8 year old got hurt "at school"...???

Before anything is done, I think the obvious thing to do is, speak with your daughter - call her on the phone and ask her if she went to the doctor and did she get injured and how. Ask what doctor she went to and you have the right to call this doctor. If your ex won't let you speak to her or tell you what doctor, then call your lawyer.

If your daughter told you it happened at school, I would believe her and tend to believe your husband that it was a straddle injury (very common for me when I was that age). The whole concept of sexual abuse doesn't sound likely to me with your daughter then going to a movie and then on a play date? If I were the abused child, I wouldn't be able to do that well enough that the friend's mother wouldn't notice something were wrong? If I were your husband trying to deny something like that, I would start with the initial statement by your daughter and deny that it was anything. It sounds to me, instead, that your husband is just being an insensitive SOB to your concerns.

I'm sorry you didn't get to see her this weekend, I'd call her (do you know her teacher at school?) after school and chat with her and assume there was a slight school accident until I heard anything that definitely countered that.

I guess I have a different perspective because I know how it feels to be eight years old and nobody cared that my uncle was sexually molesting me. Even now as an adult when I told my mom that enough was enough and I was tired of pretending that nothing happened my mom said she thought I said he was molesting me as a joke. haha funny joke

I pretended nothing was wrong at the time because that was what the adults wanted.

food for thought:


In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.
Theodore Roosevelt

I appreciate the different points of view you all have offered. I have all of those points of view and some others, too. It is confusing to me and so difficult to sort out what is baggage from my past and what is valid today in this situation. It's complicated even more by the flooding that this has triggered, and the dissociation that follows. My head is foggy and my thoughts unfocused.

I have a session w/my T tomorrow morning and I will of course talk about this with her then and hope she can help me figure out what to do next.

I will just add that my older kids told me recently that my 8 year old has been sleeping in the bed with her father. I talked to my T about that, as well, and talked to my daughter about it but it's so hard to know what's actually going on behind closed doors. I don't think he would abuse her, but I also don't trust myself to be a good judge of these things. I didn't think he would abuse ME either, and he did. I just don't know.

I do know that all my life I have been hurt when I thought I was safe, and I cannot sort out safe from unsafe at all anymore. And more importantly, I have to keep reminding myself, this isn't about ME. It's about my daughter, not about me. I have to keep sorting that out in my head and my heart, over and over.

You know your child best, if you think something is wrong and you’re not getting answers that satisfy you, call CPS. I personally would NOT do it anonymously! I would give them my name and relay ALL the information you have available to you.

I would also contact your child’s teacher and ask if he/she is aware of anything that happened at school. I also recommend speaking to your child, in person if that is possible.

I don’t know what your custody agreement is. Even if you do get the name of the doctor that your husband brought your child to I don’t know how much information they can give you unless you’re listed on the medical release form.

so what did your therapist say? Have you talked to your daughter? Did you call CPS? How are you going to handle this? How are you going to help your daughter?

I haven't had any SA issues in my past, but I have had experience with people (especially men) who hide information to protect themselves from the true things that are going on.

First is come with avoiding providing information. They only offer comments that they try to use to make you feel like its ok so you will just be quiet & go away & feel they are taking care of everything.

You look at the red flags you are seeing & add them all up. Then you look at the other information you have received when you asked for it & find that you requests are being avoided & that you can't get the whole picture from what they are telling you. When you feel that way, there is usually a reason in that they are covering their rears.

You husband SA you when you were married to him & you didn't think he would do something like that. He didn't take your daughter immediately to the Dr when the problem was made aware to him (no matter what excuse, one always takes care of something serious like that even if one doesn't think it might be serious). Her baby talk when you talked to her about the blood & saying that the Blood went Bye bye....as you said yourself, that isn't normal for her. Look at all the DID out there that comes from abuse & all the young alters that are formed in the process of forming their protective environment. How many had that going on while they were going through the abuse? Then you said that you have been told that she is sleeping in bed with her father.....at 8 years old, that isn't appropriate & no good father would allow it to happen no matter how they felt for their own protection to prove that nothing would happen. Not getting the Dr's name, or information & not being able to talk with your daughter.....convenient that the playday coinsided with when you had the children. Divorced parents don't make those kinds of mistakes or keep the kids away from the other parent......IT"S NOT LEGAL in the first place according to the divorce agreement. Even if you didn't have your own SA issues, all these red flags should't be ignored. Even if there really isn't a problem & it's something entirely different, the fact is that the red flags shouldn't be there in the first place in a safe environment for your daughter.

I have learned for myself, when my gut feelings are looking at so many red flags accumulating in my mind, there is definitely something I need to take care of to protect the situation.

For me it was elder abuse of my Mother from the home care person. 5 days, I accumulated red flags as I saw them in front of me. The police weren't able to prosecute her, & APS dropped the ball on my report & the social workers report from the hospital, but it happened & I did protect my mother from any farther abuse along with myself.

Don't let red flags pass on by.....they are there for a reason or you wouldn't have noticed them, & they are red flags that I would also see in your circumstance.....it doesn't have anything to do with your past. Even if it doesn't show up abuse, there are many of the red flag issues that need to be stopped. Through communication between your ex & you & your questions answered no matter what & She does not sleep in his bedroom!!!!! CPS would definitely take a child away from a father for allowing something like that to happen, no matter what his "logical" reasons are......they are bad reasons your daughter needs to know that it's not right either.

When I was young (many years ago) child abuse was out there, but much more quiet, however it did happen with our neighbors & a male friend of theirs. It was openly talked about around us kids in order for us to understand that we needed to protect ourselves & know what behavior is wrong & is considered to be SA. We all knew enough to know how to protect ourselves & to recognize it if it happened to us. Parents need to make their children aware of what it is rather than try to hide it or cover it up, or even talk about it in a evasive way......we need to be up front & open with our kids so that they recognize & can protect themselves by knowing it's ok to flag it & say NO....This is NOT RIGHT!!!!!

If nothing else, this can be used as a good learning tool to calmly teach her the right & wrong things that are & aren't acceptable for future refferance.......there is nothing wrong with that. We can use situations to their best ability in case our suspicions are wrong. Being open is a good thing & will only help your daughter in the future, no matter what you find out in this situation.....not to scare her, but to protect her.

The comment that the worst thing to do it nothing is exactly where you are at right now. How you perceive this situation isnt any different than how I see it with no SA in my background & I think your T has also helped you see this too.

Keep up informed as to how it goes......no matter what comes of this, your daughter will come out better educated & much better off to handle her life in the future.

Gentle hugs to let you know I care about you & your daughter,

What a sad state of affairs when sleeping with a parent is seen as something shameful and sinister. My youngest children will be 17 in a few days and when they’re feeling ill, sad or injured they sleep with me.

In fact for the first week of summer vacation, my bedroom becomes resort central. We get a stack of movies, eat comfort foods and just talk. In fact, one of the twins is sitting next to me in bed right now. I can assure you that there is nothing untoward happening here, unless you count the wholly unhealthy food we consume. When my daughter comes home from college the first night she’s here she’ll crawl into bed with us and fill us in on everything that’s been going on in her life. Over the 24 years I’ve had children I’ve learn more about what is going on in my children’s lives, their hopes, dreams, fears, successes and failures, right here in my bedroom. Hell I’ve had more than a dozen teenagers that I haven’t given birth to come in, crawl onto the bed and say “mom, can we talk.”

I take great exception to the statement that an 8 year old sleeping with her father is inappropriate. For the majority of the population, having a child sleep with their parent is a special one on one bonding experience.

When a person has a past of SA, & it's going on behind closed doors, that isn't innocent popcorn & movies. A person who has been accused of SA & it's a known fact shouldn't allow something like that to happen for his own safety to keep from being accused of anything in the first place.

An 8 year old girl sleeping with a father who is known for SA in inappropriate no matter how you look at it. One doesn't take those kind of chances when they deal with SA as one of their issues in the first place.

The explaination of your situation hardly sounds like the one described here. I don't read anything about comfort food, or watching movies......& there is no US in their situation. The situation that was described here is a dangerous situation.....one as you describe is not hardly what I was referring to in the lack or propriety or ethical behavior.

When a person is SAbusive, that person must take the care not to put themselves into situations just as an alcoholic does not put themselves into the situation to take a drink. It's a matter of common sense if nothing more than to protect themselves from being accused of that action in future situations even if it were not the case. You have never been in a situation where you have been previously accused of an action that would leave anything in question therefore it is nothing similar to the situation I was referring to.

I feel very strongly that an 8 year old girl "sleeping with" a father known for SA, not having comfort food & watching movies & chatting, is nothing but inappropriate & very unsafe on all counts including his for just this reason of leaving the situation open to question.

Hey Zooropa, have not heard back from you on your daughter's situation. Also hope you are handling this okay, but I am not getting a good feeling about this at all because your ex's words sound like he's covering some things up. We are here for you either way.

I haven't called CPS yet, although I may still. I put a call in to my kids' guardian ad litem today and will call her again tomorrow if I don't hear from her.

My T echoed some of what I'm reading here, that there are red flags, and I give her words and opinion a lot of weight. She has been working as a T for 20+ yrs and has worked with a number of abused children and adults. When she tells me something isn't adding up, I listen.

My kids were raised in the family bed, sleeping with us from day one. However, when it is a girl child sleeping with her father, in this situation, it isn't safe. I don't know if he is abusing her or not, but I do that he sexually abused me many, many times during our 20 year marriage and I don't trust him.

I'm not against the family bed, in any way, but in this case? In this situation?It is questionable at the very least.

I agree it sounds like he is covering something up, and my T said the same thing basically. For tonight I am trying to put my mind at rest because there is nothing I can do RIGHT NOW. Tomorrow is another day and as much as my ex might want me to just let this go, I will not.

I just keep picturing my daughter coming to me some day and asking me why I didn't do something to stop it, and I am not going to make the same mistakes my mother made. I am not going to willingly turn a blind eye. If nothing is going on, if there is no abuse and it was truly just a playground accident, then nobody has anything to fear from some investigating. Only a guilty person would go to the lengths he is going to keep me from my daughter.

I will keep you all posted. Tomorrow something will happen with this. I don't know what, but SOMETHING.

Sending you warm thoughts and prayers.

Okay, when will you see your daughter again? Taking her to the doctor would provide proof. You do not want to wait to have any physical evidence heal. When my sister worked in the ER a father brought his daughter in who presented with a head injury. The ER doc was told that she slipped in the tub. The exam results revealed not only the head injury that would have not been caused by the fall. Also, the doc found vaginal and **** tearing. No bathtub accident could have caused that. I am not trying to be an alarmist, but it is better to be safe than sorry.

This is HUGELY triggering. not saying it against you or anything-- just shoots the PTSD into fast heart beat mode and distress. ugh......

I hope to God your daughter has NOT been abused. I'm hoping.....
hoping.......

I don't know your situation so I can only say what " I " would do-- there is NOTHING that could hold me back from taking my little girl to the doctors as soon as I had any indication that she could have been abused. (I would ask a neighbor , or call a taxi or call child protective services) I switch into "protector mode" big time, so that no child in my care will ever suffer what I had to experience because the adults in my life didn't want to take the time, or didn't have the werewithall to hold a child's well being above their own adult schedules.

I hope this doesn't come across as harsh- I just want the best for your daughter and hold her well being close to my heart, as I do all the children of the world.

Children always come first before anything when abuse is the question.

Please please take her to the doc or the ER -- ASAP-- to have her examined, if you have any doubt at all about abuse..........
please.......

fins

Zoorpa - have you spoke to your daughter over the phone yet to ask her about the bleeding and doctor visit.?

if you haven't heard from your daughter yet, i would definitely call CPS for suspicion of SA and the police for interference of child custody and to please check on the welfare of the child.

hope all is well by now.

am new and didn't *subscribe* for when there is an update so replying again so i can subscribe. please delete this

I am not familiar with a guardian ad litem. If it is a responsible person then that may be helpful. When do you expect to hear back from him/her? Have you had the chance to talk on the telephone with your daughter recently?

Doesn't sound like this situation is really a pressing concern for you. Can you let us know what's going on. I think it will let a lot of people on here know that at least one child was saved from future abuse. Although we do not know eachother in real life, behind every post, there are lots of hearts that care. If you look to the right of the screen you will see the number of people who have read your post as well as the people who respond. Now look at the numbers for the other posts on the page. I bet your numbers are higher than theirs. That means that people care. They have hope that the child is safe. If it is courage you need, we can help you with that too. There are a lot of people waiting for your response even if you are scared or need help let us know. We can't know what you know unless you tell us. Can you check in to let us know how you are doing.