[SeptemberMorn]

How do you break a child, ages between 9-12, from lying? These are my grandchildren and I've been discussing punishment with my son. I've explained to my grandkids that they loose the trust of the people they lie to, but apparently it didn't sink in.

My son is thinking of dumping about 1/4 of a cup of water on their faces when it's time to wake them up. I don't think the punishment fits the crime but I don't think it's cruel and unjust.

Has anyone out there come up with something that works that isn't spanking?

Any suggestions welcome.

[Sabrina]

I found my son would lie frequently when he was that age. If I caught him in a lie I would take away an item or toy that meant a lot to him for about a week. I would explain why I was taking it and explain again when I returned it. Removing privileges may work as well.

I can't see that dumping water on their faces will help. What a horrible way to wake up and the child won't even realize what is going on.

[PleaseHelp]

Grr. Just lost my post. I'll try again.

We do the same thing as Sabrina. Its a bit harder b/c we only have them e/o weekend. When we hear that one or both have been lying at their mom's we discuss that too. We stress to them that if they lie they break trust. Also one thing that has worked a bit better is telling them that if they would tell us what happened in the first place they might get in some trouble. However, if we find out that they lied about something they would be in a lot more trouble than if they had just been honest with us in the first place. Besides taking toys away, we've taken privileges. Like if they were suppose to spend time with their cousins, they aren't allowed to. If its only one that was lying then she has to stay home while the other one can go play.

I agree with Sabrina. How is pouring water on them to wake them up going to help with the lying? And I definitely wouldn't want to be woken up that way.

[nicoleb2]

Taking away toys/priviledges usually works for us. and if it happens more frequently, larger consequences should happen

[SeptemberMorn]

Thanks, everybody. All of the above has been tried already. I had a long talk with my 12 yr old granddaughter about loosing trust and her 9 yr old brother was listening.

Both kids are grounded right now, no TV, no cell phone and no DS for the 9 yr old that is addicted to it. My son is seriously thinking of not giving it back at all.

I'll be seeing them today and I'll repeat my talk about loosing trust. Maybe I'll make it a little more graphic this time; put them in the place of the one being lied to.

When my kids lied to me, they got spankings, but Mother doesn't want Dad spanking. My son has told his kids, like I used to tell mine, that if they are honest, they would most likely not get in trouble, the bonus for honesty. It's the lying that gets them in trouble.

I just don't get it why kids lie. Do ya'll think it's an age thing?

Definitely an age thing, but is crazy making while they go through that stage. Our eldest son was the worst about it. We finally found catching him being honest and showing him that we weren't going to explode if he was just straight with us was what ultimately got him to turn around. That didn't mean there weren't consequences for his mistakes, but we made sure to discuss his errors calmly and to make those consequences logical and reasonable.

The best after effect was that when his younger brothers reached that stage, he told them how much easier life is if they just stay straight with us. They took his advice to heart, and while we haven't been completely lie free, it has been not nearly the problem we had with our eldest.

[SeptemberMorn]

Thanks, Chris! I will discuss this with my son and his wife. I talked with them today and thankfully, my son hasn't been dumping water on them to wake them up.

[cocos421]

My 12 year old stepdaughter recently lied to us. My husband had a long conversation with her about losing trust. We also took away TV, laptop, cell phone and her cherished iPod. For one month. She also has been fighting on Facebook and using the B word. I told her for that, she will get seperate punishment from me. I had her pick up dog poop in the front yard.She felt like people would drive by and see her, But she did it without compaining much. Since being grounded, she has been in a fairly good mood and good. Nothing seems to bother her when we ground her. She says she doesnt care. So I don't know if this will stop the lying or not.

[zbmom]

I think by making it clear that if they lie the punishment will be MUCH worse. I really like the strategy of putting the choices back on the kids. "By choosing to lie you are choosing to not have access to the car for a week" or whatever consequence. Make sure they know the consequences for their actions, and make sure it is massively worse if they lie. Grounding doesn't work unless you make it boring, basically turn her into the house slave and take away tv, computer, cell phone privileges so she has nothing to do. Or even sign them up for community service (if it's a teen).

[Kant]

I agree, that making the punishment for lying much worse then the punishment for the offense a alone, is a key part of an successful strategy. If the kids continue to lie, even when it is clear they understand the wrath that awaits them for getting caught behaving that way, it could be time to find an uninterested third party for kids to talk to. So many things could lie beneath the lies. Some kids lie to be defiant and just fight their parents wishes in any way they can, but most kids lie because they think that lying it is easier than telling the truth and facing the consequences.