I told my teenage son I HATE him

I posted this under communication and relationships but hopefully will get some more input on this forum:

I'm at the end of the rope. I'm trying my best and I let him get the best of me again. I can't even speak to him without having to maneuver out of his loaded manipulation of words. I can't walk away without him verbally attacking me. Sometimes I attack back and others I ignore and walk away. Either way I am miserable.
There's a back story that's too long but as soon as I got home after work, while trying to deal with his behavioral issues and school administration simultaneously,I am bombarded. (he knows the best time to catch me with my guard weakened) it continued through the night as we try to get through dinner and homework. My son has add/OCD btw.

So I finally lost it. I could feel it boiling and part of me told myself not to say it and I just boiled over anyway. And I repeated it. I know it just gave him some satisfaction to hear me so angry. Thats his thing... and i havent broken the cycle yet.
And then when im done and away from him, I crumble in shame but I'm still so angry. I've never said that before. How do I bounce back from this? What do I even say at this point. Do I just ignore him for a while?

Is your son on medication? Is your son in therapy? Are you in family therapy? you both could probably benefit from this together.

I know it is hard to put up with the things your son says or does, but you are an adult, you know better, you are the mom. You can never take those words back and all teenagers say and do things they do not mean at times, they are teenagers, their brains are not fully formed, they are emotional, and clearly your son is going through some issues, but as a mom you saying "i hate you" well you just put yourself right down to a child like level.

You say he verbally attacks you and I understand that can be frustrating and difficult and I am hoping like I said above that he and you both are already in counseling separately and together, that would be very helpful. Why would you attack back? What exactly are you looking to accomplish? To win? Your doing exactly what he wants you to do. He wants you to respond to those things he says and by doing so you are getting on his level. There are a lot of really wonderful ways to handle these situations that you learn in therapy.

Your son is clearly unhappy with his life and is struggling and you are his mom need to be his number 1 support. So since you both are miserable, where do you want to go from here?

And you don't ignore him, you apologize and show him how an adult acts when they make a mistake, because he doesn't know how that works yet clearly. You say you are sorry for what you said, that you love him and could never hate him, that you just lost it for a minute and should choose your words more carefully because they have an impact on people.

You reached your breaking point with him. Explain to him, when things are calm, with an apology how you reached that point. You are human.

Yeah, we are all adults, lets not judge without being there in the day to day with the years of history build up.

Everyone says things they don't mean sometimes....I mean some of the verbal attacking your son does might be things he doesn't actually mean. But yeah even teens without any diagnosable mental issues can be very difficult, stubborn and sometimes do seem to just want more attention...but that combined with having mental conditions can make things really hard I mean I was a teen not so long ago and so yeah I know at times I was very difficult and sometimes it was to hide that I was struggling and actually felt lonely and vulnerable. If he's not in therapy or anything I'd agree its a good idea to maybe try to get him to go to therapy...and perhaps it would do you some good to look into it to have some more support coping with this a therapist who deals with this kind of thing could probably help you handle it better.

Do you have a support system in your life? It can be so hard dealing with teenagers. Having the support you need can go a long way to help.

It can be frustrating, especially dealing with this on a daily basis. There don't seem to be any breaks sometimes, even if we get some time that others might think is down time.

It sounds like he needs help, but from experience, I know they don't always accept it and can even go so far as to make sure they don't get it. Please take time for you. If you do this, you will be able to help your son more. Kind of like putting your own oxygen mask on first before putting it on the child.

Please take gentle care. You are cared for here.

Hey, listen? A lot of kids are like that during this phase, ok? If you attack back, it will only encourage him. Be patient, and do the right thing.