[LindaB2]

My 12 year old son is very athletic, but still has NO real friends. Can you give me some advice? My son is a very athletic kid, and usually that, alone, would mean that he is accepted and has SOME friends. BUT, three years ago, in grade school, he was (secretly) emotionally bullied and ignored by his "so-called friends". During that time, he became increasingly more quiet at home, and eventually more "emotional" (upset and/or crying) in class over various matters. It was very uncharacteristic. After enduring months of being ostrasized by kids who were previously his friends, my once-popular child eventually confided in me what was going on. Next day, I approached the teacher and principal. Within an hour they were able to substantiate my son's situation. The parents were never notified, as the principal thought this might make things worse for my son in the long run. Since then, he has been, little by little, shunned and ignored. Entire summers have gone by without so much as a phone call from others. This school district, and in particular this grade of kids in our community, is a very snobby group. The kids seem to relish leaving others out and acting like they are too good. Oddly, though my son is very athletic and plays on several teams, his athletic prowess has sometimes been a downfall, too. He is often considerably better at a sport, and most definitely gives it 110% when he plays. The sad part is, he is always on a team that ends up not being nearly as good, or as committed as he. So, he has NEVER been on a team that wins games...really! As the seasons progress, his disappointment has gotten the better of him and he has shown it in some ways (mostly crying due to disappointment) that make other kids want to stay clear of him. So, even in an arena where he should shine, he doesn't. He has kids he sits with at lunch time in 6th grade, none of which went to his previous grade school. All of the kids he sits with are very athletic, popular and have known each other for years. They are a SUPER-TIGHT group, and that includes the parents/families, too. Consequently, while he sits with them, his attempts to do things with them are always answered by excuses, etc. Summer is fast approaching and I am honestly beginning to dread it. I don't know what, if anything, I can do to help the situation. He has a heart of gold. Truly. He is very misunderstood by his peers and i am saddened that he has no friends. My gut (mom) instinct tells me that he has an unspoken "reputation" that has been unfairly given to him by kids, and, well, kids talk to each other. But, I read all of these articles/advice on how to help and almost every thing mentions building on one friend or one avenue of interest. He continues to see a school psychologist (going on 3 years now) ever since the emotional bullying was discovered. She has recommendations, but they seem to fall short. For example, she suggested he try participating in the intramural floor hockey, which he did. And, the very first day, the kids picked teams and he was asked to go to the "other" team, right in front of the kids he sits with at lunch. Needless to say, that broke his heart and he never went back. For my son, both he and I have done numerous things to try to turn things around and still, NO FRIENDS...NOT A SINGLE ONE!. Please, help.

[Sabrina]

Oh, I really feel for you and your son.
My son is also 12 years old and quite lonely. But his domineering spirit and insistence that everything has to be his way is what has caused other kids to not want to be friends with him. He never gets visits or phone calls during the holidays. (Well, he does have one out of town friend, but it doesn't help since this friend is well, out of town). I don't know what advice to give you other than to just be there for your son when he needs to talk. Hug him lots. Tell him you love him.
You sound like a good and protective Mom who only has her child's best interests at heart.
Hopefully some of the other Mom's here can come up with some suggestions.

We often have holiday programs that are independent of schools. I would love for my son to go on one of them as it gives him a chance to make completely new friends. Anything like that in your area?

Hang in there.

[flora_poste]

I was a less active female version of your son. I was bullied from the moment I started school till I got so fed up I had to drop out in 9th grade. I was severely shy, got bad grades because I was depressed so I was called stupid, I was obese once puberty hit (emotional eating) so I got called fat and ugly a lot and called names like Shamoo and free willy. I stayed home from school as much as possible and every grade the teaches wanted to hold me back despite the fact I was smarter than most of my peers (in middle school they even tried to put me in special ED). I even sometimes got beaten up. And not only did my peers treat me this way, many of my teaches treated me like crap as well. Being called a failure in front of your entire reading class is a really great way to make an already depressed kid want to go off the deep end. Then I'd go home to a mom who was depressed herself and had no idea how to cope with me. I was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder and put on SSI a few years after I dropped out. I had nightmares for years.

The unfortunate thing about being a kid with these problems is that you aren't equipt with the ability to articulate what you are feeling, what's going on in your head. This is probably why therapy isn't doing a whole lot of good. I'm sure he's depressed and anxious and feels like he doesn't have a voice. And if the therapist has never experienced childhood trauma herself, she only knows what she's read and been taught about it. Unless you've lived it, there's no way of knowing for sure. Also keep in mind that not all therapists are created equal. Mine were terrible and had no idea and didn't help a lick. Maybe you can try to get him to take up journaling? It's helped me a lot from an early age. If he's having problems articulating, maybe he could take the journal to his therapist so she could get better insight?

You also may want to try getting him involved in something that's less socially stressful, something more low key that doesn't involve a large group of jockish pubescent boys (they are the worst!). It's way harder for a kid with social probs to make friends in large groups. I still freeze up in large social situations... it's like stimulation overload. I've always made friends in small, intimate groups. He's probably very introverted, introverted people express themselves much more freely where there's less pressure to be extroverted.

I had the hardest time making friends, like your son, but despite all I went through I managed to make a few. I didn't make a real friend till I was 14... 12 years later she's still my best friend. For a long time she was the only friend I had other than pen pals (thats also a good suggestion... some of mine I still keep in contact with and have even met in person in recent years!). Even after moving to NYC It's taken me a few years to make close friends. But I did it! It's just really hard for some of us. Luckily your son has an edge over most kids who go through this. He has an understanding mom that's doing her best to help him. And the fact that he tries and is active is really something. That shows some strength right there. I really hope the best for him!

[wottesworthgurl]

I'm 12 years old, and I also have no friends. I have no friends due to me being shy. I am an athletic child also.

Get him involved in things out of school where he can meet more kids and it can be more relaxed..school is..school and well it sucks.

Groups, activities, something he's into and can meet other kids. YMCA? Sports in a next town over where he's less likely to know anyone? Kickboxing/Martial Arts class? (might even build more self esteem)Check the Craigslist Activities section..might find something in there.

Therapy isn't going to help it can make it worse like you've already noticed. They try and PUSH kids into putting themselves out there and they are bullied and humiliated again. It's not going to make kids like him. He needs some kind of group or something where he can interact more with other kids. Start over fresh with someone who hasn't heard about his "reputation" or whatever the problem is.