understand you!

The kicker is I work in College Student Loans. These parents are STILL doing everything for their child! How are our kids going to understand the rules of society and being an adult if we don't show them? My girls have always had boundries. I know I am not a perfect parent, but I know D and I are doing something right. Our daycare provider, the school and others tell us how good our girls are! They know home is a safe place to "lose it" if needed, and push those boundries. It's hard (my mantra in this response) but we stick to it. As an adult, I appreciate the fact my parents were more strict then my friend's.

The right thing isn't the easy thing, just know you did good and you are supported here!

Amazing. Sabrina, now that you mention it, every punishment I gave my son hurt me. But I didn't think twice about it because I wasn't interested in being his friend. I was interested in respecting him. And I knew if I didn't teach him boundries, he was going to grow up to be someone I couldn't respect.

I remember the first time he had a true punishment (and not "time out"). He was playing with another boy in the neighborhood. He came in for supper. Soon a knock came at the door. He was only four. A man from the neighborhood said that my son and the other little boy had torn a bag of wood chips on the man's porch and had thrown them all over the yard. I asked my son if he did it. He looked down and nodded. I told him to go to his room and get his $5 that I had given him for his allowance. He went to get it and then he gave it to the man and apologized to him. The man said thank you and told him he was a good boy for apologizing and paying for the damage. To the best of my knowledge, he never destroyed someone else's property again.

Sabrina,

I find it no great surprise how fair and even handed you were with this situation. I believe you to be the type of parent who disciplines "for" their child and not "to or at" them. In my opinion, you are teaching your son good lessons to prepare him for the real world.

On a different level, allow me to point out a few things I believe your parental skills have already achieved. He knows the difference between right and wrong. He knew what was coming and accepted that fact. He did not throw a temper tantrum or try to manipulate you.

Looking again at some of the positives, he showed remorse with genuine tears. He came to negotiate, not demand a different punishment. How many children instead, play upon their parent's personal feelings and try to coo and beguile a revocation of punishment altogether!

In my humble opinion, the punishment is best when it fits the realm of the offense, not necessarily the offense itself. You chose a punishment that obviously had impact. Sometimes...often times, consequences are painful. And like I said earlier, I know you to be a fair and even handed person. Take heart in that.

More and more you will fine tune your parenting and as a child, his job is to explore his world through his own eyes knowing that your love and guidance will always be there. Teaching your boy acceptance, communication and the fact that true love is unconditional in all circumstances, sounds like a wonderful foundation for his journey into manhood.

I'm glad you shared this Sabrina. It has to ring a bell for many, and a moment of introspection is always good for the soul.Thank you for being such a good person and such a good parent. You are loved for being both.

We came out of the dentist and as a treat I gave my children sweets (they dont get them often lol) well my eight year old daughter did nothing but complain about the sweets she was given, rather than be gratefull for the ones she had.

After fifteen min of tears and moaning I warned her that if she carried on I would take her sweets off her.

She wouldnt stop.

I took them off her.

Some time later she came to me and said sorry mum for being difficult.

I did the huggy lovey bit with her but stuck to my guns.....

It hurt me just as much as it hurt her I felt terrible I am so soft ! But I knew I had said it so had to stick to it.

I am still upset and she is fine lol.

Thank you to each and every one of you for responding so postively to my post. My little boy is struggling on with his punishment. He SO wanted to play at the computer today and almost asked me but said, oops, never mind. He then asked when the punishment would be up. So he had good thought!

I am ok with it all now, but it still hurts. Tough being a Mom!

I don't come from a religious family, but a tradtional one. When I got pregnant with Bug (D is my husband and father to both of our girls), my mom said to me "Having kids is the hardest thing you will ever do, but the most rewarding".

She's right. (She tends to be...)

As much as it may hurt you to punish him, it's somewhat necessary. After the punishment is over, then if it worked out properly, you won't have to re-punish him for the same or similar behavior again. You may not even have to punish him for a completely different behavior for some amount of time. We all have to do things that we're not always comfortable doing for the better.

Although child developmental psychology is not my area I'm studying in, I do think that a parent should establish their role as parent and not as a kind buddy or a friend. A parent is meant to be a parent but ideally a parent is meant to be a good caring parent. At the same time, I think it's necessary to avoid being too passive and too much like a drill-sergent. Kids are young and they're going to explore their world, and part of that involves getting into nonsense and things they shouldn't.

I am not a mother but i never realised that it is hard on the mother to disipline a her children. I guess i never relised it when i was young because she must have hidden it behind the smile and the twinkle in her eye when punishment was in order. Her punishments were very effective too...tough love and all that stuff. Cause i remember her punishments only took once. Like potty training...instead of wasting all that time using the potty seat, when she felt it was time to wean me off diapers and into those underpants with the fancy ruffles, she just took off the diaper, put on the panties. First time i made a mistake and soiled my panties, she put the diaper back on and took the soiled panties and rubbed my face in them. Some brown came off on my nose...i guess she liked that idea because she would not let me wash it off until after dinner. I learned to use the potty after that without another mistake! Yeah me! It only took that one time. Of course i did not realise all the pain there is in being a good parent. Then when i got my first period, i did not want to have a mistake again...once is enough and i did not want to have the possibility of something like that happening again. I had a girlfriend who invited me camping in her backyard. I told her of possible punishment cause i had my period. We did enough damage inside me to warrant emergency surgery...no more periods but i was also sterile because of it. My parents did know exactly what me and my friend did to me that night, but i still feel guilty for not being able to provide grandchildren to love.

Thank you for sharing NuckingFutz but I am afraid your story horrified me. I don't consider what happened to you punishment at all, but rather abuse. And I am sorry you had to go through that. The consequences speak for themselves. I am shaking after reading your post.

Wow! I'm just amazed you can remember anything at that age!

I agree with what Sabrina said, this was not punishment,what was done is the stuff nightmares are made of. So sorry you went through this. Please continue (or start) therapy to deal with things.

Best to you.

I did not mean to offend...am in therapy...reread my post...next issue on the list will be what does healthy parenting look like vs being raised by a sociopath. If this needs to be moved or deleted go for it.

No offense taken. It's your experience. I said it's the things nightmares are made of.

I was not offended either, just horrified that you had to suffer like that. No child should have to go through what you went through. I am glad you are in therapy and wish you the best.

Yeah, i am glad i am in therapy, but it's too fast too soon. Not ready to work on my childhood abuse, but my anger is directly related to it. Gotta tell t because i get distructive when i get angry.

Well, I would like to end this thread on a good and positive note. My son endured his punishment and the moment it was up he flew to the computer and with puppy dog eyes, asked if he could play. Lesson was well learnt. And we all survived.

I sincerely thank everyone for their input to this thread. I reckon I grew a bit!

While we as parents may hate having to punish our children... I think we are hurting them more in the long run if we do not set forth some form of discipline when they are misbehaving and need to learn.

Stable children come from a balance of both Love & Discipline.