Frustrated and Hurt with my daughter

My 15 year old daughter is completely out of control. She steals from me, lies to me CONSTANTLY, she won't stop smoking cigarettes, and she basically thinks she can do whatever she pleases, when she pleases. She has also ran away 5 times in the past 8 months or so. We are both diagnosed bi-polar. I also have p.t.s.d. and severe anxiety disorder. She also has severe anxiety and possible p.t.s.d. I was a victim of domestic violence for almost 18 years and unfortunately she did witness some of it. We've been away from her father for over 5 years now. I have given this child everything I possibly can but nothing is good enough. And as soon as something doesn't go her way she has a fit, throws stuff, breaks things, runs away etc. I'm pulling at strings here. I have her on medication, she's in counseling, I'm in counseling, we do family counseling. I really don't know what else to do. She's constantly grounded. I take her phone, xbox, ipod, I even took clothes away from this girl! If anyone has any suggestions, that would be terrific! I just can't take much more, I'm seriously considering some type of a boot camp or a scared straight program!

I hear what you are saying about your daughter but she has good ... no, great qualities, no doubt. Before you go off the deep end, try pointing out to her that she is a child of the Universe, perfect in every way, that you love her just as she is ... that you are certain she has a great life ahead of her and good to give to the world.

Drop the labels and spend time with her being non-judgmental ... just talking and loving her, just where she is. Listen to her, be with her, and surround her with love and approval for the good that she is. When she does something 'bad', point out that you know her as someone above that type of behavior and then really look to find it in her. Be solid and strong in your love for and belief in her. Give this time and she will lose her fear (that is what is under all of the behavior you are describing - fear) come to see herself this way, also.

How do you think that came about ? Did she always get her way when she was younger ? Instead of punishing her " Non stop " try to LISTEN to what she has to say.

Boot camp places are often terrible and cause more harm than good..

I would consider talking with her pdoc about the medications she takes. Maybe she needs a different dosage, or something altogether different. Does she have a good relationship with her therapist? We are on our 4th therapist for DD and we finally have a good fit! Our DD is 15 as well and also has PTSD (adoption and a rape) and anxiety. Lithium and a low does of Abilify seems to really work well for her. Our daughter also had to spend time in a residential treatment center to get the appropriate diagnosis and medication. You need to explore further with her doctor I think, or if you cannot get any satisfaction, try a different doc. Please do not do a wilderness experience. Those programs do not address the mental health issues our kids have.

Nancy

I can't offer any advice, but I feel your pain. I have the same type of issues with my 15 year old and can't distinguish between her being a brat or actually having a legitimate disorder. Such a difficult age. Take care of yourself.

Hello: May I address your problems as the child I once was?
When I was little, I began doing "bad" things because of EXTREMELY INADEQUATE parenting which FAILED to let me to stay in love with and keep the respect that I had for my parents because THEY, not I, broke the love/respect bond that I had for them from birth with plain old BAD parenting so I just got worse and worse as time went by.

Their brutal and/or negligent styles of parenting FORCED me to become: a liar, thief, bully, sneak and I often dreamed of running away from their unhappy, painful home. I never got as bad as your daughter but came very close thanks to TERRIBLE parenting which set up the whole rotten mess to begin with. If only our parents had been even just a little bit kinder, happier and SANER, I would have been a much different, less difficult child but, sadly our parents simply did not know how to be good parents and NEVER tried to learn how but preferred to stay with the standard "blame the child" attitude that was and perhaps still is the parental policy of that day ('40s-'50s).

Dad was a violent, alcoholic while mom was spineless enabler. He cussed, smoked and was the most frightening person alive! Mom was a little better but NEVER stood up for us kids to protect us from her sadistic husband! I could go on and on about their flaws, failings and OFFENSES (just as you are about your daughter) but the main point is that THEY, not me, created all of the conditions that eventually led to my misbehaviors and then turned it all on me as though I had been BORN BAD!

I suppose the easy thing is to blame my behavior and theirs on an assortment of "disorders" but, IMO, most of what we suffered from was BAD PARENTING which is what happened to my parents, their parents, their parents and on and on back through time. Giving bad behavior some fancy label [ADD, ADHD, DPD, DDDDDDDDDDDDD] may satisfy a doctor but it still comes down to plain old BAD PARENTING in my current opinion.

In my experience, therapy and a sincere desire to change for the better WITHOUT DRUGS is the only solution for a parent or a child plus some kind of spiritual awakening such as the 3rd step of AA teaches (turn it over).

[quote][We are both diagnosed bi-polar. I also have p.t.s.d. and severe anxiety disorder./QUOTE]
Those conditions would definitely damage a child and it looks like that is what has happened in your family.

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She also has severe anxiety and possible p.t.s.d.

Exactly how did all of that come about? I'd guess those conditions alone can explain her rebellious behavior. Someone or something had severely DAMAGED her - who or what????

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I was a victim of domestic violence for almost 18 years and unfortunately she did witness some of it. We've been away from her father for over 5 years now.

Well, there it is! She is an acting out trauma survivor and being away from an abusive parent may not suddenly erase the very bad conditioning that drives her current behavior plus she is still with you - a damaged role model.

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I have given this child everything I possibly can but nothing is good enough. And as soon as something doesn't go her way she has a fit, throws stuff, breaks things, runs away etc.

Yes, all because of being traumatized by terrible parenting! If she had ever been given good, loving, adequate and HEALTHY parenting, none of this would be happening and she would be a happy, well adjusted, sensible person now. That's the way it was in our home = bad parenting produced bad kids, it's just that simple!

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I'm pulling at strings here. I have her on medication, she's in counseling, I'm in counseling, we do family counseling. I really don't know what else to do.

Have your counselors ever explained to you how and why she became like this and what you need to do, besides punishing her, to HELP her?
Our parents used every kind of FEAR BASED punishment imaginable but none of that HELPED us and only sent us underground to pull our stunts behind their IGNORANT backs! They probably thought they had real well behaved kids but we were only fearfully OBEDIENT to their stupid faces then totally rotten when their heads were turned all because they, not us, made it impossible to be good and honorable in their very SICK home!

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She's constantly grounded. I take her phone, xbox, ipod, I even took clothes away from this girl! If anyone has any suggestions, that would be terrific! I just can't take much more,

This is what I would have told my own parents = FIX THE HORRIBLE FLAWS IN YOUR OWN PARENTING and then figure out how to HELP us kids! I could have told my pathetic parents TONS of things they could have and should have done to prevent my older brother from ending up in State prison for ARMED ROBBERY and I even tried back when he was only doing petty thefts from the local market. I would have told my parents to KNOCK OFF the harsh punishments and switch over to: kindness, love, friendship, listen to what us kid have to say, ASK US what we need from you, do whatever it takes to change and improve your own HORRIBLE parenting and GIVE US SOME RESPECT! I could go on and on with what I would have said to my inadequate, ignorant parents about their lousy parenting but the bottom line would still be = FIX YOUR PARENTING, then you won't need to fix your kids!

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I'm seriously considering some type of a boot camp or a scared straight program!

LOL, that "tough love" approach will only make her more bitter and angry although, there is a possibility that being away at a boot camp will give her some relief from the unhappy & damaging home she is currently stuck in and have contact with healthier role models. She doesn't need to be "scared straight" - she already has enough negatives in her life as it is. She needs to be LOVED STRAIGHT! Such a FEARFUL approach might slow her down for a while but then the bad parental conditioning she suffers with now will eventually come creeping back in.

Finally, please do not take any of this as an attack against or contempt towards you. This is only my HONEST opinion as a wounded child myself even if I am 76 yo now. I am not a parent but I was a child and so I am free to both speak the truth about (my) parenting and speak as a child rather than have to speak as an adult (who has lost touch with their own childhood).
good luck fixing the flaws in your parenting,
jim

"can't distinguish between her being a brat or actually having a legitimate disorder." ... or could it simply be FAULTY PARENTING?

"Such a difficult age."
IMO, there is no such thing as a "difficult age" but there very definitely is such a thing as BAD PARENTING based on my experiences as the victim of it. The only "advice" I can offer is = FIX YOUR OWN INADEQUATE PARENTING - then your kid wont' be so "difficult" or a "brat".

Yes, like maybe more adequate parenting ???
How about the relationship with her SO - her parents?
Or consider getting professional help on your parenting methods!

Jimmy Rich, that is the worst thing you can say to a parent who is struggling with a child who is diagnosed with a mental illness. I know because many people have looked at my husband and I like we are at fault for our daughter's sarcastic words, missing a lot of school because she is "just" depressed, etc. We, ALL parents of children with a mental illness, are struggling more than you can imagine and to hear that and know its assumed by certain people HURTS! This woman is asking for help and support and you basically come here and blame her for her child's behavior! Nothing could be further from the truth!

Furthermore, IF your theory were correct, how do you explain our daughter's problems? We have two young adult sons who work hard and are respectful, compliant and caring. They are both in college and one is married and even cooks dinner for his wife if he arrives home before she does. We adopted our daughter at birth, or rather she came to us as a foster child at the age of 17 days. Her biological mother had bipolar as did her biological uncle. The bio grandfather has bipolar as well and he sexually and emotionally abused his children. Their bio mother couldn't deal with it and left them. The bio uncle committed suicide in his 20s. Bio mom is addicted to drugs and alcohol. The bio aunt, whom we have met in person is NOT diagnosed with bipolar. She lived with the exact same abuse and abandonment, yet she has a stable marriage, a stable job, is working on her second degree and has children in college. At the age of 11 our child started displaying behavior we had a lot difficulty controlling. She went through periods of major depression with several suicide attempts. She has cut herself for years, been diagnosed with an eating disorder and has major anxiety. I guess though based on your theory we are bad parents. Yeah, that would explain it all. Makes sense to me!

Nancy

I'm sorry your finding life hard and I understand that your daughter is unwell but to be honest she sounds like a typical teenager. My poor Parents went through the wringer raising my siblings and myself, the police searching the house, the police bring drunk kids home, cannabis, teen pregnancy, not going to school, fights, violence and suicide attempts to name a few of the trials but we all made it through in one piece maybe a little scarred but we ok.

And so will you

Hello:
I am very sorry for the unhappy situation you and your child are in.
If I were you, I would go to as many different professional therapists and counselors as I possibly could find to help me understand my child and myself to find some solutions to our problems. I would leave no stone unturned in a search for the answers and SOLUTIONS for our issues.
I have actually done the things I am writing about here and am happy to say that I did find the solutions to almost all of my "issues" and continue to stay open for whatever other solutions to my "problems" that might appear.
For what it's worth, my latest and best "solution" is to use the 3rd step of AA [http://12step.org/the-12-steps/step-3.html] which is helping me find freedom and peace these days.
I would never send my damaged child to a boot camp or a scared straight program as I'd know that my child is hurting and damaged too much as it is. I'd go to whoever or whatever I could find to LOVINGLY help my kid (and me).
good luck finding those solutions,
jim