Wow! Not sure what to make of this....

It was suddenly quiet in the living room where my 15 year old son and his friends were playing video games. I wondered in and asked two of the boys sitting and playing a game where my son was. He is outside with James. James is here a lot. He is one of two of my son's best friends. He spends at least one night a weekend here and has done so since he was 9 years old. He is like another son to me. I go outside to find them smoking pot.

I tell my son to get back in the house and annouce to the other boys that they have 15 minutes to clean up get their things together and head home. Realizing it was already past midnight and the 2 boys inside had not been participating in smoking the pot I decided they could stay. Going home at that hour would have caused them some problems with their parents. They had done nothing wrong. I told them they could stay but head home first thing in the morning and I told my son we would talk tomorrow.

The boys were concerned for James and with my permission went out to see if he was okay finding his way home. I wasn't worried because he has been on his own for almost a year now and wanders around freely at all hours is not foreign to him. I see them head out the door with James backpack and let them do what they need to do.

I hear the toilet flush again and again and again and voices in the bathroom. Finally the flushing stops and I call my son and ask him for an explanation. He said they just flushed the pot down the toilet. They talked James into giving up his pot and letting them flush it. My first thought was that he was in the house and this was suppose to soften me to let him stay. But no, James went home and according to the boys he is not going to smoke pot anymore.

I congratulated them. I asked my son if he had been part of the disposal of the pot and he said he was. I said he was part of smoking it too but hoped he would be more inclined to follow the way of these 2 boys in the future instead of the way James led him earlier.

I knew my son was drawn to pot and alcohol for that matter. We talk about it alot. Our talks have sometimes included James and another of my son's closest friends who is here almost as much as James. I have a history of abusing pot and he is not too young to forget how it impacted all of our lives. Still he wants to be part of the party crowd and for the most part by allowing him to have boys here over the weekends I have managed to keep him from joining the partying scene. I ousted a older brother who came by with alcohol a month or so ago and that led to talking to all of the boys about the rules around here.

Now its pot and again the rules were set down and the consequences were made clear. James will return and we will talk about what went down and what is expected of him in the future. For now he is grounded from hanging out here.

Is there more I should, could be doing to try to steer my son in the right direction? I am so afraid I am going to loose him to drugs or alcohol when my hold on him is gone. What will he choose when he hasn't got me stopping him from making a bad choice?

I have 12 and 10 year old boys. At this point, I think the only thing we can do. Is praise them for not taking part in the activity. Encourage them to talk to us and keep communication open, but not judgemental. I've learned to listen and just give my opinion, although, I do express to them constantly, you have to live with the choice that you make. I keep them educated and up to date on the negative effects drugs and alcohol has in a person's life. Both physically and mentally, and I pray that they make the correct choices in life, and hope that they learn from either their own or the mistakes of others. I do believe that communication is the most important key. Knowing that they can talk to you and trust you is so important, otherwise you'll never know what is truly taking place in his life. I'm proud of him for making the right decision and being so smart and mature about it. You did a great job as a mom.

James would not be back in my house.

Thank you for the responses. I totally agree that communications is critical. I have always had really open communication with my son and with his friends too. I used to do school lunch supervision so I know all the kids in the neighbourhood really well and they know me and like me. I feel good about that. I have had to figure out in the last few years that sometimes they play me and tell me what I want to hear. Especially when it comes to pot and alcohol use. I also think their position on any subject changes from one week to the next. One week they are all about working out and buffing up their bodies and eating healthy and the next week they are whispering about the next tunnel party. One week they are joining the military and the next week they are flying to Amsterdam.

I hear you Chris. I would feel like I was abandoning James if I didn't let him back after a while. His mother died when he was young and his dad kind of turned him out when he remarrried and had more children. It is like James doesn't belong anywhere anymore so my heart breaks for him. I think a part of me wants to fill some of the gap by caring enough to help him make better choices. Providing him a place to come where he is treated like family. I also think it won't stop my son from being friends with him and if James can't come here my son will start going out more.

Sanity I understand what you’re saying about James. But, in my opinion, if you don’t let James know that you will not tolerate that kind of behavior in your home it’s like you’re giving up on James, implying he can’t behave any better than he is.

I’ve had three teenagers live here that I haven’t given birth to. I never understood why the last one wanted to move in. At her dad’s house she was able to do whatever she wanted whenever she wanted. She had no rules or boundaries. The three years she officially lived here (before that stayed most nights, going “home” once or twice a week) she had the same rules and expectations that my other children had.

I’d sit James down and tell him that you do love him, and he will be welcome in your home as long as he follows the house rules. The ball is in his court.

Totally agree with you. The ball is in James' court. When I see him again we will definately talk about what went down last night. I don't think there is anything I am doing that would suggest to James that he is exempt from the rules around here. That is why he was sent home. And perhaps even why he gave up the pot to his friends to throw away. He knew he blew it big time.

Do you really think they flushed it down the toliet or was it just a show?