[icecakes]

Hi,
My son is 16 and his gf is 15. Since he has met her his whole demeanor has changed. I feel as though she is creating a wedge between my son and his dad and myself. Her mom and dad are drinkers and she is so unbelievably manipulitive. My son is a loving boy and has been through alot with his dad and myself. We are divorced and I'm sure that hurt him even though he knew even at 7 that dad was scary at times. That also makes him suceptable to accepting behavior that is not healthy. This girl makes him crazy and he still stays with her. Let me give you that latest scenario.

He goes to her house a couple days after school and I pick him up after work. When I picked him up today he said he has a temp of 104. His gf wasnt feeling well and when her mom picked them both up from school they went to her doctor. My son said he is feeling clammy so the doctor takes his temp. Apparently the temp was 104. The first thing I could think of was why wasn't I called??? I called the mom to ask her what went on and why didnt she call me? She said my son told her not to. I said don't you think you should have made a parental decision and called me anyways? I mean 104 he should have been in the ER! Her mom and I have some words and I guess she wasn't happy about a couple things I said and talked to her daughter which in turn made her (the gf) angry and then gave my son grief which then all turned onto me. I am the bad guy and what ever she was saying to him on the phone must have been negative toward me because he was saying the most hurtful things about me to her just so she would feel better and not leave him. I was floored.. He says I ruined his life and he hates me and wants to move out. He doesn't want to talk to me anymore. He even said the other day that her mom is more of a mother to him than I am. My heart broke right there on the spot. Why is he doing this? How do I get him to realize that what he shares with this girl is completely unhealthy? She comes over to the house and is completely disrespectful. She will not say hello and even walks through a different room so not to have to see me. I say to him you are both disrespectful for her not saying hello to me and for you thinking there is nothing wrong here. His response what do you except you dont so anything for her, your not nice to her.. my mouth just hangs open. I'm scared he is going to throw his whole life away because of this girl.

Does anyone have any insight for me?

[AAAAA]

He's 16, the more you make her the forbidden fruit the more he's going to want her. My own school of thought for my kids is that I raised them well, taught them the morals I believe in and I trust them to make certain decisions for themselves. One of those decisions is who they are going to be friends with. Over the years (oldest is 23) there have been MANY kids that have come through this house that I've had to bite my tongue to prevent myself from screaming. But each and every time they've come to the conclusion (completely on their own) that these were not the kind of people they wanted to spend time with.

I understand he's a minor and therefore at this point in time you do have a say in who he spends time with, but think of the future. He has to realize what a healthy relationship is on his own. Once he's an adult, his girlfriends/wife are in a relationship with him.

I met my father-in-law 32 years ago, I disliked him immediately and that dislike has only grown over the years. Since his mother died three years ago he has absolutely nothing to do with the man. Not because this is what I want, far from it, but I have no doubt that part of the reason is that FIL and my mutual dislike makes things very uncomfortable. If you want him to remain in your life you have to find a way to accept that he is in control of his own destiny.

Think of the mistakes you've made in your own life, if someone told you at the time it was a mistake, would you have really listened?

Sorry to tell you this, but your son is growing up and this won't be the only relationship you won't approve of. He'll learn on his own. Just a few rules: doors stay open, curfews, etc. Otherwise, your interference will only drive them closer together. Back off a bit and let him be a teenager. If you have given him a solid moral foundation, he'll come around to the decision to move on on his own.

[Rhapsody]

I agree with the others... your little boy is growing up and the more female relationships he has the more he is going to separate from you and his dad... this is natures way of helping him become a MAN, and sadly he will distant himself from the parents that once took care of his every need to do this.

[Nypheria]

As for him having 104 degree fever and NOT calling you, WTH?! He could have died, holy crap, I would have been FURIOUS! So I understand you.

With his girl-friend, you just have to take a step back and let him do his thing. He will figure out what she really is, but let him discover that. You taught him right, and now you have to see the product of your work, but also let the world teach him some things.

Now, him talking crazy to you isnt going to float. I would not accept that at all. You are his mom, his parent. So its time to be a parent and punish him for that. Ground him, make him understand why. Thats total disrespect he shown you - ask him why he is doing that and talk about it. He just cant run away from it forever.

I hope you are able to face him on this.

[icecakes]

Thanks for the input.

[jerrymichele]

I do agree that the gf's mother should have called you. I have a daughter who has been threw some things this past year. The disrespect, rebelling along with all the other crap. Matter of fact, today I was on the phone with her, and she started getting a smart mouth with me, and she was yelling at me. I just asked her a question about school. So, you know what I did, I hung up on her. I don't like being that way with her, but I'm not going to put up with her disrespecting me either.
Really, all you can do is let him learn from his mistakes. If he is back talking then tell him that your not going to put up with that. I don't think that he's just going to end a relationship with you over her. Let him learn what he needs to learn. Trust me, he will see what she is. Sooner or later he will get sick of it. He really seems like a good kid. He's working and going to school. IMO he seems like he wants to do something with himself. When the gf comes over to your house, I would just tell him that it is rude on both their parts not just to say hello. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it, just let him know. I know teenagers can really drive you nuts. I have 3 of them.