[livelaughlove22]

I am taking care of my friends 5 year old daughter for a while. Her and her ex husband are divorced and she recently discovered that anytime she's been at his house the past two years and a half years, she's been sexually abused by him and his friends.It hit her very hard and she is going to get help for depression, before living with her daughter again because she doesn't want the environment to be unstable.

My question is if the following behaviors are normal for little girls, or if there is something behaviorwise I need to be concerned about?

Is it normal for her to always want to be alone?
Is it normal that she doesn't like being hugged or cuddled?
Is it normal that she wants to do EVERYTHING herself? Doesn't want to be put to bed, let me make her anything to eat, read to her or anything?
For her to Run, hide and soothe herself when she cries?

[A Red Panda]

Have you read about Attachment theory? She sounds like she has an Avoidant Attachment style.

Her behaviour sounds like it's a result of trauma, and the her living environment. Some children learn to take care of themselves because there is no one around who will do it for them... or they have to be the caretakers for the others around them.

I had a lot of similar behaviour to her when I was young - although I did enjoy being read to as it was one of the few things that my mom did with me. Oh, and make food because I wasn't allowed to! But I comforted myself, and I liked being alone most of the time (I liked being with friends, and when other adults were visiting I liked to be around then, because I didn't have to worry about my mom or brother as much).

Sometimes not liking to be hugged or cuddled is because you aren't used to it because no one does that simply out of love. It could be an expected/forced/uncomfortable thing - like when a kid is forced to give a distant relative a hug or a kiss when they don't know them and are sort of scared of them. It could also be a result of any abuse (I'm unclear if it's the girl, or the mom, who's been sexually abused?). If it's the child, then yeah, physical touch or proximity could definitely be triggering.

[livelaughlove22]

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

Have you read about Attachment theory? She sounds like she has an Avoidant Attachment style.

Her behaviour sounds like it's a result of trauma, and the her living environment. Some children learn to take care of themselves because there is no one around who will do it for them... or they have to be the caretakers for the others around them.

I had a lot of similar behaviour to her when I was young - although I did enjoy being read to as it was one of the few things that my mom did with me. Oh, and make food because I wasn't allowed to! But I comforted myself, and I liked being alone most of the time (I liked being with friends, and when other adults were visiting I liked to be around then, because I didn't have to worry about my mom or brother as much).

Sometimes not liking to be hugged or cuddled is because you aren't used to it because no one does that simply out of love. It could be an expected/forced/uncomfortable thing - like when a kid is forced to give a distant relative a hug or a kiss when they don't know them and are sort of scared of them. It could also be a result of any abuse (I'm unclear if it's the girl, or the mom, who's been sexually abused?). If it's the child, then yeah, physical touch or proximity could definitely be triggering.

It was the little girl who was abused.

[livelaughlove22]

Originally Posted by livelaughlove22

It was the little girl who was abused.

Thank you for your help

[A Red Panda]

Poor girl I'd definitely let her set the pace of things... she won't trust you, and if you push too much she'll withdraw and trust you even less. Try more verbal assurances and affection, and verbally offer things like hugs where she has the option to decline or accept.

Like... I never went through that sort of abuse, but I do have a lot of various symptoms of trauma. If someone touches me unexpectedly, I cringe, freeze, and/or panic. Sometimes I'll even lash out verbally "GET AWAY" or "DON'T TOUCH ME!" (I've learned to surpress that pretty good).

If she doesn't want you to make food for her, you could try making things together. Ask her if she'd like to bake cookies with you, or make your own personalized pizzas together.

Can she read, and do you have books that she can read? You could always have reading time where you're both in the room reading together, but you not reading TO her if she doesn't like that (could also offer a colouring book she can use, and you can read near her and occassionally stop to chat).

How is she when it comes to bath time? I can't imagine that she's comfortable with you in there to wash her hair based on the things you've said. If she struggles with having you anywhere near her naked body, you could see if she'd want to have a bath with a swimsuit on (it would make her feel less exposed).

What does she like to do when she's on her own?

[winter4me]

Sounds 'normal' given the circumstances. Hope mom will also be getting help for the child with someone skilled in dealing with early sexual abuse.
I would be more concerned (if one could be more concerned) if she were too affectionate, clinging to others, and acting towards males in a manner inappropriate to her age---as this might reflect an "acceptance" of the abuse as "normal", or "in her control".
Also hope mom can be there for her during this time with the help of a therapist; it is so important she does not feel that she has lost both parents...(but understand mom needs to do what is best for her in order to do what is best for her daughter) Glad she has a friend like you to provide support, and a home during this difficult time...and it is the beginning in many ways...

[alicetailor]

No, this is not normal for a kid of her age. You need to take more care of her and try getting attached to her. Try talking to her and indulging her in different games. I'm sure with time, she will get better.

[dottom]

I agree that considering the circumstances these behaviors are "normal", however considering what she is going through if she isn't in counselling or therapy yet, she needs to be. She has not only been abused but most likely feels abandoned by her parents no matter how well the tried to explain. She needs to find a safe place or person to express these feelings, a counselor or therapist is trained for that. If she is in therapy or counselling maybe mention your conserns to her, she would know for sure what to be concerned about. Whatever you do please don't let this fester, I was her, i held it in, no one should feel that way or have to deal with the consequences of holding it in.

[jimmy rich]

Originally Posted by livelaughlove22

Is it normal for her to always want to be alone?
Is it normal that she doesn't like being hugged or cuddled?
Is it normal that she wants to do EVERYTHING herself? Doesn't want to be put to bed, let me make her anything to eat, read to her or anything?
For her to Run, hide and soothe herself when she cries?

All of those are "normal" or typical when someone has been abused, mistreated, traumatized, hurt, neglected or DAMAGED by others such as their parents. It's pretty much like PTSD due to being traumatized.
I was very "touchy" and a loner thanks to lots of inadequate and hurtful parenting plus abuse from my older brother. We were all (kids and parents) victims of bad and inadequate parenting so we had most of the symptoms you outlined above.
Now, the question is: How to get over it?

I went through childhood longterm sexual abuse and i did all those behaviours - its how you survive in that situation. You learn to look after yourself because you are not being looked after by your abuser.

[jimmy rich]

Originally Posted by 8888an8888

its how you survive in that situation.

I agree with this.
good luck,'
jim