Motivating teen

I'm not sure where to start, but here it goes. I have a 15-year-old son that a freshman. He was diagnosed with ADD about three years ago and takes 50mg of Vyvanse. My son has a good heart. More specifically, he is a good person and his day-to-day behavior is good. He's very good with his younger sister (age 6) and is generally pleasant to be around.

One of the biggest problems I have with him is getting him to do things without being told. This applies to school work and chores. It seems that I have to tell him almost every day to do the dishes or take out the garbage. I had him start doing his own laundry a couple years ago.

School work is the same way. His grades right now range from an A to a C-. He attends a Catholic High School and doesn't seem to get it that it's a privilege for him to go there. I've talked ad nausem to him about the importance of doing school work and turning things in on time. Frankly, I'm tired of it. He has service hours due on Thursday and has only completed five of the 10 needed. I'm told him that I am NOT going to help him find a way to complete the hours. I've made it clear that I'll take him to a place to complete the hours. He needs to do the let work here.

See, I want my son to learn to be self-reliant as time goes on. I do NOT want to be one of these parents that is constantly on his case to do things. It makes me feel like an enabler. I've come to the realization that this may just be who he is. We sometimes try so hard to get people to change their behavior and just end up smacking our heads against the wall.

I've tried taking things away and grounding him. It doesn't even seem to faze him. That's why I'm just taking a wait-and-see approach with the service hours. So far, I'm getting what I expected: he's made zero effort to get these completed on time (i.e. looking on his own as to what can be done).

I'll admit that I'm lazy, too. In fact, I refer to myself as being like a drop of water in that I look for the path of least resistance (to the ground, that is). In spite of that, we're all in control of our lives. I refuse to coddle him for the next 3.5 years of school. He is old enough to know what should be done. I'd appreciate feedback, comments, and suggestions on this. Thank you.

I think it's normal unfortunately for people with ADD to have trouble with starting & completing tasks. I have it, my 18 & 19 year olds have it. Looking back I wish I would've helped them more. I was worn out by the time they were 15, but now that age seems so young. Neither completed high school & I wish I would've helped them find more success.

If he doesn't respond to the negative consequences, like most with disorders it seems have that trait. It's like life is hard enough as it is, may as well get used to failing.

Focus on the small successes, send the message that you believe in him that he can do it. School days are likely stressful for him, I don't know how understanding the staff is or other peers. Kids & teachers can wreak havoc on self esteem.

It's a delicate age, a lot at risk like his self-esteem, risk of falling into a bad crowd that's given up trying to achieve. Both my older kids have drug issues, I'm glad you don't have that with him, but it's another risk to kids with disorders, or even any kid that age.

you don't have to bail him out of the service hours, but I think you should help him with it. Those hours can usually be done at home, our schools always allowed it. Helping around the house, helping with younger sister, etc. Why not help him have some successes like that, the small stuff that could help put some wind under his sails. You're not doing it for him, just shining a light on the path. show him you're proud of him for those things he does, like being a good kid, having a big heart, being a good big brother. Let him know these challenges are something you will get through together. you could even let him know it's hard for you to arrange & remind all the assignments, and it would be so appreciated & helpful if he could write down his assignments each day & get the homework done & out of the way. And that you adore him & believe he can do this.

I was worried about babying them, wanted them to learn how to adapt & realize they may have to work harder than the kids who easily remember their assignments & easily mold into the expected behavior. And I was offended when a counselor told me kindly she felt I needed to baby my son a little more. But in hindsight I feel she was right. The outside world is cruel enough.

What's his motivation for actually doing it other than not being in trouble?

If there are only negative consequences to everything, then it doesn't matter to do it. Take school work for example. I mean seriously, how smart are Snooky, Honey BooBoo and Kim Kardashian really? We inundate our kids with the idea they could be well off by working hard, but the proof they see is that you either have to be an athlete or idiot to make money (and that's really not far from the truth).

What are the positive consequences to him doing his chores? It's the same type of thing. If the only benefit is not getting in trouble then what does it matter?

Find his currency. Maybe it really is currency (money) or maybe it's praise or something like that. Give him a reason to want to do good in school or at home and he'll motivate himself. It's not easy and a perpetually moving target, but finding his currency is one of the best motivators out there.