RE: Previous poll on teen sex

Some months ago a member posted a poll on whether or not you would tell the parent of a teenaged child, that you discovered that child was having sex. I was on the fence then, but the past few months have absolutely made up my mind for me. NO WAY! These zero tolerance policies also seem to mean zero common sense.

Keep in mind that this is all MY first hand knowledge, this is not some urban legend. And as I post this, this young man is on day 70 of is jail stay.

When Adam was 13 and Eve was 12 they started dating. They began a sexual relationship when Adam was 16 and Eve 15. They continued to date another year or so but broke up. After the break up Eve's parents decided to contact the DA about their underaged sexual affair. Adam plead no contest because "well we did it, what was I supposed to say?" He was given a suspended sentence of 90 days in jail and placed on probation until his 21st birthday (which was day 30 of his stay btw).

For the next 4ish years, Adam's only run ins with the "law" were 1) being out past curfew (dismissed as he was coming home from work) 2) driving without his license on his person (fine paid once it was determined he had a valid license, just not on him). Adam works full time and attends college.

The middle of August my daughter's friends threw her a going away party. The police stopped for some silly thing, I don't recall what, but it was basically a check to make sure there were no underaged kids at the party. Totally in the right. While there they checked everyone's ID's and gave them breathalizers. Adam blew a .08. Since we have a zero tolerance for underaged drinking and because a condition of Adam's probation was absolute sobriety Adam was taken into custody. Still absolutely right, he not only broke the law, but a condition of his probation so he was absolutely in the wrong. But the nightmare begins...

Adam was not able to have any visitor or contact with anyone but his probation officer (excellent woman) for the first two weeks he was there. He was permitted one two minute call to his father.

Due to the financial crisis in our state and required furloughs, his representation has been horrible at best.

If I was not witnessing this myself first hand, I would not believe that this is possible in this country. You see, his probation has not been officially violated, because it has not been determined thus legally. He cannot even admit to drinking therefore the probation would be violated without legal representation. His public defender has contacted him one time.. to say she was his lawyer.

We live in a rural area, there is one District Attorney and he's the one that actually in the courtroom for every single case. Adam's probation officer is an extemely helpful woman, and based upon Adam's prior behavior she agree (with the DA's approval) that if Adam voluntarily agreed to alcohol and drug evaluation his probation would not be violated. This was on Day 3 of his jail stay. Adam agreed, but again, he must have some form of legal representation to do so.

Since then, she's been on vacation so it was not possible. Then the DA was on vacation so a resolution not possible. State mandated furloughs have also caused delays. Finally a MONTH ago, a public defender was assigned BUT two problems 1) she will not return his/ours/his father's ANYONE's calls 2) The DA is now involved in a high profile murder trial (the first in known history) so this is not on the DA's priority list.

In the MEANTIME, his probation officer got a notice to violate him because he didn't respond to the underaged drinking complaint (either pay the fine or request trial). HE WAS IN JAIL, so now he absolutely cannot proceed without legal advice. Apparently he has to have a lawyer say "hey, my client could not answer this summons because he's been sitting in jail since the incident and has been unable to get his mail and we've just forgotten he's in there."

Adam wrote the judge a letter from jail, explaining why he was not present at the hearing or unable to pay the fine. THIS is how he got a public defender!

It would take any intelligent lawyer 10 seconds to solve this. The man has already sat for 70 days, with time for good behavior his original sentence is fullfilled. Case over, his debt to society for a childhood mistake paid in full.

I don't think the parents were fair in the begining at all. The kids were only a year apart. I feel bad for your friend.

Well that's the way it is here, it's also very sexist as in the male is usually the only one that gets punished.

I agree that the parents were wrong. This girl he was involved with is equally wrong. I guess the parents think that their kid can't do any wrong.
I'm just wondering if his parents can hire a lawyer.
It also could be that 1) He violated his probation, and this is part of his punishment, or 2) They are going to revoke his probation, and go ahead and make him do the time.
What was the original sentence, do you know? I'm not trying to be harsh, and I feel bad for the kid, but that kid never should have been at that party if he knew this was a probation violation. He took a chance.
If he got charged with something else while on probation the punishment is going to be 10 times worse than what someone else would get, not being on probation.The kid should be able to get visitation. He needs to fill out a form, and put people on his list. If no one can talk to him send him a letter. Tell his parents that for him to write back they need to deposit money on his account so that he can buy a stamped envelope, and paper.

The original sentence was 90 days (suspended) with probation until his 21st birthday. He turned 21 in jail. You're absolutely right, by drinking he violated his probation and they have every right to punish him based upon that. But in my opinion that doesn't mean we get to lock him up and throw away the key until we get around to dealing with the infraction.

There seems to be no rhyme or reason here. A man came into our place of employment about a month after this happened. He was looking for his ex-girlfriend and threatened to kill her and everyone with her. He flashed what looked like a gun to the manager in charge. When arrested he was in fact carrying a handgun and 6 inch hunting knife. He was arrested and in jail less than 72 hours.

AAAAA I do agree with you. The justice system is all screwed up. I can't figure out why the parents did what they did seeing how their daughter was just as much fault as what he was. That poor boy is probably going nuts in there. Do you know his parents? Have they tried calling another lawyer to see why this is going on like this? IMO public defenders aren't that good. Can you go up and see him? I feel really bad for him if he hasn't had any visitors, and only one phone call. Where are his parents at? I don't see what it would hurt just to call a criminal lawyer, and ask them what they think. Some of those things with his probation is bs. They charged him for not having a ID on him. That is plain out stupid. Keep posting. I'm just trying to throw out some ideas to you.

His parents live about 4 hours away, they each come every other weekend (one comes one week, the next the next week, divorced). I haven't been able to go and see him, although we keep money on his account so he can call. His father is looking into another lawyer. He told his PO that he wanted a different lawyer and this lawyer showed up at the jail that same day. The downfall for that whole situation is that there is a delay with everything.

He's at his wits end. He's by no means a career criminal so he's out of his element, and bored out of his mind.

I truly do not think that the girl's parents or anyone involved for that matter, had any clue that this would have had such an impact on his life. I know the arresting officer told me that had he known what was going to happen he wouldn't have even stopped that night.

To be clear, he was pulled over for a random sobriety check one Saturday night, he was driving without his license on his person. I know in this day and age they can easily check via computer if his license was still valid, but it is still illegal to drive without it on your person. I confess I break this law every time I drive my husband's car instead of mine. I don't carry a purse so I just keep mine in my car.

I'm wondering if you can contact some sort of advocacy place..

Oh we've contacted everyone we can think of. Hubby has gone in and sat in the DA's office waiting to see him, the PO's office and even the lawyers office (he waited four hours from her to see him and she would not).

Because he is being held on a suspected probation violation, not a new charge, he is not eligible for bail. He has no choice but to sit there and wait for the judicial process to determine 1) whether he violated his probation 2) what his punishment should be. I have no doubt as soon as a judge sees this, he/she will be give him the sentence of time served.

I have been caught driving without my license on me, and they never gave me a ticket. I think this kid is doing the right thing. A job and going to college. The poor thing is just having some really bad luck right now. Hopefully when he gets out he will be off probation. I do hope that his dad can get hom a lawyer, so he can get out of there.

He is between a rock and a hard place, he has a hearing set for the end of the month with this lawyer. If he changes lawyers he's looking at a November/December court date. So does he stay with the lawyer that has done absolutely nothing for him so far, or get a better one and delay the process for another possible 2 months. This is all so ridiculous. But in the back of my mind, I'm thinking "he'll make sure he never breaks another law again."

Well I would tell the kid to see what the lawyer that he is seeing at the end of the month is going to say. I would still have another lawyer ready to go on stand by. If a new lawyer can get him out now, then I would go with the new lawyer. You know a lawyer can put up bonds for their clients. It's something to look into. I would tell the kid that when this is all said and done that he needs to tell the court that he should get time served. I do believe that he did learn his lesson from this. What's really sad about all this, is that it happened when he was just a teenager. I'm guessing that your in a small populated area, because in a big city he would have already been out. Crimes in the big city are so bad, that law enforcement usually goes after the really hard crimals. This kid is definetely not that. AAAAA I would tell the parents to see if they can call the lawyers, and see if one of them can get them to see if they can post bond. A good lawyer can have him out of jail in a heart beat.

We were willing to put up the bond for him, but there is no bond. They haven't established what he did yet, so he must sit there until they do. I'm telling you it's all a vicious circle. Since he's been in jail for over two months, he has no income, plus the lost of previously paid college classes. So he's using a public defender. I'm not sure what his parents financial status is, I always assumed they were quite comfortable as the reason he lives in this area is because his parents have a vacation home nearby on an exclusive lake. I know the economy is bad, but I'd be doing everything I could to get this straightened out if this was my child. Heck, I am doing everything I can and he's not even my kid!

My husband did some extensive investigation and gave his father the names of some good local lawyers in the area. This was months ago. I don't think anyone expected it to drag out this long.

I am sorry but this is ridiculous. This is another example of how good people can be in the wrong place type thing. Like we say and hear all the time, there are plenty of really bad people out there that they should have in jail not this guy that is doing everything right so far.....anyway, I had to rant, ty for listening.

Jen

Thank you jens, I absolutely agree with you. I find this so frustrating because this is a good kid that made some bad decisions. He further added insult to injury by admitting to it, which was the right thing to do. There is no way they could prove there was a sexual relationship between the two of them, but he plead no contest because that is what he felt it was the right thing to do.

Part of the reason that he was unable to have visitors the first couple of weeks in jail was because he had no idea the hoops he had to jump through to do so. When we contacted the jail, they stated that it was not their responsibility to notify Adam of what he needs to do to allow visitors, it was Adam's responsibility to ask. He had NO IDEA what to ask, who to ask etc. He had no idea that he had money on his account to get necessities such as soap, toothbrush, toothpaste, and underwear.

They would not accept any messages. After a week a light FINALLY went on in my head and it occurred to me that the county jail could not interfer with the postal service so I wrote him a letter. I told him he had to ask for form X to fill out to approve of vistitors at least 24 hours prior to his visiting days, I let him know what his visiting days were, that he had money on his account, and I was SO proud of myself that I remembered to include the phone numbers of all of his close friends.

We didn't know any of these things off hand either. My father was the Lt. Sheriff in my home county for years, I worked as a clerk there but SO many things are different now. Who knew they didn't provide basic necessities anymore? He had to buy underwear at $5 each through the jail. If his probation officer hadn't been so helpful I don't know what we would have done.

You are a great friend Having done all that you did to make sure he knew what was going on was so sweet.

I will tell you that i wouldn't have a clue of any of those things if I was ever thrown in there. I somehow got to almost 40 the most naive person I have ever known, hahaha. I am not un-intelligent....just un-exposed. So especially at his age I wouldn't know how the justice system could expect kiddos to know this kind of stuff.

Jen

He's actually my daughter's friend, (boyfriend I suspect but I pretend not to notice) although I met him before she did through her friends from HS. We kind of adopt most of the kids' friends.

AAAAA that is so sweet of you to do what your doing for this kid. The only other thing that I can think of is that they are going to make him do the 90 days. I don't think that they can hold him after that. The probation officer should be able to know that. AAAAA would you be able to call a lawyer in your neighborhood, and see what they say. It seems to me this kid has only you and your husband really trying to help him.

AAA, something about this stinks. I dont know exactly what, but something just does NOT sit right with me AT ALL.

Something popped in my head - what about contacting amnesty international?I know they usually deal with more dire cases than this, but they know how prisoners are supposed to be treated and whatnot, and they maybe could give you some advice.