Please educate me about ODD

My daughter, age 27, was diagnosed with Oppositional Defiance Disorder when she was a teenager. Because she spent much of her childhood in foster homes, I didn't know this until fairly recently. Right now she's living with my husband and me, and she says the ODD still affects her. The research I've been able to do is mixed as far as whether or not a teenager with ODD outgrows it.

As someone with chronic depression, I know I don't want to be confronted with, "Oh, just quit being so gloomy and find some joy in life." It doesn't work that way. It's not so simple. Therefore, although there is a tendency to think "oppositional defiance" is nothing more than fancy talk for "I don't care about the rules, I'm going to do whatever I want, and screw you," I don't want to trivialize my daughter's condition as others have done with me. But it's hard for me to understand sometimes that she isn't TRYING to be rude, disrespectful, or just plain mean.

For example, I've been sick for several days now. Yesterday in the middle of a pounding migraine, I boiled water to make iced tea, and I had the tea steeping on the stove when I went to sit down on the couch. I usually just steep it until it seems strong enough. I don't time it with a stopwatch, for crying out loud. But when I sat down, daughter asked me how long the tea had been steeping. I said I didn't know. She got mad at me. "Well, then how am I supposed to know how much longer to let it steep?" she asked me, tossing in a profanity. I told her I didn't feel well enough to pay attention to it, whereupon she stormed off to the kitchen to check on the tea. As she left, she did a playground-style mocking voice under her breath, mimicking me saying I didn't feel well.

I refuse to believe I deserved it. But if she has ODD, does that mean I have to take it because she can't help herself? I've been abused enough in my life, and I'm tired of putting up with it.

When my husband confronted her later, she said she was just venting frustration, and she's sorry "if" it hurt my feelings. I know from past experience that if I had confronted her myself, she would have accused me of being oversensitive and nitpicking her.

By the way, no, she is not seeing a counselor or taking any medication, although she has filed for disability and is waiting for their answer.

I know if you already have been abused, this feels like more. Try not to see it that way. Try to see it as "that's the way she does it", and it has nothing to do with you. It is her doing, so don't take it to heart. As soon as you can place her behavior on her solely it might feel better and you might get immune to the taunting.

When she starts a bad behavior (then I mean something that is mean to others or similar), don't pay attention. If you do, pretend that you don't. If she has not learned how to get positive attention, she rather gets the negative then none. I know how cliche it sounds! But I think it might be true. That doesn't mean those people should go through life without attention, but like with a troubled dog, you reinforce the good.

She might feel bad about herself. Easy to try to make others feel bad, hard to make oneself feel better (My friend does this!). I try to just tell her she is fine when rarely it bubbles up she dislikes things about herself. I hope that will some day deal with the hostility she has towards others, even if in this case she mostly does it behind their backs.

Nothing my friend does (she never had ODD as a child but she has some traits) is her own fault. It is bad luck or someone else did it. I think here she actually have to think it is because it would kill her to admit she is lousy at some stuff, ruining and misplacing things. She doesn't see cause and effect. I do try to say something positive when she actually manages something, in a way that doesn't sound like if she is a child, but between peers. So she feels she has some control.

I try as much as possible sort of just try to hint to her that we're all the same and she is not less than anyone. The things she is really good at I take my time with.

She is also very impulsive and can get angry fast. In her case, not eating right really makes it worse! She could take your head off just because she is hungry.

So in her case I think there is a mix of actually have some deficiencies that she doesn't know how to handle, and things she has picked up because of other people's negativity towards her or ignoring her.

I think you maybe have to walk the fine line here not even just because she is an adult but because she probably always needed independence and control, to make the positive attention not sound like you are talking down at her, but also offer it readily.

I don't know how to put someone back in control of themselves. In my friend's case I think she will always be a victim to her scattered thinking. But the more someone can see they CAN handle things, the better they feel about themselves. Don't pick on accidents and accidental failure. Or on bad emotion that is not directed at anyone. And people, like dogs, even healthy people, respond to positive enforcement.

I know this can be hard to do towards a negative person, heck I know it so well.... but after you start it won't be as bad.

When my friend panics over small things, I shrug it off (even at times I myself might feel affected), and I say "nobody died" or "at least it didn't kill anyone". Just as a statement or with some honest humor.

She will hurt your feelings and for now maybe don't even expect or ask for an apology. Try to ignore all hurtful things as it is just a way of sucking you into arguments that lead to nothing, because at least if you argue, you interact. She might not even know how to interact on a neutral basis.

I might be totally off and in that case I apologize. I just take what I learned from my friend.

Actually I think you're very on-target. Thank you for your input. I'll act on it, especially the part about trying not to see it as more abuse I'm getting.

My brother has a pretty textbook case of ODD, my parents have known for over 15 years now (he is 22), though it hasn't gotten any easier for them, they have learned tricks to keep them selves calm when he has a bought of anger or expects them to do something for him.

My mother has learned to pick and choose her battles with him. If he gets angry over something irrationally they try to ignore him. Walk away. However it is not always easy with a child ODD. It has been difficult to keep him in therapy or on any sort of meds because he feels there is nothing wrong. I wouldn't push it on your daughter, but maybe you could suggest she see someone to talk to, even if you say just to help relieve some stress or something.