[boopei]

I'm not an "official" step parent yet, but I'm in a long term committed relationship, so pretty much the same thing.

My partner has pretty much sole custody of his 2 kids, boy age 9, girl aged 6, because their mother is unfit (mentally, physically abusive etc). He was abused in the marriage, and besides the mental scars he has, both kids have VERY hard to deal with anxiety issues.

The 9 year old, remembers Mommy beating Daddy, and hiding under the bed. Right now they only go to their mothers on the weekends, but there is so much harmful stuff going on now, it's really affecting them. He has terrible tantrums/fits of rage/self loathing/fear triggered by things that remind him of his mother (aka his father says something to disipline - not in anger - but it's something the same as his mother says, the poor thing has a complete meltdown).

The 6 year old girl is the opposite. She seeks out attention any way she can, she lies all the time, she tries to control her friends (which no doubt she gets from her mother) and has an overall, superiority complex, mixed in with self-esteem issues.

Both kids have been seeing a child psycologist since right after my partner left his wife, and thank goodness for that because court is coming up soon to try to get some child support from her for them, and to try to get her weekend visitations away from her (mostly).

I find it so completely mentally exhausting to keep up with all this, drama. There is always so much going on. Some of it is normal things that children do, but a lot.. is not. On top of that I'm an emotionally sensitive person, and I'm working on my own issues as well. Just curious if there is any advice from anyone here who is dealing with similar issues. Thanks!

[bebop]

if the mother was declared unfit then why allow them to spend weekends? I would think it is only undoing the work you and your SO have worked so hard to mend. I would think maybe spending a couple of hours would be sufficent to see her for awhile to get the kids on an even keel. I had stepchildren before in the home and it can be difficult but your step children are suffering by seeing her.

[Webgoji]

I'm a stepfather, but didn't have a situation like you're dealing with. I stepped in as the father figure for my daughter when she was 9. Her real father bailed out the minute my wife got pregnant.

As one step-parent to another, the problem you're having with the children is only the start though. You'll be fighting an uphill battle their entire lives. Get used to being listed as only a "Non-Family Emergency Contact" on their school paperwork. Trips to the hospital can be a nightmare too, admittance and visitation can be a pain because you're "not family". Seriously, an unfit, abusive mother or dead-beat dad ranks higher in the eyes of society than the step-parent who's trying to make things right.

I wish I had good advice, but becoming a step-parent is, in my opinion, the toughest job anyone will ever take. It takes a special kind of person to take in a child that isn't biologically theirs and then fight against society and the world to try to raise the child as their own.

But it's a war worth fighting.

[2691RVA]

Originally Posted by boopei

I'm not an "official" step parent yet, but I'm in a long term committed relationship, so pretty much the same thing.

My partner has pretty much sole custody of his 2 kids, boy age 9, girl aged 6, because their mother is unfit (mentally, physically abusive etc). He was abused in the marriage, and besides the mental scars he has, both kids have VERY hard to deal with anxiety issues.

The 9 year old, remembers Mommy beating Daddy, and hiding under the bed. Right now they only go to their mothers on the weekends, but there is so much harmful stuff going on now, it's really affecting them. He has terrible tantrums/fits of rage/self loathing/fear triggered by things that remind him of his mother (aka his father says something to disipline - not in anger - but it's something the same as his mother says, the poor thing has a complete meltdown).

The 6 year old girl is the opposite. She seeks out attention any way she can, she lies all the time, she tries to control her friends (which no doubt she gets from her mother) and has an overall, superiority complex, mixed in with self-esteem issues.

Both kids have been seeing a child psycologist since right after my partner left his wife, and thank goodness for that because court is coming up soon to try to get some child support from her for them, and to try to get her weekend visitations away from her (mostly).

I find it so completely mentally exhausting to keep up with all this, drama. There is always so much going on. Some of it is normal things that children do, but a lot.. is not. On top of that I'm an emotionally sensitive person, and I'm working on my own issues as well. Just curious if there is any advice from anyone here who is dealing with similar issues. Thanks!

I am a stepmom. I have been with husband 24 years. He had custody of his sons who were 5 & 7 when we met. Bio mom walked away when the boys were 2 & 4. The boys came with a lot of issues like you have mentioned here. Their mother was not a fit mom and had nothing to do with them for 2 years while she remarried and started a new family. When she met the boys again after almost 3 years of not seeing them they had no idea who she was. She was fine to have my husband have complete custody until she found out I was in the picture and that was a good year into our dating relationship. That tells you how little she communicated with the boys.

Long story short....even though bio mom has issues, this was their mom and the woman that walked out of the boys' lives. They yearned for their mother. They wanted her love and acceptance. I gave them the very best of me and the very best I could be as a mother to them but they did not want me. They were very angry and hurt boys and that only grew as they got older. Once they were on their own they sought out their mom, told their dad and I that we were not good parents and told me they did not want a relationship with me.

I am a compassionate person. My life was my family, stepsons included. I was the parent with the major role in their lives but I was not wanted by stepsons and I became the target for their hurt that they had toward their mom and dad splitting and their mom's lack of involvement in their lives. They could not see the good that I did for them, they only saw me as bad.

My counselor finally told me I had to remove myself totally from the situation, that until they could come to terms with their abandonment and their parents' divorce I would continue to be nothing more than a target for their anger. I have not talked to the younger now for over 3 years and the older boys even longer than that.

I know you care and I know you are well emerged in this relationship and feel you can be the loving mom to these hurting children. I do hope it works for you. Try not to lose yourself in the process. I hope you can understand that no matter how bad the children have been treated by their mother they will always love her and want her in their lives.