My teenager and Sex in My Basement

Help! I caught my 15yo son humping his first girlfriend in the cellar while we were right upstairs. We've had the sex talk with him 100 times and he swore he would tell us when they started talking about sex. Not!

I know they are gonna do it regardless and we have told him we just want to make sure he is protected if he does it but we've also told him that we think he's too young.

Her parents allow them NO privacy and this is how he rewards our trust.

So, I suppose I was naive to believe he`d tell us but he's a very good kid otherwise. They were using a condom. Obviously, they will get no more alone time at my house but we're struggling with what to do with them. Should he be punished? Should we tell her parents?
He's our first to have sex. So, I feel a bit like we just lost our parenting virginity and it wasn`t a very pleasant experience.

What should we do?

If it were me and he were my son I'd let him have sex with his GF in my house. He's going to do it anyway. Isn't it better he does it in a safe enviroment? Also he seems a sensible kid using comdoms.

First, do not allow teenagers that much privacy. They will take advantage of it each and every time. Second, I do think her parents need to know that their daughter is sexually active, if for no other reason than they can make their own parenting decisions about birth control or whether she will be allowed to see your son again or not. Don't feel guilty if they choose to have her stop seeing him. It would probably be for the best; they're only 15 after all.

Some may say that is too intrusive, but sorry, if I was the parent of a girl and her boyfriend's parents had knowledge about their sexual activity and didn't let me know, I'd be livid. The possible consequences down the road are FAR too serious and life-changing. These are minors; their right to privacy only goes so far since if a baby or a sexually transmitted disease results, it is the parents who end up dealing with the aftermath. Until my sons are out of the house, paying their own bills and insurance, etc., I WILL have some say so in their activities. I see too many teenagers day in and day out who are parents much too young or are undergoing treatment for STD's.

I have three teenaged sons and I teach high schoolers. They need clear boundaries about these things. I do not allow my sons access to computers unless they are in the living room with us where we can monitor what they are viewing. I do not allow my sons access to smartphones that would give them that kind of access. They are not allowed FB accounts as I have witnessed too many problems with cyberbullying and inappropriate conversations/photos, etc. on social media. Strict. Absolutely. That is my job. I am the parent. So if they have friends over, male or female, all doors are open and they are preferably in the living room or dining room where we can monitor what is going on. They don't mind that. We really know their friends; their friends enjoy us; and, we don't have to worry about what might be going on behind closed doors.

You DO have control over what your teenagers are doing, where they are going, and who they are seeing. The kids I see getting into serious trouble, be it sex, alcohol, drugs, theft, etc. are the ones whose parents want to be "cool" and "friends" and pretty much give their kids far too much freedom before they are really emotionally and developmentally equipped to handle that much freedom. My kids are actively involved in school activities and church activities. That is where we prefer them to spend their time socially as at least most of the parents also involved in those activities share the same values and diligence in keeping their kids supervised. I don't allow my kids to go to parties with random people from school; I don't know their parents and there have been far too many cases of these parties involving alcohol, drugs, and sex. This isn't paranoia; I hear about this daily directly from students. Not the environment I choose to expose my sons to.

My sons have plenty of friends through their activities and spend time with them through those activities, supervised by responsible adults. It has worked well for them. My oldest is now 23 and thanks us for having been parents rather than friends. He's told us the stories of the sex and drugs that his classmates were exposed to constantly because they were given free rein to do as they wished. When he was older and in a steady relationship, he and his girlfriend were responsible about it and respectful of each other. He was never tempted to abuse alcohol or drugs; in fact, he said he was never even approached about them because fellow students have sixth sense about who is fair game and who is above that sort of foolishness.

Be a parent, not a friend. Kids I work with appreciate the parents who have clear and fair boundaries. The ones without boundaries are often out of control at home and don't know how to work within healthy boundaries when they encounter them at school. What we do find is that once they know where the line is, they will stay within in it IF we are consistent about it. Boundaries can be consistent and fair without being uncomfortable and invasive. The trick is to set those boundaries early; back tracking and trying to tighten them down later will always be met with argument. A lack of boundaries all-together is a recipe for disaster.

Chris! My daughter's only 8 so havent been doing this long, but I believe we should parent, and guide,not be the cool buddy with the 'its out of my control' attitude. If we didnt have control over our kids, there'd be no point in parenting, they can raise themselves then... Children are opportunists, if you take away opportunity... To the OP, if it was my daughter, I'd want to know exactly what I was dealing with, and not be the only suprized party when she comes home pregnant...

Kind of a double edged sword. I agree with a lot of what farmergirl said...on the other hand when kids decide they are going to have sex, nothing much will stop them. I was a kid once. Open lines of communication are so important but boundaries and respecting the rules of the house are important too. Follow your instincts and know there are consequences to all actions and be prepared for them. Good luck

I have the same parenting style as Farmergirl. Agree you should contact the girls parents in the right way. Your son and the girl need to understand condoms can break and if she's underage the parents could make a fuss about your son having sex. I have an almost 15 yr old and she's not permitted to have a boy over or go to a boys house. Our computers are in the main living area as well. She sees couples break up after 2 weeks and doesn't want to end up feeling used.

There's also emotional risks getting involved with adult behaviors too young. So many young people at my daughters high school are obsessed or upset at relationship breakups and this sidetracks them from concentrating on their education. Don't allow your son privacy with this girl in your home. He needs to know condoms break and he doesn't want to be a 15 yr old father. Have you had the STD talk with him?

Believe me, I know.he needs to be my son and not my buddy. Im not about to tell him it`s ok to make my cellar his love shack but I also know that if I blow up his world, he`ll never trust us and tell us anything and we could lose the things we do have under control. Now, he tells us a lot. He does.not drink or do drugs. He gets good grades and hangs with a.like crowd but, this first love thing needs to be handled delicately.In the meantime, he is definitely on lock down.

I would say definitely tell the girlfriends parents. They need to know so if they haven't had an in depth conversation with her, they can, and can get her on birth control. It is true that if the kids are determined, they will find a way, but that doesn't mean you should make it easy for them. I know you are worried about losing your relationship with your son, but I think you really need to have another sit down with him. Talk to him about how you had trusted him and since he decided to go behind your back it is going to take him a long time to earn that trust again. Good job at setting bounderies though.

Just remember, you aren't talking about blowing up an engagement or long-term relationship. You are talking about stopping a 15 year old from humping his girlfriend and possibly landing you with a grandchild. This isn't true love; this is teenage lust. It is doubtful this "relationship" would last that long in the first place; that's just the nature of teenage relationships for the most part. This is NOT going to completely break his trust in you. After all, it is HE who broke the trust here, not you. Don't forget that. Don't take on the blame that should truly be on HIS shoulders.

Also, the girl needs a Pap smear now that she is sexually active. I am not judging the kids, but no one knows where either of them has been, so either one of them could have HPV (Human Pappiloma Virus) and not know it. Of course, the male will "just" carry it. She may "just" get cervical cancer. Now a life may be in jeoporday. I would keep that in mind when I consider having a discussion with all parents with/without kids. If the kids want to act like adults then they should be able to have adult conversations.

I would guess 60% of the Paps I do on teens that claim they have had only one sexual encounter test positive for HPV. They have NO IDEA what that means for them. They cannot comprehend what it means at that age.

And, know what the law in your state is pertaining to rape/sexual assault/indecency with a child.

Your son needs an STI test including a swab for certain STI. You need to sit down to talk about STI, Statutory rape age , contraceptives that you believe in, appropriate sexually activities both for himself and w. others and boundaries. Please, please explain that oral has the possibility of STI and cancer risks to females. Get him condoms.

I don't think he has to be punished but he needs new boundaries and the consequences. If you have a 2-story don't allow him upstairs with his GF and doors open at all times. You may want to have him volunteer in a place that deal with the consequences of those actions. You may want to look into getting him a part-time take 'child support' to save about 25% for him. My son does not have a door and he never will.

As far as her parents I would urge her to go to the doctor and tell her parents. I would wait until they are caught again. If you do choose to tell them do it in person.

Good

Well, a lot of what needs to be said has already been addressed, I think...I'm not a parent, thus I lack the perspective for telling you what I think you should do with your son. No experience there. I did want to prepare you though for telling her parents, if you decide to do so (I think you probably should...he's not going to like you for it though. He doesn't really HAVE to like you for it, but...I'll get back to it), you should be ready. I'd imagine they're likely going to be a hair PO'd...not just at him, but at you. Expect the "Why weren't you watching them?" line. I don't think you really did anything wrong, nor do you really warrant the use of that line, but I'd expect a less than happy reaction. I was 15 four years ago, and while I never did this, I had friends. Friends talk. For better or worse, we (teens) are crafty and resourceful. I know I still am...I just don't feel much of a need to utilize it.

I don't mean to scare you or make an already difficult and awkward situation worse. But I'd rather offer what I think you need to prepare for than you be blindsided. Ultimately, he isn't going to be thrilled about whatever outcome is taken...but (channeling my parents here) at times, it's better for them to be mad at you for awhile for ruining their "love life" than it is to chance the risks. One day he will thank you for it.

If you'd like, I can offer my perspective...I feel a little out of place not being a parent, and I don't often post on this subsection. I noticed your topic title and thought I might could lend a hand though.

My best to you, and I wish you luck.

-Harley

How'd it all turn out?

Good. Not all resolved but mostly resolved and controlled (as much as teenage hormones can be). The girl told her parents on her own and they're upset but very understanding. These are good kids but they're in love and hormones are raging. Both moms are nurses and know well what the logical/medical course of action is.

Our remaining problem is still just the trust issue and how to recover that with our son. We told him ahead of time that we understood all of this. That he just had to talk to us and he didn't. He's apologized 1000 times but it's going to take some time before we truly trust him again. In the meantime, they're privacy is limited to their phone conversations and nurse moms are meeting tomorrow to form a "plan of attack" over lunch. Chastity belt & salt-peter are NOT being ruled out!

LOL Bighands

When my son was that age, I told him to be very careful because birth control can and does fail. If he chose to have sex with a girl, he better be prepared to have that girl in his life for at least the next 18 years if a child is produced from the union. He would also have to be prepared to give up all his hopes and dreams for his own future because his main focus would be to support his baby and possibly the mother of his child. If he chooses to marry the girl, it should be for life - meaning, no other girls...ever.

I then reminded him how much I would LOVE to have a grandchild (or two, or three), but it would break my heart if he had a child too soon. As a teenager, he would not have what it takes to provide financial, physical or emotional support to his child because he didn't even know how to live independently as an "adult."

It worked - maybe too well, lol. He's an adult now. He's had many girlfriends over the years, but no children. However, he's been with a great girl now and believes she's "the one." I also think she's perfect for him. I'd be delighted if wedding bells were in their future because I know neither one of them would abandon my future grandchild(ren).

Good luck, BigHands

This reminds me of the funniest conversation that ever took place in our home. My fiance's 18 year old moved in with us - and the deal was - finish high school, get back into counseling. Well, he went to school - but ducked every opportunity for counseling. Mind you - I understand this kid was 18 at the time, but he has the emotional maturity of a 12 year old.

Well, one night (his father works 3rd) his son who was 18+ at the time came into our bedroom (where we went to hide for a little while to talk before the Fiance went to work) and very clearly stated, "Dad, I am 18 years old now. I should be able to have a girl spend the night if I want."

I looked at his dad, his dad looked at me, we both looked at the kid - I think we were both in shock. His dad then said, "Okay, go back out in the living room and we will discuss it."

His dad then looked at me and said with all sincerity, "Well, if he is having sex here, at least we know he is safe." My response you ask? "That's the wrong answer!!" I said to his dad - "Safe? You have the boy remember. I would be more worried about the 16 -17 year old girls he wants to have over for a slumber party - and their parents. Do you know how much trouble you could be in for allowing this? I thought he was here to clean up his life, get his diploma, get a job and move out??? How do you know they will be safe? Are you going to stand there and watch? I highly doubt it."

My response may sound harsh but - what was the motivating factor for many of us to move out of our parents and have our own place? So we could do what we want. This kid had rules and responsibilities which he refused to abide by - so I hardly doubt allowing him to have sex under our roof would change anything.

I don't think screaming at a kid you found having sex is the right response either - I think that can do more harm than good. I think just sitting them down, acknowledging the raging hormones is the way to go. Discuss the dangers - and possible outcomes.

The next day his father sat him down and calmly stated - he was not brought into our house to have sleep overs with his girlfriends. He was brought here to finish high school (which he blew off in the end) and get his life in order. Believe me he had bigger fish to fry than his constant concerns over why he couldn't have a girl spend the night. LOL.

His father and I laugh about this now. Why? The look on his face and his absolute sincerity about what he should be able to do, under a roof where he accepted no responsibility.

look at it like this,.... atleast hes not going to be the 40 year old virgin. i think its a good thing he lost his virginity at 15.

Good thing? Come on ET. Put down the crack pipe!

Hell, I'd rather he be a 40 year old virgin with a life and possibilites than a 16 year old father dropped out of high school to work 2 dead-end jobs to help support a girl he probably won't stay with and a baby.

Hey, glad things worked out. Though...rofl I have no idea what salt peter is nor how it would be applied to this situation, but may God be with him if you go that route. Sounds less than pleasant.

Haha. I guess I'm showing my age Harley. Youngins know it mostly as Potassium Nitrate, a main ingredient of gun powder. i guess that would explain wh it sounds unpleasant. Yes. I suppose that might solve the problem but, no, the old legend is that salt peter can be used to prevent erections. Interesting read here.

Wow is that a mark of old age now to know what salt-peter and chastity belts are? Didn't have a clue then, had to look them up.

My "babies" will turn 20 soon. So I have already crossed that hurddle TG. But I told the boys and girls alike. Think about who you're having sex with. If you're too embarassed to discuss birth control with them, you should be too embarrassed to have sex with them. Also, is this the person you want to be the parent of your child? Children are the natural consequence of sex. To my boys: Do you want the decision whether or not to be a parent taken away from you? You make YOUR decision by choosing whom to have sex with and what FORMS of birthcontrol to use.

I would suggest sitting down and watching 16 and pregnant on MTV with them. (Remember when MTV was only music videos). I am addicted to this show, and send all of my kids a text thanking them for being responsible after every episode.

I also have to weigh in on whether or not to allow them to have sex in your home, even though it's already been settle . Whether you're 8 or 88 my house, my rules. The same rules as my parents before me. There will be a wedding ring on your finger before you share a bedroom in my house. What you do in your own house is your own business.

This is the attitude my mom took with us, and so far, none of her 3 now grown boys came home with a pregnant girl, but the 3 girls weren't so lucky... not entirely our fault though mom forgot to mention we are immune to most forms of birth control which means i had my daughter the year after i graduated high school.... you would think she would have thought to have mentioned that having fallen pregnant 7 times while on birth control

Solid advice in my opinion, 1 i intend to follow with my daughter, didn't mean to get chatty.