Help-Step Son Hates Me!

Well for some quick background when I met my husband he was already divorced for 11 years and raising his son by himself. The biomom began using drugs and when he gave her the ultimatum to either stop or leave and she left and began prostituting, leaving her 6 month old baby behind. She never sends money for him, never buys him anything he needs, and only sees him on weekends when she has time and can find someone to give her a ride. She does text and call him alot though. However their son is almost thirteen now and I told him up front I am not trying to be his mom or replace her and he can think of me like an older sister since I am 24 and his dad is 45.I never discipline him I leave that to his dad. I do not yell at him or anything. I cook for him I have taken him to school, I buy him things he needs, I look out for him all while working full time and going to school. I do not have kids of my own so I know he cant feel bad about that and his dad never goes out with me without him. In a year and a half we have had only 3 dinner dates without him because his dad never wants him to feel left out. After all this sacrifice I discover he HATES me. On his facebook he posted, " my stepmom is so obnoxious i want to stab her and laugh about it." He then tells his real mom I am so annoying and he feels his dad replaced him with me and lied saying his dad beats him and he lives in a bad environment and needs to live with her. At this point his dad spoke to the mom and she says I dont want him to live with me he has to stay there I can just see him on weekends. So now the kid is acting nice but I dont trust it, he has shown himself to be manipulative and sneaky. He lies straight to your face even when you have proof and show it to him he keeps lying. I dont understand what is wrong with him. He argues with his dad about bathing he pretends to shower by runnimg the water but then comes out of the bathroom still smelling like a homeless person, he is 13 and still pisses all over the toilet seat and ground in the bathroom after we repeatedly tell him to stop. He hides food and drinks and lets them rot in his closet, he is doing bad in school, he never opens up about his feelings, and honestly Im starting to become scared of him. i love my husband and dont want to leave but knowing his son feels that way about me after I take care of him and treat him better than his own mother has made me shut down to him. I now have no feelings for him and I am begining to resent him and his existence. Why is this happening and how does this get fixed???

Unfortunately, the most hated person on the planet is a step-parent. Having been one for 13 years I can honestly tell you that it's the most unforgiving and hardest job out there. In my case, my daughter was only 9 and her father didn't become a factor until last year, but everything from enrolling her in school to taking her to the doctor was a constant war against society.

You have the unenviable task of trying to live with a teenager whose mother is still in the picture. His hormones are raging causing paranoia and aggression and he's confused and caught in the middle of his parents and you're a good target. You're the symbol of their failed marriage to him.

The best you can try to do is be like an aunt. Basically leave raising him to your husband because anything you do will be perceived negatively. If you step in, you run the risk of alienating not only him, but the biological mother and your husband. Given time, he may start warming up to you and come to you, then you can meet him half way.

Now one thing that jumped out at me was that you said you're starting to become scared of him. If the situation gets dangerous, you need to get out. Again, because of your situation, there's very little you can actually do, but your safety remains paramount.

My feeling on being a stepmother is still a little raw, but Webjohi is right in saying let the father do the discpline because you will never win. I've been married for 16 years but after my stepdaughter moved in with us when she was 16, my marriage has never been the same. I should have left years ago but didn't(circumstances I couldn't control kept me stuck). The depression came and I had no will to do anything. There will never be the love, trust or intimacy that there was in the beginnng. It is only co-existance but it is comfortable I guess.

I agree with both replies. It can even become further complicated with blended families and two "only children" you cannot imagine or maybe you can. It is true the Step siblings will do many unusual behaviors even after they "grow up" and move out. At least this has been my experience. My pipe dream and reality have collided into the reality of what is, and how very complex life and living are these days.
Some days are better than others. With my H son, I have known him since he was 10 and now that he is 24 we give each other space, and respect, also I know his habits background and "tricks" when he "acts" I call him on it and remind him where and who we are today. I am like a mentor to him, but we are not warm and fuzzy close.
My H has a "respect" first for my son and vice versa, my son is 36, so they relate more on equal respectful footing, but not buddies or pals. This works well so far. It is ongoing, building and learning with and through for us.

I hope this is somewhat helpful. I know there are lots of families who struggle, today is a challenging time to live in.

I wish you well, and good luck with your
"step children" love them as best as you can it is a tough spot to be in.

Jade

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I'm not a step-parent so I could be way off base, but have you thought about approaching him and asking him about the Facebook status update?
You could start off with something like "Hey Zach, I know I'm not your mom and I'm not trying to be, but I wanted to ask you about something I saw a little while back on Facebook that hurt my feelings."

Since it will be impossible to be a parental figure to him, be a friend. Friends usually speak honestly and openly with one another. If you treat him with respect, I'm sure he'll reciprocate in time.

I have a step-mother but my Dad did not remarry until I was in my early 20's. I actually had no idea he was even dating anyone as I was living in a completely different country at the time.
Our relationship was strained from the beginning and I remember being angry with her for changing my home. Suddenly my childhood home didn't feel like home anymore. They painted it, added new furniture etc. and I felt like a stranger in a place I should have felt most at home.
Our relationship came to the breaking point at Christmas that first year and I overheard her talking to my grandmother about my "entitled" behaviour. (I didn'T want to watch Scrooge Christmas morning, as we had watched the movie the night before, so I went on the computer to check my e-mail which was apparently a no-no.) I flipped out on her and left and I didn't speak to her or my dad for a long time.

Among other small issues, the biggest issue I had with her is that she didn't treat me like an adult or with respect.
This is why I suggested you approach him and speak with him openly about the way he spoke of you on Facebook.

BTW, my step-mother and I are now good friends LOL

I was the female version of your stepson at that age (but never got accused of smelling, did have rather stringy/oily hair though :-) let me see if I can remember back to that painful time with my stepmother. She tried to stuff a washcloth down my throat one time because I was lying about bathing. It's not about the "obvious".

I did not see all the things my stepmother did for me, the cooking, cleaning, and otherwise "providing" because I was too shut down and introspective. My mother died when I was 3, I do not remember her. It sounds very confusing for your stepson having his mother and you, maybe unconsciously wishing for the "normal" father/mother household. He's an only child, too? There is nothing to get any focus off of him? If you do not have anything in common, don't "get" him (not your fault!) you all could be missing each other in trying to communicate, all he hears/feels is complaints and people trying to control him and make him something they think is right without helping him find what he might like to explore for himself and that it is safe emotionally to do so?

It is hard to put ourselves in someone else's position, especially if it is not a natural position for us? Too, he is a child, does not have the words or wherewithal to understand himself, has no way to communicate except the very basic, resisting/opposing. He has no tools or means of getting any. Has not learned anything, experienced anything firsthand.

I would see if you could maybe get an older teenager tutor for him? That helped me a little (though I fought it, felt very insulted that it was suggested that I needed it), I did not do my homework and was doing poorly in French (among others but French was not something I could fake) and having someone there who did not pressure, was patient and closer to my age and situation, etc. I opened up a little bit and at least did better in French :-) I do not know if that would work with boys though?

I have three brothers and my oldest had similar problems with our stepmother. I think your stepson needs a wider environment? Are there any YMCA/Boys and Girls club activities, something/anything at all that he likes that could put him in other people's company so maybe he would like to conform better to some things (everyone showering after sports, for example)?

I know now, if I could do it all over again I would myself go out of my room and try to talk to my stepmother (she and I did not communicate well), ask her questions about herself and maybe try to share some of my difficulties/feelings. Maybe spending more time with him while doing day-to-day things, not do "for" him but "with" him?

My wife and I met after my messy divorce. My son and daughter always hated my wife and her three children for every reason imaginable and suffered the most severe psychological warfare in my ex-wife's efforts to ruin the relationship between my children and my wife and me. They were 10 and 13 at the time and this continued for years through recordings, text messages and other means. My daughter has moved out and in with my ex-wife and my son, now 16, is split between us on visitation. My ex had just started another huge push to get my son full time. Every time he complains to her about me she asks him to change custody. He's blowing up our home and says he wants to move in with his mother full time. He hates my wife but is cordial with her. He is extremely hateful towards me. I don't know what to do. My wife does everything for him. Sometimes I think the best thing to do is just not react to his attitude.
I need some suggestions.