5 year old girl timeout help continued from previous

I am taking care of my friends 5 year old daughter for a while. Her and her ex husband are divorced and she recently discovered that anytime her daughter has been at his house the past two years and a half years, she's been sexually abused by him and his friends.It hit the mother very hard that this happened to the little girl and she is going to get help for depression, before living with her daughter again because she doesn't want the environment to be unstable. Originally she was supposed to be returned to her soon, but it does not look like that will be happening, I will be getting custody for a while.

She still won't willingly go to timeout. I have no idea what to do. She hit me one time and ran away. She's asks
Why do I have to go to timeout?
Why do I get timeouts?
Why are you so mean?
Why can't I do whatever I want?

How do I answer these? Please help.

Not all children are wired for time outs, although that's the most recommended discipline method. Are there privileges that can be deprived? You mentioned hitting behavior, if sent to her room without privileges, what would happen?
My oldest, didn't respond to this method nor to a rewards system, for good behavior. He tends to get himself into an emotional state of mind, that once in it, it's as though he cannot get past the elevated emotions that he is feeling.
What I've been learning with him, is that I need to anticipate when he getting towards an emotional whirlwind. It's about deescalating the situation, before it happens. Because once there, even the threat of punishment isn't a deterrent. It's been long and arduous. It's an inflexible thinking pattern.

He will still suffer consequences, but sometimes those consequences come after the melting down.

More prone, when he isn't getting his way, when tired, when hungry. When he feels that life has tossed him a big ball of unfairness. I've learned trying to create an environment where he feels he has a say, in compromising behavior. For instance, I'd like him to get off his gaming, and eat or share time with his brothers. It's up to me, to say, at such and such a time, I will need you off of this. I will then, set a kitchen timer. When the timer goes off, finish up, he has 5 minutes and will set the timer. It gives him a semblance of stability. That's one way, I counter having him do what's expected and then not having him as emotional. Rewards, such as a weekly allowance, even, aren't conducive to his emotions. I reward with each task expected. Otherwise, an entitled thought sets in.

I am not sure, if some of what I do, helps your situation. Remember, safety first. He's been prone to violent lashing out, as well. Creating a safe environment for myself, my other children and property matters.

Also, another thing, I've set up, is a consequence list, on my fridge. I add with each undesirable behavior. I list the behavior and the consequence, and it is posted on my fridge. There is another list, of the date and punishment duration. Keeps me consistent with following through with what I guaranteed would happen.

She isn't used to any form of real parenting, and is used to things much much worse than time outs. So of course she doesn't want to listen to you and will call you mean.

But answer the questions with her honestly. Explain why there are rules and why it is important to listen to them.

Why do I have to go to timeout?
Because you didn't follow the rules and this is what happens. I need you to follow the rules and the time out is to help you remember them. (Some rules are in place to keep her safe, others so make sure that your property is safe I'm sure... explain which it is to her and why).

Why do I get timeouts?
Because you chose to not follow the rules. (as above, explain what rule she broke and why you have that rule for her).

Why are you so mean?
I'm not being mean, it was your choice to not listen. I'm sorry that you feel I'm being mean, how do you think I feel since you ignored me? (let her answer). Well, I feel very sad and disappointed that you ignored me when that rule is there to keep things safe.

Why can't I do whatever I want?
Because if I'm not here to watch you, you might get hurt. Or you might break something which would make me very sad because they belong to me. Plus, when you're all grown up you're still going to have to do things you don't want to do, like changing poopy diapers (might get a giggle or at least lighten the mood) and you still won't be allowed t do everything you want to.. like you can't rob a bank or you'll go to jail, no matter how much you want the money!.

Just give her honest answers. Rules are in place to keep people and things safe. She doesn't understand that, and that's ok, most 5 year olds don't understand that. They need to have it explained to them, again and again.

These are great answers...consistency is probably the most important thing. She is testing you and testing boundaries. Show her that your response will be the same and that you will not hurt her.

Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives.
~ Maya Angelou

If she isn't in therapy she should be. Her behaviors are common to traumatized children.

Here is a website with good information about childhood trauma: Sexual Abuse | National Child Traumatic Stress Network - Child Trauma Home

For goodness sake, the kid was traumatized by her father and abandoned by her mother. She probably feels like it is all her fault. That's how kids think. Get her to therapy! Now!

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If that was my problem, I would have to ask myself exactly what is this "time out" supposed to accomplish before enforcing it upon a child? I would examine my own motives and needs for having a child go into time out and exactly how it will HELP the child.
good luck,

Why do I have to go to timeout? You have to go to timeout because you did x and that is not okay.
Why do I get timeouts? You get timeouts so you have some time to take a break and think about making good choices
Why are you so mean? I am sorry that you feel that way. I understand you think I am mean, but I really do care about you very much!
Why can't I do whatever I want? It sure would be fun if we could do whatever we wanted. I am here to make sure you are healthy and safe. Sometimes I can't do everything I want either.

these are just some thoughts....

Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives.
~ Maya Angelou

I just had another thought....try mirroring her words in your response to her. This will help validate her thoughts and feelings while still teaching her appropriate behavior.

Like if she says this isn't fair....you could say back to her I understand that you feel like this isn't fair and that's a hard feeling to have. I need you to do xxxx (and repeat your original instructions)

Thank you so much for being there for her...it would be far too easy for her to get caught up in the system. It takes a strong, caring person to undertake this task. Even experts are sometimes nervous, confused about helping a wounded child. Stay strong and just do your best. In the end, your caring and interest in her as a unique individual will be more than enough.

Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives.
~ Maya Angelou

My son's school uses a time out method.
I think for intents and purposes, may be harder to try at home, then again..,
Teacher notices child about to reach disruption or overwhelming agitation or however they do this..
Gently say students name, they then stay in same room, but to a designated area. Sit, close eyes, count backwards from 10. When ready to feel ready to participate join the class. My youngest, had twice, then no more. Taught him a regrouping skill, imo.
Perhaps a variation?
Kids process traumas in different forms. Punishment comes accross rejecting of themselves. Not that there needn't be consequences and boundaries. They don't give much info about raising kids who have that type of stress. (Sort of frustrating, imo...)

I used time outs for my son and it helped but I also used rewards by making a reward box covered with colorful paper and when my son performed a positive behavior he got to choose a reward. When he was in elementary school I had a contract book with things he could do to receive rewards such as read ten pages in a book or use Mavis Beacon typing software and achieve 30 words per minute.

Time outs should be a minute for each year of age so five minutes for 'your' child. But you might want to start with even less than five minutes so the child will be able to accomplish something that you can praise her for doing. My son was hyperactive so sometimes he would be upside down in the time out chair but in the chair was in the chair regardless of position so I let him be.

It also helped my son to give him only one direction at a time. Instead of pick up your toys, brush your teeth and put on your pajamas I named only one at a time.

Five year old children still do not understand the difference in fantasy and reality so she likely will not understand her situation and why she cannot see her mom and dad. Perhaps spend some time with her and ask her to draw pictures of how she feels.

I agree she might benefit seeing a T.