Anxious 10 year old?

I'm the part-time quasi step parent of a wonderful 10 year old girl. Her dad and I live together in a long-term relationship but we aren't married. Dear Daughter lives mostly with her mom, and part time with us.

DD is a kind, caring, creative, clever, funny, easy-going 10 year old. Last year she loved school, this year she hates it and wants to change schools. She's having fairly frequent tummy aches that come on suddenly just before bedtime. I'm concerned about her because it's so reminiscent of myself at that age (and I know how that turned out)

She wants everyone to be happy and tries so hard to make it so that it seems like she forgets to be a kid some days. Her parents get along (barely, they don't fight in front of her or bad mouth each other, but DD has got to feel the tension)

As an example, we had taken her on a trip for a few days, so it had been almost a week since she had seen her mom. We got back yesterday but her mom was working nights. All evening she seemed a little off, then about 15 minutes after she went to bed she came out crying because she missed her mom. She had stewed over it all evening because she didn't want to tell her dad that she missed her mom because she didn't want to hurt his feelings. Dad has never stopped her from calling her mom, or going home early. But DD wants everyone to be happy so she lets it build up. The best we could do was call mom at work for a late night chat, then lots of cuddles.

How can I get this kid to open up? I don't have kids of my own so this parenting thing, even part time is pretty new to me. She and I are pretty close, we get along really well, and she'll come snuggle up to me, we talk about school and her friends and 10 year old stuff. It doesn't seem to matter what her dad and I say to reassure her that her job is to be a kid and let the adults be the adults, and that if she doesn't tell us if she's upset about something we can't try to fix it or talk about it.

I don't know where to start. I don't know if I'm reading too much in to her reactions, but she's missing a lot of school, which looking back was the first indicator for my anxiety issues so I'm concerned. Dad is a wonderful man, but pretty clueless about feelings and 10 year old girls in general. He's open to suggestion and desperately wants his daughter to be happy. What do I (or he) do "in the moment", and what do we do before or after a crisis?

Thoughts?

Children have the amazing ability to make everything their fault. They also have the amazing capacity to turn adult jobs into their problems.

The tummy aches and hating school are classic symptoms of stress in a child; my daughter had them too. She really does need some help dealing with the situation and I would suggest a child therapist. I'm not sure how far out from the divorce they are, but you can bet she projects that onto herself.

I agree with Web that some therapy sounds in order. The earlier it starts the better the outcome. My other suggestion would be you and your partner letting her know that it is okay for her to share her feelings about missing her mom or any other feelings related to her parents with you guys. And be very blunt about it so she doesn't have to guess the meaning of what you are saying. Let her know you wont be angry at her no matter what she shares. The second part of this is then being able to stay calm when she shares things that aren't easy to hear (anger, rage, fear etc are possibilities). Since she seems to be hating school this year, checking in on how things are going at school with her main teacher is important. Find out how things are going academically and socially. There might be something that is happening at school (bullying, trouble with academics etc) that she isn't sharing with you two.

It is wonderful that you are so involved in her life and concerned about her. She is likely to have such concerned parents. As you said that dad doesn't understand 10 yr old girls very well (not surprising especially if he didn't have sisters) have her teach him something that she enjoys doing. It will strengthen their bond and let him learn more about what life is like through her eyes. I hope things work out.