[scottk3884]

I am currently involved in a 2 year relationship with a 47yo women who I have known since childhood. She has 2 children 19 and 12 and I have 3, 19,7 and 12. Keep in mind we live in two separate states currently. We have recently reach an impasse on how our relationship should progress.

The mother is a very giving loving person, she is the type that keeps things to herself, would rather avoid any conflict, and will tolerate things even when they aren't right. Part of why I fell in love with her. But also creates a problem. I tend to be the sink or swim type of parent with close supervision, whereas she would be in the pool holding them. Just two totally different parenting styles.

The problem stems from her 19yo daughter. She was born out of wedlock, but the father was involved early on. Due to substance abuse and health issues he died when the daughter was around 11 or 12. Around the age of 7 a stepfather entered the picture. Shortly after the bio fathers death she started crying out for attention. Using emotional and physical distress to gain the mothers attention. Cutting herself, repeated panic attacks, and using guilt trips to gain the mother attention. This lead to the closing of a hair salon she owned. This was an on and off again problem till late in her 16th year, when she made sexual abuse claims against the stepfather. It is believed that there was no physical contact, but inappropriate behavior was defiantly observed. Acting like the jealous boyfriend when she started dating. Even pleading with the mother not to go to protective services for he feared being arrested. About 6 months after he was asked to leave is when I got involved with the mother.

The daughter seamed to take right to me. She would text me asking advice, ask me to talk to her mom for her, even sharing her day with me. We were both very surprised that she was very accepting. This lasted for the last year and half. This past summer we had a chance to spend a month together, with all 5 of our kids there. Yes there was some tense moments, as there would be, but nothing out of the ordinary. I mean we are talking about 5 teenagers each with a very different personality. But we felt confident at first we could proceed with moving towards living together.

It has since gone downhill for the last 2 months. When the mother first talk to the daughter about moving in, the daughters first response was "if they move in I am moving out" My first thought was don't let the door hit you on the way out. The mother left this un-answered, excusing it as a result of her problems growing up. Since then it's been a constant battle between the mother and I. Even to the point I can no longer come visit when I have time. Last time I was there she was being so disrespectful that I had to intervene. My involvement was a trauma trigger, my actions of just trying to talk to her, with the mom present, sent her into a panic attack. Saying I was acting just the like the stepfather. The mother continues to make excuses for her. The daughter has since dropped the charges against the stepfather.

Yes I feel bad for the girl. She's had a rough childhood, more like she didn't have one. It was robbed from her. But she has become a young woman with no coping skills for her trauma triggers. No skills for dealing with any type of conflict. And when she is behaving badly the mother refuses to discipline and just makes excuses for her. Let alone the fact we are no longer talking about a child but a young adult.

So my question is, should her bad experiences as a child be used as an excuse for bad behavior? Is the mother over compensating because the guilt she feels for not seeing the abuse sooner? This issue has put a wedge between us, to the point everyday we get further apart. I am urging the mother to seek help. She done so for the daughter. But I firmly believe that this has become a co-dependent. I welcome everyone's thoughts and opinions.

[Victoria'smom]

I am not a mother of a teenager but I was caring for my son and two other teenagers when I was 19. Some things that you said in your post resemble disdain for this child . Yes, her age is 19 given her issues she is still a child. I really don't care for the statement Cutting herself, repeated panic attacks, and using guilt trips to gain the mother attention. those behaviors are not manipulation but serious issues only being able to escape in those ways. You have to look at her as a 14 yr old child with serious life threatening issues that she is scared out of her mind of. She's currently throwing a tantrum because of the changing family dynamic. This should be dealt with but should not effect your relationship.

I fully believe any persevered male conflict would send her into a panic attack and flash back to feel like you were like her step father. Yes, it is going to take more effort to get her stable on her own. She doesn't need discipline and her opinion on her mothers relationship should not matter. She needs structure, and intensive outpatient trauma care. Does she have a part time job or go to school part time? She will need a lot of extra care and support for at least the next 2 year to become an adult.

[scottk3884]

Yes she is enrolled full time in school, and has a part time job. She is an otherwise well adjusted kid. Functions normally in social situations, always has good grades. I am not without compassion on this. Her separation issues from her mother are fully understandable. I can't imagine loosing one parent, and then having a step parent who was a creep. I can see why she is reaching out to her mom to be safe. Fully agree she needs help, my problem really stems from the fact the mother believes she is doing enough by doing it herself. The daughter has recently reached out for some outside help. Not sure it's going to be enough. Time will tell.

[Travelinglady]

Hello and welcome to Psych Central!

Are you thinking the mom needs to get on her when she does things like talk to you disrespectfully, and when she doesn't, then she is undermining your role?

I'm wondering if mom isn't feeling some guilt over what her daughter has been through. Just a thought.....

You do have your hands full with this potential blended family, which I think is almost always the case when teenagers are involved. If the two of you are serious about your relationship, then I think it would be good if you could arrange to get together for a few couples' therapy sessions.

[scottk3884]

Since I wrote this, I been told I need to not worry about her daughter. That she needs to handle things her way. Which is fine, she is free to make her choice. But the daughters "T" has also told the mom the same thing I been saying. That she shouldn't be holding up our relationship because her daughter has an issue with me. I have since given up on any though of moving forward for now. She needs to figure out if what she is doing is right or not.