Your Opinion? (Very Long)

A co-worker asked my advice on something and I have been avoiding her and the issue. I have a definite opinion, but everyone has different parenting styles so I thought I’d ask your opinion before I say anything.

This woman had a change of life baby at 42. He is her first and only child and is currently 12 or 13. Neither the father, nor any of his family have ever been a part of his life. The mom has some boundary issues; as in she doesn’t have any. I’ve asked her many times to call before she comes over here. I have never invited her, but she’s stopped over many times. She frequently fishes for an invitation. I feel sorry for her but she’s the type that will just never leave you alone. Plus, I find her strange. Some of her behavior would definitely qualify for stalking. I don’t think she means any harm, I think she’s just desperate for companionship.

She will frequently make inappropriate comments to us without even realizing how inappropriate they are. Some concerning her son, other times they are just…thoughtless and/or stupid. An example not regarding her son: recently our GM’s DIL went into labor at 22 weeks gestation. Instead of asking how they were doing, this co-worker said “hey, did ____ lose that baby yet?” She was actually surprised when the GM went off on her.

The comments about her son are creepy, (trigger warning) but I am confident there is no sexual abuse involved, the woman just does not realize that this is not “normal” behavior. Things like examining him for pubic hair. Or once the son was at the doctor’s office and found the nurse attractive. Long story short she told the nurse in front of the boy that because he’d found the nurse attractive he got an erection. She acts quite young for her age, trying very hard to be that “cool” mom.

Our local day care center does not have a category for children over 12 that are not special needs. She had always gotten subsidized daycare and when he turned 12 ½ he no longer qualified. The building next door is run by the same organization and is a teen center and has a program for latch key kids that age. But he does not like it and does not want to participate.

Spring break was going to be the first time he was “on his own” all day. He called her at work and he was crying hysterically, he said he was hungry. Long story short, he didn’t want a PB&J, or soup, or cereal, or any of the other things she told him to eat. Nor did he want to walk the half a block to McDonalds saying it was too cold outside. This is literally around the corner and four buildings down from where they live. He has to walk four times that distance to school every morning. What he wanted was for her to get off of work, pick him up and drive him to McDonalds, which she did.

At the time she got a great deal of grief from our co-workers. We were extremely busy, she was on the phone trying to calm him down for over a half hour before our manager finally told her just to take her break and do what she has to do. She was complaining about our co-worker’s attitudes to me. I didn’t know it at the time, but the boy was sitting in her car waiting the four hours for her to get off work.

This woman irritates me beyond belief. I feel unkind when I deal with her because she does not take a hint. You have to be blunt to the point of rudeness with her. I think I showed a great deal of restraint that day. I said “you are not doing him any favors by letting him manipulate you like that. You are the parent and have to make a decision. He obviously is not ready to be left on his own so either he goes to the Youth Center or stays with Grandma. Being the parent sometimes means you have to make the hard choices that are not the popular ones.”

WHEW, still with me?

The sixth grade class goes to a camp every year and they have since I was in school. They learn first aid, get their hunting safety certificate, boating safety certificate, and learn different outdoor survival techniques. The school strongly encourages participation, (although there are other things to do if you are not interested in hunting or boating). They put on a play for parent’s night, and use that time to select elective classes for the following year as well as recruiting for sports and clubs available to the Jr. High kids. The school will even pay the fee for the camp, and they make it very undesirable not to participate. Since the teachers are all out at the camp holding classes, if a child does not go they sit in study hall all day and write book reports (although I have never heard of anyone not going).

They don’t just throw them out there either. The school therapist, guidance counselors, and teachers put a great deal of thought into who goes into which cabin etc. Those dominant cliques are separated for that week. They do not share any classes, living areas or eating times. On the other hand, the shy kids are intentionally kept together for support. This was the first time my twins ever went a week without speaking to each other. The entire year there are meetings for parents, staff and students about what to expect etc.

ANYWAY the son left for camp yesterday morning, she was late for work to see him off (justifiable in my opinion, but she should have found coverage). Yesterday afternoon she left work early to go pick him up from camp. He’d worked himself up so much that he made himself sick. I do not know if he was literally sick, she said by the time she got out there he’d “gotten out of his system and a night in his own bed made him feel much better”. Today she was late because she was bringing him back out to camp. He thought that he’d be able to stay home from school the rest of the week. Apparently the school does have an itinerary in case kids decide to come home or get kicked out for bad behavior.

Today she said “what was I supposed to do, just leave him out there?” At first I thought it was rhetorical and just kind of smiled at her and walked away. She followed me and asked what I thought.

I don’t know why she’s asking me. I THINK that she babies that kid, not spoils him, but treats him like a baby. She talks baby talk to him, still picks out his clothes every day etc. He uses that to his advantage. We had a meeting at work that she brought him to. He said he had to use the bathroom, she said “you know where the bathroom is go use it.” Since she would not walk him the 20 feet to the bathroom he sat there and peed his pants! He’s done it to get out of school as well. He’ll call her at work because he wants to get out of school. On the rare occasions she tells him he has to stay, 10 minutes later the phone will ring again and he’s peed his pants so she has to go to school to pick him up. I know that the school has investigated these issues. I also think that her social awkwardness means he is the only person she spends time with other than her parents; creating imo an unhealthy crutch for the two of them. But who am I to say anything? I think they both need professional help. I think sharing my opinion with her will only hurt her feelings and if the school professionals haven’t been able to reach her, how will my honest opinion make a difference?

I agree with everything you said about your coworkers parenting skills. She definitely has problems with parenting and socializing herself -seems like a very bold person. Whether to give her your honest opinion, depends on how much she asks you, but if I were you, I would tighten up your boundaries. If she comes without being invited, tell her not to do that and when she gives TMI, call her on it.

I agree it's very weird to discuss looking for her son's puberty signs and speaking about his erections with the nurse -talk about embarrassment - it's hard to tell if she's really concerned or just bragging that her son's a normal functioning boy. I have daughters and I wasn't about to examine my child for signs of puberty.

How much you tell her depends on whether she'll handle the info or hold a grudge, where this could affect your working relationship. If you're not worried then you could tell her, you're not into the friendship and she'll back off.

Her parenting style sounds like a mix of 'helicopter parent', 'I'm your best buddy parent' and some dysfunction scattered in there. You're right about being isolated and her hovering/enabling/lack of boundaries as a parent has affected the way this young man is and how he struggles. She involves you and other workers because deep inside she needs validation probably, even though she's not looking for disagreement. So you're right in your assumptions, but you really should be honest and set boundaries. Do you know why she's alienated with her family?

I'm sorry if I was difficult to understand. She still has contact with her parents. In fact I cannot think of anyone else that she interacts with socially other than her son and her parents.

She is a very odd woman. A couple of weeks ago another co-worker and I were talking about my "puppy". We had just taken the pup in for a check up and she weighed in at 80lbs. The woman I was talking to was surprised because she had not seen her in a couple of months and did not realize she'd gotten so big. This co-worker jumped in to the conversation and said "oh yeah! The last time I was there she was so huge I couldn't believe my eyes!" She made it sound like she came over for coffee all of the time.

I was stunned. She'd made comment before like seeing me doing yardwork or other outside things. But she has NEVER to my knowledge been inside the house. She stopped over when we first started working together and my husband told her I was not at home. I asked her at that time to make sure she called before coming over. She does not have my number to call! She flat out asked if she could come over a couple of times. Luckily I actually had things going on.

Aww yes I see I read it wrong AAAAA - it was his parent/family they don't see. Maybe she wishes she could be like you and sees you as a well liked person. Sounds like she always tries to bring the attention back to her and she wants to be included in conversations

Wow! Sounds like there are some serious issues there. A 12 year old that pees his pants to get out of stuff? Something is seriously wrong with that. They both really need some therapy or something.