I need healthy direction!

My kids are my life. I have been making attempts to find me time and maintain balance, I'm getting better at that. My question is, and I realize it may sound ridiculous, is sometimes I just don't know how to handle them. 1, 5 and 10, all at very differnt dev stages, that alone has me feeling like someone gets left out. Mom guilt, is like a poisonous sludge that finds a way to creep into each of my days! I fight it, but I often feel defeated. Ok that is all very vague. Here is a solid example of my struggles. Most of my struggles at this point are with my son. He needs constant stimulation....."whos ganna play with me" "where are we going" "whats next" and when I do sit to play with him I am at fault a bit because I haaaaate pretend play and he wants to dictate how we play, every part of it, and when I pick a game or way to interact he doesn't want to play anymore. Often I have to repeat myself to get him to follow through on anything. Its beyond frustrating. I think a more structured day would help. The problem is I don't have a healthy model to draw from. I don't remember my parents really ever sitting down to "play" with me. I see a pattern and it makes me so fuming mad. Its where the adults have no time or patients for the kids and the kids feel unworthy and unwanted. Developing to their full potential is comprimised. I am soooo afraid of that. SOMEONE TEACH ME HOW TO PARENT! Its funny but its not. Seriously though, Im petrified of screwing it all up. HELP.

More questions for fellow parents or professionals who may have advice....
What does a good schedule look like?
What chores should I expect them to do? and what consequences are appropriate if rules are broken?

some days I feel like I shouldn't be a parent.

Having them clean up after themselves. My 10 year old can help me carry trash and recycling up. They have all made valiant attempts at laundry folding (6/8/10-ages). I don't always enjoy playtime, and am honest with them. Sure, there are kids in this world who come out of childhood feeling unwanted and unloved. I'm sure, it's not because Mommy/Daddy didn't want to play tea time some days.

I like the old saying, 'kids don't come with instruction manuals'.

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I expect everything out of them that they can handle without negative effects. If they can do it, they should do it. That is of course allowing for what they can handle. Every kid needs time to play, be loved, learn, and just be a kid. But I do believe it is never too early to start responsible habits and the understanding of responsibility. You are under no obligation to sit down and play the way he wants to play. I once heard that quality time is not the amount of time, but how it's spent. A five minute story that you both enjoy is better than 30 min. of floor time that is a power struggle and really not any fun. Floor time can be great though if you get creative. You can also make it educational. especially if they don't realize they are being taught. When my kids are being overwhelming in attention. I tell them honestly that I love them very much and I like doing things with them, but sometimes every person needs some quiet time. We can play in a bit when and if....I honestly don't know how to tell you what consequences are appropriate. Some things work for some kids in some situations. I do know that the times I have problems are when I am not in control of my emotions like I should be and my execution in manner of dictating, speaking, guiding, etc. to them is not controlled. My kids only get spanked when they are doing or have done something that can have a devastating effect. Something life threatening for example. They are very well behaved most of the time. I am realizing that the more i'm stable, consistent, and in control of myself, the more in control i am of them. I don't let them stay up late either. I hear of a lot of parents keeping their kids up until the kid is so tired that they want to go to bed. I think that is unhealthy for the child because they need a certain amount of sleep and will push the limit as far as they can. I also think it's unhealthy for the parents because that is a needed break from a lot of stress. My kids go to bed at 7:30-8:00. no later. they are 3 and 4. I know I sound like I know what i'm doing, but what you are feeling is something i am far too familiar with. Read some of my other posts. I think every mom on the planet gets so overwhelmed and thinks so badly of how they are doing. It will pass.

Thank you for the feedback. It is true, when I'm feeling at my worst, that is when my son is so demanding. I bet he feels the uncertainty and it effects him. He is sooooo much more needy then. Very valuable advice. Thanks so much.