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Jul 24, 2011 at 10:16 PM
The quoted material is from Dr. Jim Taylor's Blog:
Quote:
The question that you have to ask yourself is: How do we figure out what right messages are? Before I share with you a process you can use to flesh out those messages, I thought that you might find it interesting to learn of the findings of a survey of children four to 11 years old who were asked what they wanted from their parents. First, they wanted more attention from their parents and to be more available. The children wished they had more solo time with each parent and could choose what they did with them. They said that they definitely wanted rules even though they often resist them. The children in the survey wanted their parents to protect and love them in more noticeable ways, so they felt safer in a world in which they feel out of control. For example, they really liked spontaneous expressions of love and being checked on at night. These children did not like being yelled at by their parents. Finally, they said that they enjoyed “family rituals, routines, and predictability.” As the saying goes, “Out of the mouths of babes…”
In-depth discussions about parenting philosophies and styles should be prerequisites, ideally, before couples have children (or even before they get married), but, realistically, if you have these conversations any time before your children reach toddlerhood, you are ahead of the game compared to most parents. In my practice and my group of friends with children, I’m amazed at how little discussion there is about parenting approaches and the lack of consensus that many couples have in how they want to raise their children.
A good place to begin these discussions is to share each of your own experiences as children since most of us either copy or try to do the opposite of what our parents did with us. Examine what messages each of you received as children, how those messages played out in the formation of who you are in adulthood, and how they might impact your being a parent:
What was the emotional tone and style of your family life when you were a child, for example, was it calm and reserved or expressive and chaotic?
What values were expressed in your family, such as faith, charity, achievement, or fitness?
What attitudes or beliefs were evident in your family, for example, humility, compassion, hope?
What activities and experiences did your family share, for instance, sports, games, or gardening?
What healthy messages did you receive as a child that you want to pass along to your children?
What unhealthy messages did you receive as a child that you don’t want your children to get?
Note that I used rather positive examples, but the above list could just as easily include anger, bigotry, selfishness, and alcohol abuse.
Then, talk about the messages that each of you believe are most important to instill in your children. Ask yourselves the following questions:
What values do you most want to instill in your children?
What beliefs about themselves do you want your children to ingrain?
What attitudes toward others and the world do you want your children to develop?
What values, beliefs, and attitudes do you want to protect your children from?
What activities and experiences can you share with your children to communicate healthy messages and obviate the unhealthy messages?
Of course, these discussions won’t conclude in one sitting, but rather should be an ongoing conversation as you gain new information and perspectives, have fresh ideas, your positions shift, and the messages that you value most become clarified and prioritized. Your goal is to establish an agreed-upon set of messages and create a powerful and united front that will increase the chances of your children getting the messages that you want them to get. http://drjimtaylor.com/blog/2011/07/...your-children/
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While my parents did talk about childhood experiences, I do not think they talked about what they felt was important to pass along to their children. We learned by example and by being punished for what we learned was considered bad behavior as it arose. I doubt my parents ever reached a consensus on how to raise us. The lack of consensus was problematical.
What messages did your parents send to you?
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