[strawberrybiks]

Hi, My ex has alienated my children against me over the last 6 years. My twelve year olds behaviour is unmanagable and she hates me. I have no more money or energy to throw at fighting it in courts etc. I have read around but wondered if anyone who had themselves been alienated against a parent could offer any advice? Is there any thing I can do or say to my daughter to help her to realise what her Dad is doing?
Please help if you have any ideas. feel like giving up but know I mustn't.
thanks

[Justamom57]

Your post sounds as if I wrote it. I sure understand, & have been there. Sorry, I know the pain. I have been looking for help, & reading, for 12 years. I tried to take the high ground.

This is what has brought me to this forum; as my son is now 19, & it is of my worse fears.
Sorry I am not of more help.

[AAAAA]

I have no experience with what you are speaking of with the ex, but I do know that each one of my kids have gone through a period of "hating me", usually at that age. They start having to deal with hormones, and that is just plain miserable. And the easiest target to strike out at is mom.

My advice would be to tell your daughter that you love her unconditionally. You love her enough to make the hard decisions even though they make her dislike you at the moment. That you understand that this is a difficult time for her and that once things start leveling out (or she matures) that you will still be there with that unconditional love and all with be forgiven and forgotten. I also told my kids that I was human and made mistakes, but every single decision that I have made has been out of love. I was placed on this planet to be their parent first and formost. It is not always possible to be their friend (especially in the teen/ early 20 years). I tell my children, 18 - 25, that they will learn two things when they have chilren of their own. 1) Until that time they will never truly comprehend how very much I have always loved them until they hold their own child in their arms. And 2) they will be amazed at the restraint that their father and I have shown over the years. I very much look forward to those calls "how did you ever deal with..."

In the mean time, don't get caught up with that battle with dad. Kids that age like to play both sides against the middle anyway. Every day continue to raise her with love. Only time and maturity will teach her what a great mother you have been.

Years ago I had a very devout Mormon friend. My children were all toddlers at the time so I did not understand the wisdom of her words then. She was never one to complain about her children or anything for that matter. She always had something positive to say no matter what was going on. Every cloud had a silver lining. Her name was Joy and it suited her. One day she was visibly distressed. I said "Joy, I can see you are upset, is there something I can do?" She thought for a few minutes and her smile came back. She said "I have just realized that God gives parents the teenage years so that they will be able to let their children go." I have never heard truer words spoken.