What is the right thing to say?

AAAAA · Jul 27, 2010 at 05:12 PM

My daughter will be a senior in college next year. She has been doing graduate level work for the last couple of years. She has glowing reviews from her professors, she has written a proposal for and received a grant to do her own experiment next year. It is all very impressive.

Here's the problem. Academically things have come easy to her, she's rarely had to put any effort into her studies at all and does very well. But once in a blue moon something presents itself to her that she actually has to work on, and she doesn't like it. She immediately wants to give up, she's not used to having to struggle with something.

She took some form of test today, I do not recall the name, but it will determine which grad schools she can attend. While she does not have the results yet, she is quite sure she did not do well. Consequently she is coming up with a "plan b", manual labor, that type of thing.

I know she's frustrated and I want to be sympathetic and supportive, but on the other hand, I want to let her know that you cannot expect to live your life having everything come easy to you. Sometimes you have to buckle down and work!

She had to travel quite a distance to take the test so she stayed with a friend from HS that lives in that area last night and will stay tonight as well. So far all I've said is that I have faith in you, you are far too intelligent to do manual labor the rest of your life, and we will wait and see what happens. I know my responses have frustrated her further.

perpetuallysad · Jul 27, 2010 at 05:37 PM

Actually, I think you said the right thing. If she screwed up on the test, unless it's something I've just never heard of before (something special to her field), she can actually take it again. Also, considering it's a big deal test, she probably feels as though she did worse than she thinks.

I struggle with similar things, though my son's only 9. I have been working on trying to get him to "stick with" things that are hard because like her, everything is usually easy for him. I've read your posts for almost a year now and you seem like an awesome parent. She's just scared. And you did the right thing.

I hope she did great! But if she didn't, remember to remind her that she's not finished because of one test!

lynn P. · Jul 27, 2010 at 05:45 PM

I think you're right AAAAA -she's not used to disappointment. But she does need to accept not everything is easy, even though she's smart. I think you're handling it well. She shouldn't get too discouraged in thinking her career plans are ruined though.

AAAAA · Jul 27, 2010 at 06:01 PM

Thank so much. She can retake the test, in fact I thought this was more of a practice run to give her an idea of what was on the test, but I think the difficulty surprised her. I'm not sure why. She can get into grad schools without it, but if she wants to get into the good ones, then she needs a minimum score on it.

I am a bit insecure about this area of our relationship. I know that each of my children is unique and has their own strengths and weaknesses. When she took an advanced math class as a junior in HS (well beyond my abilities) she hit one section and had difficulty and wanted to drop the class. It was half over! She had never taken a book home to study. At the time I told her that before I signed the slip allowing her to drop the class, she had to meet with her teacher for extra help and actually study for two weeks. If she felt the class was beyond her abilities at that time I would sign the drop slip.

Things might have been fine if I had simply left it at that. But I was so exasperated by her attitude that I added "I do not expect you to exceed at everything you do, but I do expect an honest effort before giving up. Your brother struggles for a minimum of three hours every night just to get through the basic classes, you can give up a couple hours of your social life to complete this class!"

She did complete the class and did well in it. She even gave me a bit of credit for making her stick to it. She did not have to take any math classes in college because "mom wouldn't let me drop that math class from hell."

I do not want to belittle her feelings. I understand very well how it feels to be disappointed, frustrated and scared. I just don't want her to give up her dream because she's afraid of failing.

Menu

My Support Forums - Mental Health Support Groups

Get emotional support and friendship from others like you!

What is the right thing to say?

My Support Forums