[shezbut]

Very sad that one of her classmate friends passed away a couple of days ago. He had a very weak immune support system that suddenly gave way. My ex-hub sent me an e-mail warning me that my daughter is pretty upset about her friend dying & them needing to talk about it quite a bit.

I have my daughters on the weekends. And I'm not real good at knowing age-appropriate explanations. I have a tendency to become scientific and explain too far. I don't know when to stop! So, how do I know when it's safe to change talking about death and bring up having a pow-wow on thinking up ways to remember those that we care about who have passed away? We have to get some sort of positive to help us through this tragic experience.

Anyone have any ideas or experiences to share??

[winter4me]

My advise would be to let her lead you, be there, acknowledge the sadness, and do your best to answer her questions---just the ones she asks, simply as you can, no need to go into long explanations. And, give yourself a break, your daughter will likely absorb the information she needs and let the rest go. Hugs to you and her. You are her mom, just be there for her, she won't be judging you, and will let you know what she wants/doesn't.....so sorry, this is tough. it's never too soon to talk about remembering, things to do---the grieving doesn't necessarily follow a certain pattern or rhythm...changes over time...she will always remember.

[Nobodyandnothing]

My daughter had a close friend die during the summer between kindergarden and first grade. It was so sad. He was run over by a car backing out of a driveway. His mom was the driver.

Our church and our faith was a great support. My daughter was in Catholic school and the students and teachers talked and prayed for John a lot. In her sorrow, even John's mom stayed involved with the children. I do not know where she got her strength-actually, I do. It was her faith. We talked about John and prayed for him at home too. In fact, we still think about and talk about John even now...and she is 24.

The only advice I can suggest is to talk to her. Tell her it is OK to be sad. I would even bring up the subject and not wait for her. It can be a simple as a statement that you know her friend died and how sad you are, then ask her if she is sad.

I will be praying for you, your daughter and her friend.

[shezbut]

I keep getting reminded of this little boy dying (after I somehow allow myself to forget for awhile) and then I'm overcome by guilt and sorrow. Over and over again! Jeez...

I talked with Kyra on the phone this afternoon, and she sounded pretty happy. I let her lead the conversation, and I followed. After a few minutes of small talk, she told me that her friend died yesterday. I was quiet for a second, sort in shock. I asked her who, she told me his name and then said that she didn't want to talk about it anymore. I said okay and changed the subject as I heard her voice start to quiver. Poor thing!

Thankfully, that quick change of subject helped in the moment. But, I don't know if what I did was right. Maybe I should have allowed her to explore her feelings, instead of instantly repressing them?? It's a tough guess to make over the telephone. In person, it's a lot easier to talk about such deep emotions.

[nicoleb2]

When she is there with you, and it comes up (it will), remind her that it is ok to be sad and that it can help to talk about how you feel. She can draw pictures for her friend, or write notes to her friend and put them on the grave if that is an option.
Give her time to talk, let her know you are there for her whenever she needs to or wants to talk.
There are a few books out for children about grief, not sure what for 10 year olds as my daughter was 6/7 when she started dealing with loss.

Biggest thing, it's all a process and nobody follows the same one. Some days maybe she'll be sad, other days, fine, other days angry.

My 10 year old still talks about the loss and the grief that she has gone through

[avlady]

That's so sad, I lost my best friend at 16 years old, now I'm 52 and still think about her alot. There's just so many questions left unanswered, it can cause depression so i would keep an eye out if you start seeing signs of it in your child, just be strong for your children too as we as parents go through the grief too. Be a good example and teach them the courage they need too. I'll pray for everyone involved!

[winter4me]

Originally Posted by shezbut

I keep getting reminded of this little boy dying (after I somehow allow myself to forget for awhile) and then I'm overcome by guilt and sorrow. Over and over again! Jeez...

I talked with Kyra on the phone this afternoon, and she sounded pretty happy. I let her lead the conversation, and I followed. After a few minutes of small talk, she told me that her friend died yesterday. I was quiet for a second, sort in shock. I asked her who, she told me his name and then said that she didn't want to talk about it anymore. I said okay and changed the subject as I heard her voice start to quiver. Poor thing!

Thankfully, that quick change of subject helped in the moment. But, I don't know if what I did was right. Maybe I should have allowed her to explore her feelings, instead of instantly repressing them?? It's a tough guess to make over the telephone. In person, it's a lot easier to talk about such deep emotions.

I think you did well. She told you about the loss. And you let her tell you that she didn't want to talk about it. Just let her know, when you talk to her next that you know she has had a really sad loss and that you are there whenever she wants to talk (eg: if she wants to call you anytime, or when she is with you...)---Maybe she had been talking about it a lot and just needed a break --- "anymore" doesn't mean never, just means right now. You are being a good mom.
Big hugs to you and her.

(((shez))) I think you did really well too on the phone to your daughter, It must be really hard on her

[Victoria'smom]

I think you did well on the phone too. If she does bring it up ask her what her friend liked to do. Did s/he like animals, outside, art or have a favorite book ? Take that information and think of an activity that create a long term healing memorial.