[buttrfli42481]

My daughter disclosed in T session that she doesn't feel safe at her dad's. She says that her uncle (who lives there too) tickels her and teases her and that she doesn't like his tatoos. I am very confused as to what to do. She has to go over there tomorrow night and this weekend. My gut is telling me not to let her, that there is more going on than what she is saying. Part of me is wanting to lash out in anger, the other part is holding me back. I just don't know. Do I call CPS and report it, ask them what to do? Or do I sit back and wait for my daughter to disclose more? All I want is for her to be safe.

[lynn P.]

((buttrfli42481)) - I'm sorry you're troubled. How old is your daughter and does she stay over night there? Can you speak to your ex about this? It's hard to say whether you should involve CPS - have they ever been in the picture before? Could you speak to who ever organized the custody agreement?

In the meantime, you can teach your daughter to reject his tickling advances, with a strong "NO". I also hate it when adults do the tickling thing unless it's done in front of me. I have never forced my girls to "go give a hug/kiss" to various relatives - I want them to know they have a choice in the matter. If she's old enough, give her full permission to say "NO I don't like this" and "don't touch me". Tell her to tell her father and her father should respect her wishes. I think you should speak with her father and I don't think she should stay over night if he lives there.

[buttrfli42481]

Lynn, she is 9 and does have to spend the night over there. That is in the custody arrangement. I have to have an ammendment done if overnights are to be taken away. I know that won't happen by tomorrow night, or this weekend. I try not to talk to my ex, due to fearing his reaction, he was my abuser. CPS has been involved before because his house is dirty. I don't want her going over there until I have more information. I think there is more going on than the tickling because she gets tickled by her papa and loves it. The fact that she was crying while telling me makes me think that it isn't just tickling.
I have been telling her that if she doesn't like what someone is doing to her that it is ok to say she doesn't like it and wants them to stop. However, both her father and her uncle don't pay attention to that. This whole situation is making me sick.
Thank you for your reply.

[Miracle1986]

I personally would call CPS and tell them exactly what your daughter said.
Ask them for advice. You would not be overreacting... just being proactive.
Kids don't normally lie about these type of things. And be sure she knows that
she can tell him "no... stop it" NO MEANS NO... no matter if you are 9 or 99!

[serafim_etal]

You say that she disclosed in a T session...you may find that CPS is already involved, or about to be. T's are mandated reporters.

[lynn P.]

Thank you for the reply. Now that you told me more information, I think you should involve CPS. She a little old to be tickled anyway IMO. If she was crying, then I agree this is a red flag. I think you or a professional needs to gently talk more about this with your daughter.

In the meantime, teach her how to be bold is asserting herself and make sure she knows she can call 911 or you when she's there. I hope everything turns out to be okay for you and your daughter. Abusers look for compliance and people who find it hard to speak out - they don't want to draw attention to themselves so teach her how to be bold and noisy. You can also tell CPS that your daughter doesn't want to go there.

[salukigirl]

Do you think the father knows about any of this? Have you tried mentioning it to him? I would calls CPS just because if you say or do anything yourself without reporting it first, then you could end up being in trouble and possibly having your custody compromised.

I'm pretty disgusted at things like this. To think of a helpless child being taking advantage of by their own family member. Does the uncle have anywhere else to go? I feel that, if the father really doesn't know and doesn't suspect a thing, that it's unfair to him if he were to be punished by his brother's actions. Do you have any idea of what CPS would do in this situation? Force the brother to leave? Stop all visitation period?

Going through my parents divorce, it was messy but never anything like this. I'm sorry you, and your daughter, are going through this. I hope that, whatever happens, you can use it as a learning experience for her and teach her how to use this experience to make her stronger. I applaud you seeking help for your daughter.

[Perna]

I would talk to your daughter about the tickling and teasing. I have three older brothers and was tickled unmercifully but there was nothing sexual in it, you literally can be tickled to death and often tickling itself is not fun/is painful.

I would then talk to my ex-husband and tell him to "control" his brother, that the tickling has to totally stop and you don't want to hear about your daughter crying from teasing. I would then monitor, through your daughter, how they behave.

I would only involve CPS if your daughter indicates the touch has been sexual in nature and/or things don't go well this weekend (tell her she doesn't have to like his tatoos, you don't either). How old is the uncle?

[buttrfli42481]

Perna, her uncle is 29. I talked to her last night about the situation and she said that she felt safe going over there tonight because he won't be there (he works nights). I talked with her T this morning and he told me that it is up to me whether I report it or not. That is because she told me directly and not him. I am still on the fence as to reporting it. I think I am going to wait and see what she is like when she is going to go over there this weekend. My main concern now is what if she says she doesn't feel safe going over there this weekend. Do I have to make her go?