[grey_aj]

I am a junior in high school and an only child. My mom acts like as if EVERYTHING in my life is her responsibility and if she doesn't intervene, everything I try to accomplish will burn to the ground and that I will be a failure without her. I repeat, I am a junior in high school. My mom still sits next to me when I do my homework. I can't stay after school unless it's for an extra curricular because then I would be "unproductive" or "having a boyfriend" (which I don't). She thinks that I am lazy and unmotivated and that if she didn't organize things for me every frikkin second of the day, I would be hopeless. She practically does everything for me. If she's mad that I got one math problem wrong or whatever, she'll blow it up and say I should give up on trying to go to college. She looks after my studying even if she knows nothing about the subject, and if I get a good score on the test, she says that she was the one who "suffered to get the score". The list of examples could go on. She thinks I'm incapable but it's only because she hasn't even let me do anything on my own!

I understand that she wants what's best for me, but I feel like a prisoner. I don't have space to move. I don't have space to breathe.

Thanks for reading.

-AJ

[Miswimmy1]

Im sry. I cant really relate because as my t says, my folks are not "helicpter parents". I have grown up in a home situation where my parents dont care if I was playing outside until 10 at night. (im a sophmore in high school).

It is almost as if ur mother has a control issue. I am not sure what to tell you. i guess my only suggestion is to talk about it to another adult (teacher, t, etc). and maybe they can talk to your mom about it. she may see what she is doing, but she doesn't want to admit that you are right. its a wierd phenomenon... lol. sometimes parents wont listen until they hear it from another adult. And then finally they will listen, even if it was the exact same thing that you hav been saying the whole time. lol

[Travelinglady]

"Helicopter mom" is the term that came to my mind, too. Sounds like mom is in the panic mode. I assume you are responsible and have not gotten into any trouble, in school or socially, for her to be so hovering and worried. I agree with Miswimmy. Talk to a counselor about it. Even if mom doesn't back off, at least you can get someone else's perspective. I know it's absolutely no consolation, but at least your mom cares. Let's hope she can find a Bridge Club or something else to keep her more occupied.

I'm just wondering: Are you an only child or the baby in the family? Have any other young folks she knows gotten into trouble?

[missbelle]

Being an only child is no fun as I was one. Although my parents were not that hovering about homework, they were crazy about other things. That was a long time ago, and now there are social workers, good school counselors etc that can intevene. In my day, you didn't talk about problems outside the home. Now, you can and you should get someone to listen to you. First though start with mom on a good day for both of you..and if things are difficult and she does not understand..then....Try your high school, a trusted teacher, a friends mom, a minister, a youth minister, or if you are in therapy, the therapist...I almost wish you were in therapy as it would then be super easy to have a good discussion with a truly objective person.
Also you can ask if mom would take you to a therapist but that would probably cause a lot of difficulties. You did not mention a Dad or grandparents? If they are around maybe you can have a confidential talk with them about mom's behavior.

I vowed that I would never have myself an only child just for those reasons, and all the problems I went thru...anyway I have three grown children now. I hope things work out. Please talk to a real person about this. I see its upsetting you, and I know its about mom's expectations..
.Take care of yourself!
Hugs;
Dee

p.s. the trouble with being an only child too is that mom has all her eggs in one basket. You are her only kid, and all her fears and worries and expectations go directly to you. She might not realize what kind of pressure she is putting you under.....so as I said above, sit down with mom over dinner, a good time for both of you, and tell her how her hovering and concerns are making you feel!!

[Travelinglady]

Oops. Sorry I missed it when you did say you were an only child. Only children ARE more prone to being zeroed in on, as Missbelle says.

I won't get into my personal history here, but one therapist told me if I would have been an only child, then I would have turned out psychotic instead of severely neurotic.......But my mother had severe mental disorders herself.

Try to talk to your mom as maturely as you can. It IS worth a try. I couldn't talk to my mom.

[grey_aj]

Yes, as I said before, I am an only child. :P

One of the worst parts is that whenever I try to reason with her, she turns it around and it almost seems like as if she is the one who makes sense. It's baffling. I know that now that it's almost time for college apps and whatnot that things are more intense, but even in middle school I never got to stay after school, and I was very rarely allowed to go to sleepover parties etc etc (I was the one who always had to leave before the "sleeping" part). She thinks that every male stranger is a rapist (the only times I am allowed to take a taxi is when I am with my parents). As I said, the list is endless.

Compared to most of the people in my grade, I am very responsible. I have good grades, I have never been to a party in high school and I have not done underage drinking or anything of the sort. I have never been out with my friends at night. Even if my mom wasn't overprotective, I wouldn't be doing those things, because I'm just that kind of person. I'm not trying to break away from my mom's overprotectiveness to do *evil*.

My dad is somewhat more understanding, but most of the time he is too obsessed with trying to keep my mom happy to see sense, but at least he's better than my mom.

Thanks for replying guys.

-AJ

[ickydog2006]

I can relate totally. I'm sorry you are having to go through this. My best advice is try to not react to what she says. You can't reason with her, because her actions are not grounded in logic, trying to combat with logic will not work. You can not control her actions. You can only control your own, and the way you respond. Keep trying hard in school. I know it's hard when they take credit, but try to get support and reassurance from others if need be, and tell yourself that YOU accomplished it. I'm sure you know if you or your mom did it. Keep trying hard and get in to college. There is freedom there. You can make a way out for yourself. It may take a couple years of trying to keep your mouth shut and not freaking out on her. But once you can make it on your own, her power is gone. You will get to choose when you see and talk to her. You will be able to set reasonable bounderies. But for now, hang in there.

[grey_aj]

Yeah I managed to talk to her the other day and told her that she didn't need to be on my case every single second of the day (I didn't word it like *that*, but you get the gist). And I have started giving subtle hints for her to go away at times, which she has (fortunately) picked up on... so she's is not around AS much but moving space is still pretty damn tight. My dad is more understanding, which is good I guess. But still.....

- AJ

[Travelinglady]

Well, at least that's a start. I know it seems like forever, but one of these days you WILL be able to move away and set boundaries more easily.....

[grey_aj]

She wants me to go to college back in our old hometown, where I can "go home for dinner" every night. The thought makes me sick.

I think she's trying to live her life through me. Like, she never had a life like mine, with the whole good grades thing and parents being hover-y, so she thinks she's being great when actually she seems like she's bordering on psychotic. I'm just so pissed. I know she loves me and yada yada yada, but she's not even "hovering" anymore, it's like she's trying to live my life because she screwed hers up or something. I'm not someone who shows my emotions easily, so if she yells at me and I'm stoic, she thinks that means I don't care about my life, the one "she never got to have". But of course I do care, and I even feel sorry for her.

Thanks for reading.

- AJ