16 year old lost his friends

My son is 16, an only child, bright and introverted. He gets along with adults and has had trouble in the past at making and keeping friends. He goes to a small school and in 8th grade he decided to sit with the jocks because he played football and it was the group he felt that he fit in the best. One boy that he knew from grade school started to talk behind my son's back to get the other boys to dislike my son. Instead of dealing with this kid ( he is very small and mouthy), my son chose to ignore him and the talk. Eventually all the other boys sided with the mouthy boy. Even though my son stopped getting invited to parties with these kids, he still sat with them at games and school functions which infuriated the mouthy boy.
My son eventually started hanging out with other boys and was building friendships with some of them. The popular mouthy boy ended up in some of the other boy's classes and started bad mouthing my son again. This time, even his friends of 2 years stopped talking to him and started to talk about him. They also are starting to drink alcohol and they know that my son is totally against it, (which we're very proud of) so that makes him more "lame" in their eyes.
Because of his school size, no one wants to hang out with him, it's like "the kiss of death". Even kids from neighboring schools have "heard about him". Everyone has excuses and are busy when he calls. He still goes to parties when he's invited and continues to converse with the kids that bad mouth him. He refuses to confront any of them and when asked about the situation he always says "I don't care".
We thought that it was a self esteem issue, so for the last 9 months he has been taking MMA training (Mixed Martial Arts), which he loves and his trainer said that we don't need to worry about him and self defense. He is also quarterback of his football team. We're really proud of his determination, his maturity and loving nature. He's a great kid. My husband is tired of kids talking behind his back (never to his face) and wants him to stick up for himself (but he doesn't push the issue with him). He feels that he's too naive and trusting. I'm just totally at a loss at how to help him or if he needs help. I can tell that he misses his friends but he doesn't talk much about it. There's a philosophy that states....What you think of me is none of my business.... I don't know if this is what he's doing. He knows that we both love him and are here for him. I really wish that we could do more.....

Hey Zilw,

Wow your Son is VERY strong to deal with all of this. I know when I was being bullied in Primary School I was bullied from the ages of 8-12 I found it really hard and was like your Son in ways. Does your Son have any friends at all?? If he does then maybe just stick with them... even though they may be few and far between. Kids today think they have the right to dish a lot of things especially people who stand up for instance the no drinking that your Son has stuck by. Your Son is not intimidated by them and that shows sheer maturity on his part as well as you and your Husband's.

I hope others come and reply and I hope the best for your Son

Thanks Miss Laura,
He has acquaintances from MMA but no one who he can hang out with. Summer is coming and I think he's going to be in for a long one. It really breaks my heart to see him alone. He will be working a few days a week, but not with people. Other than trying to get him to volunteer somewhere, I'm at a loss.

Hi Zilw.

I have an eighth grader who'll FORTUNATELY be in high school next year, and they say that high schoolers don't care about that nonsense. My daughter's navigated it all by the skin of her teeth, and we talk a LOT about the nastiness of human nature and small-thinking, and she knows it's something she can't control. But once in a while it all wells up and she'll just come home and cry and cry. I do my very best (but it's exhausting) to keep her involved in extracurricular activites with kids her age - it breaks up all that hierarchical stuff and when it's something she loves and is good at, it boosts/maintains her self-esteem. I think getting your son involved in martial arts was a wonderful idea. In that setting he's not limited by all the junk-structure that was set up before he got there. And if the school's a good one, the parents are smart, and they're usually smart enough to pour a lot of skilled effort in puffing themselves up through their own kids, but not smart enough to realize how hurtful their behavior is. Good luck. Let us know how it's coming. And thank you for sharing - I feel less alone fighting that battle!

if it was one thing i wish i was told when i was younger it would be that ... no one matters in school. all the people are so insignificant compared to the whole world. they are nothing! what they say or do means nothing. i was tormented since the 2nd grade all the way till i graduated minus the years i did online school since i had so many abscences. Hang in there somehow cause it only gets better! oh how i wish someone would have said those words to me. all those years of taking what the kids had to say to heart cause i thought that's all that mattered. i just hope i can instill more self confidence in my son.

You are SO right Racee - if we can only hang on long enough to discover it. I realize it every day - what people think of me has absolutely (or CAN have absolutely) no significance over my life and what I achieve/experience. We have ABSOLUTELY no control over what people conclude about us - and trying to control their conclusions is a very human vortex and SUCH a waste of one's life energy!

Thanks for the kind words. It hasn't been the best summer so far. My son has been invited to a few graduation parties but other than that, he's been pretty much alone. It totally breaks my heart. He has to weight lift for football but he needs a buddy to motivate him and help him with form. He went with a couple of his "old" friends a few times and was feeling pretty good about everything but now they're finding reasons why he can't come with them. It's like, they've talked too much trash about him and are embarrassed to be seen with him. And of course, they talk about all the fun stuff they've done all summer in front of him. He finally broke down the other night and cried and said all he wants is his life back. I'm so lost and so is he. He is the target at his school and it's really difficult to watch.

((((((((zilw and son)))))

How heartbreaking all this is. Kids are notoriously mean to each other. Sounds like your son is indeed a target, but because these other kids are jealous. It's part of growing up to learn how to deal with this kind of behavior, but he is staying strong and will get through it.

We put my son in a small, private school for 8th-10th grade and he was eventually shunned, partly because we live in very modest home and word got around we are "poor". Even the parents made comments to my daughter (everyone, and I mean everyone was wealthy except the few on scholarship). Though he tried hard at sports, the one he is good at wasn't offered there. So no luck.

We are very concerned about his self esteem, and he agreed to go to a therapist. This has helped markedly. She has helped him recover, and they are working on coping skills, though he still has a hard time making friends with boys. We moved him to a bigger public school and the diversity there helped alot, too.

I don't think he'll ever be a "man's man" but he is more comfortable in his own skin.