Need parenting help

I'm new to this site, but would like any advice you may have. I have an 11 year old son. He is a really good kid. President of his elementary school, typically an all A student, well-liked, good athlete, good son. I am a single mom and I am very involved in his (and his 8 year old brother's) life, including much volunteering at school, sports coach, and social coordinator. I work hard to instill the values in them that I prioritize as important - family, responsibility, Church, honesty, hard work, etc. I do not indulge the kids with material things, but I do give them a pretty big helping of love, affection and time.

That being said, I've been witnessing some worrisome behavior from my 11 year old. I don't want to label him, so I will describe what I am seeing. He tends to be developing a huge focus on himself, as well as developing a growing obsession with material things. He tends to (rather politely I might add) devalue the things his friends have or do. We do not have a lot of money, but we certainly have everything we need. We live in a fairly affluent area of the city, but a fairly laid-back intown environment. This year, when I asked the boys to be thinking about a few things they wanted to ask Santa for, he brought me a list that said: a mansion, a huge flat-screen tv and a new car! He thought he was being funny but quickly recognized the appalled look on my face and back-tracked immediately. This is a small, silly example, but it is typical of his behavior. If we order pizza, he will be the first to run to the kitchen to ensure he gets the biggest pieces with no regard to anyone else eating with him. If I take him out to get a birthday present for a family member or friend, he will grab the first thing he sees and be done. If he is thinking about what he might want for a birthday, he will spend hours research exactly what he would like.

I know he is young, but I need to figure out a way to get him to think of others first, and to be less materialistic. I fear these traits will only grow with him if I can't figure out a way to get him to see things differently. I'm pretty certain that he does not see these traits in me, but I could be wrong. He sees my ex 4 days/month. The traits I am seeing in him are exactly the traits I saw in my ex for 13 years. I know I may be a little sensitive because of that, but I try to keep it all in perspective.

Any thoughts, suggestions, etc. would be welcome! Thank you

I give my son a price range before he picks gifts. He has 10 gifts in order of important he has to put a star next to the one that if he only got that it would make his Christmas. I serve dinner so the pizza thing won't happen. I have my son pick out people's gifts online.

Im not a parent so perhaps my advice is not any good, but I thought I would offer a suggestion. Perhaps you could start taking him to visit people or volunteer with people who have much less than you, start to get him to realise that he is bloody lucky to have the life he does. Even volunteering with the disabled can be a big wake up call, teach him to be appreciative that he has a functioning body and a loving caring family. Being only 11, children can be extremely selfish but kudos to you for trying to redirect this behaviour. You sound like a really great parent.

It could be, in some ways, age appropriate behavior, of a soon to be teenage boy. I hear you about concerns about picking up traits from your ex, and I hear you about concerns about learning to have empathy and less focus on material things.

I agree, about getting children involved with service orientated, charitable endeavors. Giving them, a sense that there's others around them and hopefully encouraging a level of empathy.

In a small moment, I took the Santa list, as wanting things that include you, as well? As in, mom, I'd love to live in a mansion with you? Maybe, he'd like finer things for you? And this was an 11 year old boys way, of wishing to give to his mom?

Sounds like you are raising a fine young man. Remember, to give yourself a pat on the back, and treat yourself, well.

I think it is hard to teach kids to dream about the future and what they want and keep them anchored in the present at the same time. I did not have any trouble with the mansion/TV/car response and he thinking it is "funny"; I have no trouble with him wanting those things but he needs to learn to also stay in the present (size of pizza slice).

Sounds like he could be a little anxious about where things come from and whether he can/will get what he, himself, wants in the future. It is natural when someone says, "what do you want" to put thought into it! We are the only ones who can get for us what we decide we want.

I would look at my own attitude toward material things and how they remind me of my ex-, etc. and how that could get in the way of helping my son learn about the world. Wouldn't you like a larger house or better car, etc. if you could afford it? An 11 year old does not understand how much these things cost and what relationship they have to pizza (or going to college, another "thing"/education). If he puts big things on his lists, I would laugh with him and say something innocuous like, "wouldn't that be nice if we could afford that!" but I would get down on his grabbing the first/largest piece of pizza. That may not be all greed but worry about getting his "share" of life? If he looks around and knows how hard you work and looks at what his friends/acquaintances might have that is an unavoidable lesson too? I would give him reassurance that he will always get enough pizza but not always the first or biggest slice. I would set clear rules about who dishes out the pizza slices (you) and treat it more like a lesson on manners instead of life? Picking gifts for others, too, if he does not know the friend/relative that well or care that much about them (how does he do picking out for his brother or you?) he may need a little more guidance from you too; make it a game and have him find 3 things he thinks the other person would like and tell you why/try to sell them to you and you'll pick the "best"? That can give you an opportunity to teach about relative worth of items (easy to pick out a house/TV/car but "more expensive than I would like to spend right now" versus "too inexpensive, this person is more important to me/you/us" can get him thinking about choice in what to spend money on, too).

There is nothing inherently wrong with liking big, new things and going after them or inherently right in preferring to make sure other people are served before one serves one's self; they are personal choices. A parent can do a lot of guiding by example and by what choices they give a child but can't ultimately help a child by making it look "bad" that they want a bigger house, TV, car? All that does is add guilt to confusion instead of educating. Grabbing pizza slices is a boundary thing; you are in charge of dinner/your house, who gets what, not your son.

Wanting a big slice of pizza is not bad but he has to learn to ask, "Mom, may I have that big slice of pizza there?" and have you say, "Sure, let me get your bother a slice first and then I will serve you" or, "I would prefer if you had a smaller piece and then a second if you still feel hungry" or something like that. If all else is equal though, if the boys don't fight about who gets what and you don't want to always have to serve the pizza, that he wants/takes the largest slice is just something you would not choose to do? I know I was taught by my mother to serve the "man" the largest piece of meat and I'm 63 now and still have difficulty giving my husband a smaller piece of meat than mine I wish I had been taught "about" things and given choices rather than just given directives (don't grab the biggest slice of pizza). It has been harder to teach myself that I am "okay" and unteach myself the arbitrary rules my stepmother lived her life by? I want to respond to the other people and situations, not to my own interior set of arbitrary rules taught me.

He could just be normally figuring out his independence. It's a transitional age for it. Try to stay positive with him, he sounds like he likes to joke and play around.

I also know what it's like to see the ex's traits in the kids, it can be so frustrating & discouraging. but remember he has you in him too. And you're teaching him good things.

Sorry kind of a short response, I'm sleepy.

Start him on allowance and tell him it is for extras, that he wants. Games, name brand clothes etc. Bc even clothes cost money and most parents think, I am the parent I provide..but take your budget and give it to him. Shop with him, money in his hand, and let him see what it costs. My son is 10 and im 29 with 3 kids. He knows a lot about the cost of life, and understands this type of thing. Your soon will too!

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