So sad for my grandson

I read this after your first post & thought I had replied.....then didn't see my reply when I read through here again catching up on what has been going on. Remember having internet problems at the time I thought I posted this.

Just wanted to let you know that my thoughts & prayers have been with you all along through this difficult (impossible) time.

I can truly understand your anger with the incompetence that exists, the cracks that are fallen through.....I was there when trying to deal with my Mother & sure understand how much anger builds when we realize how much that is written down isn't followed through on.

Hopefully they will redo the complete neuropsych testing while he's in the hospital. Probably a good idea for your grandson to go to another school at this point....at least he won't have the past haunting him & can maybe if they get him on meds that work, start afresh in the new school. Hopefully a school that will follow through on what they promise.

I have an acquaintance here (through a friend) who has a son that needed to be in a special school.....strangely, they couldn't find one in the United States that could provide the care that he needed & not sure if it was in Puerto Rico or Costa Rica where he spent years in school with trips home & trips there to visit. He just turned 18 & came back to the US....know that he still needs special care a still isn't able to control the outbreaks that tend to occur.

Hope that the testing will be able to show up something concrete that can be treated.

Will keep your grandson, you & your whole family in my prayers.

((((((((((((( eskie ))))))))))))))

Thanks my friend. Right now I'm just kind of without words. My mind has been zooming so much and it's tired.

It feels good though to not feel so alone in all of this. Having you and others here supporting me helps tremendously.

Thanks from the bottom of my

Well, we have another update.

Regarding that partial neuropsych testing done 5 years ago. It was determined that my grandson has ADHD and the doctor is starting him on Concerta tomorrow. They had this information for 5 freakin years and NEVER once told my daughter!!!!!!!!!! I am so mad I don't know what to do with myself right now.

Five years that this beautiful child didn't receive the right meds, 5 years that this child did not receive the proper assistance at school and the right IEP. Five years of scratching our heads because no one would listen to us. WTF??????????????????????????????

To even consider that if he were on the right medication, the times this child went into a rage and was arrested and had to go to court (and will again for the new charges) could possibly have been avoided and they never would have happened?????????????????????????

I want heads to roll on this. I think I will try to calm down a bit and write a letter to the head of the Hospital with my complaints and then I might call a lawyer. This to me is unacceptable and I will not take it lying down.

Sorry for the angries.....but I hope you can understand it.

(((Sabby and family))) I am so sorry this is happening to you.

You have every right to be angry. There is absolutely no excuse for the hospital not informing your daughter about the ADHD and partial neuropsych testing that was done. Or the fact that the school system did not follow his IEP.

I do hope that you get some questions answered. I also think you are right that people need to be held accountable for their actions (or in this case lack of action.) Wishing you the best.

Please know you are not alone. And feel free to vent. It helps to get it out. Many gentle hugs to you and your family.

((((sabby))))

I am so sorry that they were such jerks and did not tell you all what they had tested him on and that the school did not follow his right IEP. This is not acceptable at all and you have every right to write that letter and I think it would be good to talk to a lawyer.

The fact that so much of this could have been headed off or at least been helped through the right medications and having a worker with him at all times could very well have kept him calmer in that they could have detected when he began to feel himself getting anxious and done something to help him calm down or even get him to a place where there were no other people.

They have done him wrong and should be held accountable for this. Five years is a long time to make him go on without the help he deserves and should have had, the time that could have been helping him all along. Hopefully the concerta will help him and the other meds he is now on.

I hear the anger and I validate how you feel, you have every right to how you are feeling and your anger here is okay. Let it out, as holding it in is not good for you. We are standing right beside you and will hold you up as you are going through this with our support, encouragement, love, and just be here to listen as you can or need to talk and/or vent.

((((sabby)))) allow yourself to cry and feel that anger, you have every right to do so and I know it is weighing heavy on your heart. I am sure that if it was one of us going through it we would feel the same way. (And I could hear you saying to allow yourself to feel and cry). But remember to breath and to take those breaks for yourself to regroup and listen to your heart.

Know that we are listening and that we care. You are so loved by us all. Know that God is listening too and He is there with you through this. I know it is really bad but something will come of this good. Your grandson will now get the help he needs and deserves, and he will continue to grow and get better. He is a wonderful boy and he is so loved by many.

Your grandson has something very special going in his life----his grammie, who will do all she can for him and stand beside him all the way. His mother is there for him too and I know that she is doing all she can too. Determination and love can do things and he is so loved, and his grammie is so determined as are his mother, family, and thoe now working with him.

Please hang in there and keep posting and letting us know how he is doing and how you are doing. Know that I am here for you and love you very much. I send you and your grandson, and family many gentle hugs and loving thoughts. And many prayers are going up throughout this time for all of you and the doctors and mental health agency.

We are here for you. Always.

dps

Thank you so much for your support ((((((( PleaseHelp )))))))), it means the world to me. I've never been one to put much of my troubles on the forums. This is pretty out of character for me and it feels odd for me to do this. I've always taken a supportive role here at PC. Even though it feels odd for me, I am overwhelmed with the wonderful feelings of support and understanding from you and the others who have posted. I guess it's good for me to see what it's like on the other side of things here. Again, thank you very much!

Oh my dear dear friend ((((((((((( dps )))))))))))

You have no idea how much your support means to me. I know you love my grandson like he's one of your own and he loves you too! I'm sure that this situation bothers you about as much as it bothers me.

Yes dear, I will take your wonderful advice (now where have I heard it before??? LOL). I will breathe deeply and I will allow myself to feel what I need to feel. The administrators that will be getting my letter had better know that they will be very lucky that I breathe now and work through my emotions before I write to them. As a matter of fact I may just let them know how lucky they are. Even though I will work through my emotions first, don't think for one moment that I won't be putting them on the spot and they will know exactly what I think and how I feel. But the letter will be written strictly by "facts" and not emotions. They will not be able to say that I'm an emotional grandmother and just poopoo my letter.

Okay, I'm going to step away now as my face is getting read and I'm holding my breath.....I know what that means so I'll go take care of "me".

Again, thank you dear friend for all your love and support. I couldn't get through all of this without you and the other members here as well. Love you!

Well, grandson is still having some issues but his recovery time has been shortened by quite a bit so I think the meds are starting to help him a bit.

He had a horrible breakdown yesterday and screamed at the psychiatrist and called her a horrible horrible name, using a word that I totally despise. If I had been there when he called her this name he would have had an "attention getter" from me. I understand that he is a sick boy and that he has little control over some things, but what he called her yesterday is completely unacceptable and he needs to know that!

He started talking to me about the incident yesterday during our visit and I was quite impressed that even though he still thought he was not being treated fairly and was getting upset about it, he found a way to calm himself and drop the subject. I just hope he is able to discuss it in group or one on one with the psychiatrist so he can work through it.

He doesn't want to be there anymore....he's getting anxious because his birthday is next week and he wants to be home for it. I can't blame him there, but I told him that it depends on how well he does over the next few days and if the meds help him as well. He says he understands that, so that's good.

Onward and upward I hope!

Just an idea however would you think about offering him two birthdays ? If he has to stay in he can have some presents and a small family affair at the hospital then a larger party and more presents when he gets home. Which will give him something to look forward to.

I feel so sorry for the poor little lad I really do it must be such a confusing time for him.

I'm glad the meds seem to be helping some. You and your family are in my thoughts. I like Tishie's idea about the birthday.

(((((((((((((((Sabby))))))))))))))

I just found this thread and I'm so sorry for the struggles you and your family are facing.

I have a son who fell through the cracks and so understand. If you ever need an ear to listen, I'm here.

I sure understand about the cracks....my whole experience with my mothers cancer treatment was filled with nothing but cracks, social workers writing things down & never having any action follow. I can only remember the anger I was filled with at the time & even after & being too sick myself to know where to push or who to hold accountable.

I am so glad that you have no doubt in where the accountability lies....it's important to express it so that they can put something into place so that those kind of cracks are avoided by them in the future.

Sadly, it doesn't change what happened 5 years ago, but if this experience can change the future for others who will otherwise go through the same struggle as you have with this.....it's the best thing that can be done. It's important for what happened to be heard by those who can make a difference in the procedure in the future.

There is nothing wrong with anger when there is something that is seriously wrong......that kind of anger is good because it spurs action, action that is necessary in situations like this. Anger is only a problem when we continue to carry it long after we have taken the action & allow it to consume us for longer than is needed to get the right action taken.

It is so wonderful that your grandson has such a wonderful grandma that still holds him accountable for his actions in a very loving way. Shows him the right ways to show responsibility while filling the experience with love.

Praying that the med will do the work quick enough so that he can be out to enjoy his birthday at home, but knowing that your loving family will find a way to make it work out well for him, no matter how it ends up.

It's sad that your grandson went through the original meltdown & all the meltdown within the last 5 years.....but the good point about this one is that he now has all the care he needs to get & the correct Dx finally. If this last situation hadn't happened at school in the way that it did, he still would have been struggling even without experiencing any meltdowns.

I have always been thankful to God that he takes bad situations & can turn them into good outcomes.

Praying for your grandson, you & family for the meds to work quickly & perfectly for his stabalization & for a feeling of peace to surround you & sending you & very gentle 's

My grandson has been having his ups and downs while in the hospital. He's not really found a consistent level of calm (and maybe that may never really happen).

I was able to visit with him today for about an hour and a half. He was excited to see me and it was dinner time so he had his meal while visiting. His 12th birthday is tomorrow and I won't be able to see him so I brought a funny card and a double sized KitKat bar for him. He was really happy with that!

I'm not quite sure how we got on the subject, but we talked about his losses in his short life. He lost his dad a little over 2 years ago and then an uncle to suicide 7 months after his dad's accident. He was so very close to his uncle (more so than his dad I think). The family decided at that time that we would not tell my grandson how his uncle died. We knew he was having difficulties with his father's death from an accident, how could we tell him his uncle took his own life? Well, tonight he asked me straight forward if his uncle died from suicide. I had to be honest with him and told him yes. I don't think it's appropriate at this time to tell him how he took his life, he doesn't need to visualize that in his mind (which I know he would!).

I explained to him that the family knew how hard it had been for him when his dad died and we were trying to protect him from the difficulties of his uncles death. We weren't lying to him in order to hide things from him, we withheld the information in order to help him. Unfortunately for us, we again underestimated his intellect because he said he knew all along that's what had happened. I explained that our intent was good and it may or may not have been the right thing to do. Either way, it was done with good intentions and to help him, not hurt him.

He took all the information in. I told him that if he was feeling really sad or angry that he must talk with staff about it and not get riled up. I also told him it might be a good thing to talk with the doctor about it tomorrow as well. I have believed since these 2 men died that my grandson was not grieving in a healthy way and needed specific grief counseling. Damned community mental health facility didn't see it that way and did nothing for him. I'm so angry with them right now, it's a good thing it's not business hours!

Anyhow....it will be interesting to see how he deals with this information over the next few days, now that his ideas have been confirmed. I called his mother and his aunt to let them know that he knows the truth about his uncle now. I just hope that while he's hospitalized, they can start a good discussion with him about this.....he really needs to get it out!

*sigh* ............. and on we go................................................

I think if they can do some good grief counseling it will help him alot! I had wondered why he didn't get it when his dad died. poor kiddo.

I think it will help him a lot too. Hon, I have no idea why they didn't step up and give him specific grief counseling. Both daughter and I discussed it with the team MANY times. I guess it fell on deaf ears.

Lesson learned.....from now on we will YELL if we have to, no more falling through the cracks for this child.....the momma bear has been awakened and she is some freakin ticked off!

I know the feeling from my perspective regarding my son.
Hun... I'm so sorry you're all going through this very tough situation. Most of all I think of your grandson... a child confused and left alone with his own thoughts and worries.
It's so draining to fight for your child's rights and at the same time being the mother/grandmother supporting the child there and then. To look into a child's eyes and see the hurt is overwhelming... you just want to take the heavy weight off his/her shoulders. You FEEL so much!
I'm convinced that your daughter and you will do everything in your power to help your grandson find his way in life. The journey is rocky and hard to travel, but you'll get there... milestone after milestone.

((((((((((( sabby daughter grandson ))))))))))

HeartWhispers

I know you completely understand where I am right now and what we are fighting for hon. It's so sad that we have to be in the same boat together over something that shouldn't have to be fought for....it should be a given! The good thing is that we are in good company together, but I sure would rather have us together over something good.

We will both make it through and will be the best advocates for our children/grandchildren. It's our job and our responsibility and neither of us is shirking our responsibilities. We fight the good fight my friend!

Sabby - I hope they do get your grandson into grief counseling. I feel so bad for you and your family. It brings tears to my eyes when I read this. I am glad that you are sharing though. I wish I had a parent/grandparent who had stood up for me. I think you and your daughter are doing an awesome job. Keep up the good work.

Happy Birthday to your grandson.

Heart-whispers - I am sorry you are going through something similar. You are in my thoughts.

Thanks so much PleaseHelp! I wish you had a parent/grandparent stand up for you too. I wish everyone did, I think a lot of us would be in a heck of a better situation if we all did.

Thank you for the birthday wish, I will be sure to pass it along to grandson. My friend was able to visit him for a little bit today. She said he was in really good spirits (of course he has a one night pass to go home today!). She said he came running up to her and gave her a huge hug and kiss hello. He's so affectionate and loving and it's so hard to imagine him loosing it as he does when he's so loving and compassionate most of the time. I pray to God that his loving and compassionate side can win out over his uncontrollable anger and rage.

Oh, he told my friend today that he talked with me about his uncle's passing last night. She asked him if he understood things better and was feeling better about it all and he said he did and was feeling better. That brought tears to my eyes, especially to think that he'd been holding all this in for 2 years now. I give him a lot of credit for bring it up and talking about it with me. I'm sure he was nervous and scared to do that. I'm just so proud of him!

I love the way you communicated that information with your grandson....shows the loving kindness behind the reasoning which was very important so that he wouldn't feel anger about that on top of possibly anger at what his uncle did. Think it was also wise to not give him the details....no need for him to have that in his mind to think on or maybe even make plans of his own with if or when he might get into a bad place some day.

Holding that in for a long 2 years had to generate anger. Just wondering????did his anger side come out before his dad's death or only since....might indicate that all the anger inside has come from not being able to deal with the grief.

Was also wondering if it might not be a good idea to make sure that the hospital does know & puts it in his records that he just learned this information. Know you told him to talk to them about it.....which is good to give him that responsibility.....but wondering if they might not need to know to help him work through that ability to get the communication about it started. Sometimes information like that gets stuck in the head & it's hard to talk about it with a new pdoc or T. Just to make sure it doesn't fall through the cracks while he's in the hospital, which should be a good place for him to be able to have the support any time of the day he might find the need for support with his thoughts. At least he should be surrounded by supportive & understanding staff to help him through this also.

I can relate to how not being able to deal with grief can really spur on anger....know that with all I went through in my mothers death....my psychologist, pdoc, & the medical hospital I was in along with the hospice care just couldn't help me deal with all the trauma that was involved...but at least I was able to express myself....but the anger grew & grew because of everything that people let slip through the cracks & caused the trauma to happen & the helpless position I was put in because of it. I can only imagine the kind of anger your grandson has to have built up inside having not talked about it at all for that long...think I would just be exploding from inside. So glad he was able to ask you about it....a good sign that he is more open to opening up about it at least with close family.....very good sigh IMO.

Glad he had a good birthday & a pass to go home for it.....gee, when I was in the hospital during several of my bdays, never got anything special like that....that has to make him feel special also. Please send special birthday wishes to your Grandson from me.....He is a very special boy. Sure that when he works through what is causing his anger, things will really start to make a turn around in his life.

Sending special 's & to you & your grandson & family & prayers for a new path to begin.