Depressed 13-year old daughter (no friends)

I have been on PC for a while but never on this forum before. My 13-year old daughter, 7th grade, has gone from being a pretty happy kid to miserable lately. I should add that because of moving (my husband's corporate job), she has been in 4 school districts since kindergarten (although, in kindergarten she was in Catholic school then went to public in 1st grade. That was my decision because Catholic school wasn't a good fit for her.) Then, we moved to another state in second through fourth grade, then to a different city in that state in 5th grade.

Anyway, up until recently she made friends easily it seemed. She had one or two "best friends" or so I thought. The best girlfriend moved far away last fall (pretty devastating.) The other good friend is now obsessed with texting and calling the one who moved because the one who moved is coming to visit this summer and staying with that girl (which makes my daughter feel left out). One of my daughter's other friends is not able to see her much anymore, because there is a divorce in the family and the girl's mother doesn't answer calls or texts on weekends so the girl can play.

In short, my daughter just doesn't have a "bestie" anymore anywhere -- not at school, not at gymnastics (where she is three afternoons a week), not at Sunday school, not in the neighborhood, nowhere. This is her third year in this area, but it seems many of the girl friendships were well-established before we even came. She's not being bullied at all. She's just being ignored. For example, another girlfriend who used to be close now just ignores my daughter online and deletes her instagram comments. I've tried talking to a couple parents in confidence, and they are nice, but nothing changes.

I was severely bullied as a kid in middle school, and this isn't bullying -- it's ignoring. But for a girl, that is just as bad (I think, not trying to minimize how bad true bullying is.) This morning she already got up and asked to go back to bed and miss school. I let her, because she didn't even shower last night, just fell asleep with her clothes on and is in bad shape this morning.

She has been on a very low dose of Zoloft (25 mg) since she was 10, not for depression but for mild OCD issues. She's never seen a therapist. I want to get her into a therapist but of course she says "I have nothing to say" and doesn't want to go.

Can anyone relate to these (relatively new) issues with a 7th grade girl? You can't make kids be friends with yours. My heart is breaking and I don't know what to do. I know a girl needs at least one "bestie" at this critical age and I just don't see it happening for my daughter. She says she has no one her age to really talk to. I might add that I have an older daughter college age (who hasn't lived with us for years), and when she was in middle school she had one best girlfriend and even a few guy friends. My younger daughter has no guy friends and says she doesn't even know how to befriend guys. It's not that I want her dating or anything like that, but I know even having a couple guys to text with or pal around with would help her self-esteem. Any suggestions?

Hi, I hope someone who has a kid in a similar situation can contribute here and help you out. I am not a parent myself, but I babysat and tutored a lot of kids and I can relate to moving places during my teenage years. A girl I knew from tutoring had a hard time making friends and I tried to help her by finding out what her passion was. She seemed to enjoy arts so I suggested she tries out the school's art club. As far as I remember she met a few nice people there and she also became a bit more open.
So my suggestion would be to get your daughter outside the house and try out different things that might be fun for her..not necessarily to meet a new best friend, but for her to find enjoyment in something..and I hope the rest will follow naturally. I wish you both all the best

I've taught middle school, primarily 7th grade, for over twenty years, and 7th grade was a very hard time in school for me personally.

7th grade is a transition year for a lot of kids. It is usually a year where the kids start getting lockers and switching classes more and many do not have the organizational skills needed to make and easy transition. Due to that and other factors, students' grades often slip in 7th grade.

In addition, 7th grade is often the "peer pressure" year. A lot of students who never felt peer pressure or the need to make friends before are now being pressured from several different sides. This contributes to some kids going down the wrong path, and yet another reason for poor grades. And, in your daughter's case, it can lead to feeling alone and a bit ostracized by the group if they don't quite "fit in".

My suggestions. First of all, talk to your daughter's teachers. Teachers are usually willing to help but are not aware of such problems if not made aware of them. Many teachers have over 100 students at that grade level. Teachers often group or pair students up and would be willing to put your daughter with someone who may perhaps be having similar problems making friends.

Find out extracurricular activities both in the school and outside of school. Attempt to get your daughter involved in one or two things. She will probably resist unless she knows other people in the group, but it's a good way of trying to get her to meet people. Make a deal with her: "Go to three meetings and if you still don't like it you can drop out". Hopefully within those three meetings she'll meet people and find reason to stay.

Get involved in some type of extracurricular activity with her. The first thing that comes to mind is a bowling league, but I'm sure there's other things as well. You would be her "friend" and she would feel more comfortable "getting out" there with your support, and through that activity, she'll hopefully meet other people closer to her age to associate with.

Good luck...feel free to contact me if you'd like.

Thanks everyone for the suggestions. My daughter does already spend three afternoons a week at gymnastics and plays violin in orchestra, and goes to religious ed. one night a week, so she is very involved. However, her depression has made her miss practices, thinking none of the girls like her, it's made her avoid church and religious ed. Some weekends she will leave the house with me and her dad, but if we didn't force her she would sit inside all weekend (lots of sleeping and tv watching).

This morning I took her back to her psychiatrist and got her zoloft increased. She also starts therapy next week. She was crying pretty hysterically this afternoon just talking about her stuff. I am anxious to see if the med increase and the therapist can help her. She's a good girl but she lets the other girls see her weaknesses and she really has a thin skin.

I'll try to find something I can do with her -- there's really nothing she does that I can do, but bowling is a good suggestion.

And thanks,, Maranara, for your perspective on middle school. It is a brutal time for girls.

I also wanted to say thanks for the idea about talking to my daughter's teachers. She's in all pre-AP classes, and I do know her teachers would talk to me if I emailed them. The school year is almost over but it couldn't hurt. Sometimes I just wonder if she's under too much pressure in general. She's always been an A student (still is), very busy, etc. and it seems like now it is all coming crashing down, almost like it's too much for her.

cookfan,

You sound like a good parent ~ very involved and concerned about your daughter's well-being. It sounds wonderful to me! I agree with Maranara's advice and middle school wisdom. I also think that it's great that you are getting your daughter in to see a T.

I am curious if your daughter feels a bit overwhelmed by her school and after-school responsibilities. Does she still enjoy gymnastics? Is that a big enjoyment for her, or is she also trying to avoid that nowadays? Does your daughter have any pets, or a love for something tangible?

With summer approaching, you may want to see how she feels about spending some time volunteering in a community program. Like YMCA, elder care centers, library, cleaning up the park, etc. A lot of pleasure and fulfillment often comes with helping others in some way. It would also help your daughter meet others that care about the same types of things as she does, and make friends.

I am sure that it's very hard to see your daughter feeling so down. I was also a "loner" when I was in school years ago, and I strongly recall the misery that I felt. Try to remember that not all kids are the same. What works for one doesn't necessarily work for others. Your daughter is at a tough age. Talking with her teachers could definitely give you a better perspective to how she is feeling while she is in school. Does she ever smile and try to talk with others, or is she withdrawn and quiet?

I wish you the very best at trying to help your daughter through this tough time in her life.

The classes your daughter is taking are very difficult and she could be feeling a little overwhelmed. She could have friends who are "skating by" and she has more work ethic and doesn't want to do that, but at the time feels left out from the fun...if you get my meaning.

Thanks so much. Yeah, part of my deep concern is that I was actually bullied in middle school, and to see my daughter suffering any social isolation just hurts in a way that I know is more extreme because of what I went through. You make a good point about gymnastics -- it is so goal-oriented but such a hard sport, and the girls aren't exactly supportive of each other (as they should be.) As it is right now she has no time for volunteer stuff but that will be the first thing I sign her up for this summer. Helping people or animals without being "scored" or having to compete will be a nice change. I did no sports as a kid -- not as many girls' sports then and I wasn't athletic. This daughter is the only one of our family who's shown any athletic ability, and since she loved gymnastics and was fairly good at it, I guess I jumped on it without realizing what was down the line.

She *used to* smile and be friendly with other kids -- Sunday school is a good example of that. Now, she sits with her arms crossed and doesn't participate. Her general demeanor is tired and sad. I totally get it because I've had major depression on and off my whole adult life.

Thanks everyone for the great suggestions.

Yes, you're right -- I do sometimes forget how hard the classes are, even though I see the homework and projects. Hard classes plus all her extracurriculars may be just burning her out at the end of the school year. But I may need to reassess over the summer, or should I say "help her" reassess. I don't want to be the mom who pushes their kid to be a "super kid" and the kids suffers because of it, but then, I also don't want her to drop activities until the antidepressants and therapy has had a chance to work, so we can see how she feels then.

Sometimes I wish it was like the old days when we just rode bikes/swam/played with other kids during our down time and there weren't many organized activites. But times have changed so much and there's no getting away from that really, except for some gymnastics girls who are home-schooled, so they can get their school work done with in 3-4 hours a day and not have the school pressure on top of everything else.

Allow her to drop her activities if she's just not in to them anymore. She's a teenager..they tend to change what they are intereted in with the wind...but at the same time revisit the idea often with her and make sure she doesn't change her mind again. Maybe she need to just cut back on the frequency, or take more breaks during the school year.

I am not against homeschooling but it needs to be done in a way that socialization doesn't suffer too much. I know what it's like to be bullied. I was there; it is very, very hard. But, at the same time, school is where most people learn to socialize, get along....or not. They learn the dynamics of a group and how to get along, assert their opinions, learn what they like and don't like, etc., and no, it's not easy, but it is a necessary thing in growing up.

Yes, Maranara, I agree that teens change their minds frequently. Gymnastics is not something you want to give up in the middle unless you're really sure, though ... however, if she remains depressed and not into that sport, I will try to get her into something like cross country or swimming just so she'll have one sport.

I also agree that homeschooling can be very iffy. My husband is from the northeast and although we've been down south for a while now, he detests the whole idea of homeschooling so much that it's a deal-breaker with him. He wouldn't consider it for the reasons you mentioned as well as others.

For those of you who might be wondering why I am so focused on extracurriculars for my daughter, the reason is that my older daughter was a straight A student, 6th in her class of 400, got very high SAT scores, and didn't get into some colleges she applied for simply because she had no extra-curriculars (I mean none, she had played tennis one year but dropped it.) College advisors tell us these days that the academically gifted kid who doesn't look well rounded could get perfect test scores and still not get into some colleges. Again, not like the old days, where one tiny little extracurricular probably was enough.

Yes, one extracurricular at a time would be enough. Extracurriculars in high school that she can get in to that don't take as much time would be things like the National Junior Honor Society (middle school) or National Honor Society (high school). Also, she could do things on her own that would qualify such as volunteer at a homeless or soup kitchen. There's forms you can run off on-line, and you can even make one you own that the place call fill out as documentation she was there. May I ask....what state you're from. If you happen to live in Florida, I can give you lots more advice.